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Old 01-04-2022, 01:08 PM   #21
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Heart Re: What Type of Loneliness Do You Experience?

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Originally Posted by Eejya View Post
Such an interesting article, thank-you.

I tick all the boxes, except (1) new situation and (4) no animal loneliness (I'm blessed to have found 2 cats during the last year).

And yes, it's certainly been acute during this holiday period. Honestly, there's been some dark moments.

What realized as I read this, is that for me, most of the categories can be linked back to the category of loneliness which feels foundational, which is (2) I'm different loneliness.

It seems to me that this is at the root of my loneliness, this sense of not fitting in anywhere, not belonging, not wanted, not mattering, not only in the world, but more painfully by my immediate family (mother and siblings). And perhaps, crucially, not mattering or not being accepted, even to my own Self.

Does this make sense?

I am sitting in that, and trying to just allow the associated emotions, so long repressed. And trying to turn towards them with compassion.
That totally makes sense, @Eejya - I struggle with that, too! Not accepting our own Self is probably the crux of our loneliness - or a bidirectional effect from loneliness first experienced in society. When parents abandon or reject you repeatedly through your childhood and into adulthood (from childhood emotional neglect/CEN), that's probably where our self-hate or self-loneliness first starts - the negative and internalized messages from our parents that even they rejected us. Then there's the school stuff that plays out as a child, the groups you're not accepted into, the bullying, the name-calling, the loners hanging out by themselves. This reinforces the "I'm different" loneliness, especially if first experiencing it at home. Then, throughout life, we got used to internalizing all that, so that is all we show on the outside. So then we don't even try to engage with others because we are scared or nervous or just accepting of our stance in life - only, we really wished we had more friends.

This isn't to blame the victim, but rather to show that we have to put out so much more effort than those who were raised in good homes with loving parents; who were raised in good neighborhoods with minimal bullying, minimal bias/racism, minimal rejections; and who were able to accept oneself as worthy in the world so that we could project that. For those of us who were scarred internally, it takes healing and much effort on our part to learn that which we never learned, and then to engage in a world that can be so cruel, rejecting, judgmental, hateful, harassing, etc. It's tough dealing with the "I'm different" loneliness type.

The rest of the types could be more easily managed, since those are more temporary and deal more with adjustment disorders than long-term loneliness from, say, racial traumas or the like.
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Old 01-04-2022, 01:41 PM   #22
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Default Re: What Type of Loneliness Do You Experience?

Thank-you so much Sprinkle, for really getting what I was trying to say. And articulating it so well. I can't tell you how much I value that.

And you're right it not about blaming or shaming ourselves. For me, these small steps of "making sense" of a childhood that did not make sense at all, are important parts of the healing journey.

The following thought just came to me: I've had multiple indications of repressed rage (eg from dreams), and connected them to previously unacknowledged responses towards my mother (mainly) for CEN. Through this loneliness discussion, I'm led me to wonder if some of this unprocessed rage might not be towards my self, for abandoning/rejecting/dismissing/denying my developing authentic self. Again not intended to blame myself.

This feels like an important insight for me. Thanks for being part of the discussion that elicited it.
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Old 01-04-2022, 01:49 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Eejya View Post
Thank-you so much Sprinkle, for really getting what I was trying to say. And articulating it so well. I can't tell you how much I value that.

And you're right it not about blaming or shaming ourselves. For me, these small steps of "making sense" of a childhood that did not make sense at all, are important parts of the healing journey.

The following thought just came to me: I've had multiple indications of repressed rage (eg from dreams), and connected them to previously unacknowledged responses towards my mother (mainly) for CEN. Through this loneliness discussion, I'm led me to wonder if some of this unprocessed rage might not be towards my self, for abandoning/rejecting/dismissing/denying my developing authentic self. Again not intended to blame myself.

This feels like an important insight for me. Thanks for being part of the discussion that elicited it.
for your thoughtful reply, too!

Winnicott (spelling?) mentioned something about the "false self." I think that might explain some of what you just explained. I'm not sure, but it came to mind as I read your response.

Rage is a normal response to things that harm our identities, which is what is said among those who treat racial traumas. How to handle rage is cathartically - you can process what you feel with your T, you can write in a journal, you can draw or do artwork about your rage, you can do healing rituals with your T such as writing all the things that hurt you and then ripping them up and throwing them away, and/or you can do something positive such as advocate for those who were hurt in the same ways you were.

When we become advocates of ourselves and build a sense of agency, we can begin to heal from self-sabotage, inferiority complexes, identity crises, self-hate, low self-esteem, and other issues dealing with our identities, our true, authentic selves. We can then partner with others who have had similar struggles so that we, together, can advocate for others, too.

Loneliness is a tough thing to overcome! It's painful and scary at times.

But you're not alone in the loneliness struggle - a silly oxymoron, but true, nonetheless.

((((safe hugs))))
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Old 01-14-2022, 05:37 AM   #24
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Default Re: What Type of Loneliness Do You Experience?

7 Types of Loneliness

1. New-situation loneliness.
I moved in with my roommate and friend after being sheltered with my family for so many years. I struggled with his antivaxx views and paranoid beliefs that the government is on this.

2. Im-different loneliness.
My race, culture and upbringing is different. I am scared to get out of my comfort zone. I have been sheltered with my family for so long but since I got my job, my brother is jealous of me and treated me like an enemy. He is angry at me for not doing everything he expected me to. I find it hard to socialize with people who don't understand. I am different from my friend who doesn't understand me either.
In my 2 jobs, I feel extremely different and struggling how to be social and professional. I allow myself to be micromanaged because I don't want to lose my job. I try to correct my behavior to please people in my job because I don't want to lose my jobs because they help provide financial security.

3. No-sweetheart loneliness.
My friend i live with treats me like a child. I feel alone in wanting a relationship but i am stuck with him.

4. No-animal loneliness.
I don't really want a pet. I have my stuffed animal that I treat as real and play with even though I am not an adult.

5. No-time-for-me loneliness.
Nobody has ever had time for me. Now with 2 jobs I don't feel like I have time for others. I feel invisible when I hear other people having relationships.

6. Untrustworthy-friends loneliness.
I have only one friend that I can trust. It makes me sad though. She doesn't understand everything and i have to forgive. There isn't much people I can trust.

7. Quiet-presence loneliness. I miss my late father. I used to look forward to his presence and now nothing. It feels empty without him but I am also haunted in that he wanted the best for me but I screwed up. I don't know how to reconcile that I can't achieve my goals.
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Old 01-19-2022, 03:57 PM   #25
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Default Re: What Type of Loneliness Do You Experience?

#1.
I lost a lot of friends when I moved to Canada. The people I've met since I moved here are nice, but they had their long-established circles of friends (we were all in our 40's and 50's). Breaking into a group of friends can be difficult, especially if you are introverted and not feeling like your old articulate self.

#2.
I'm different, all right. Some people actually recoil a bit when they detect my American accent. Most people have been kind, but very few are actually genuinely welcoming. I am an artist and an individualist and a complete non-conformist. I have some pretty strong opinions about many things---and that's not necessarily the way Canadians expect people to be, unless they grew up here. I will never be completely accepted, completely loved or treasured or understood.

#3.
I feel a deep connection to my husband, but I do not feel it reciprocated very often. It's been getting worse, over time. We are like two good friends---that is all.

#5.
The answer to this is very close to what I wrote for #1. I arrived here when many of my husband's circle had their lives, their children, their house projects, their gardens and hobbies, and retirement packages all worked out. They are mostly very nice people, but they were already very comfortable, and busy people. I could not get past the "acquaintance" stage with 99% of them. The best person I've met since arriving was another American ex-pat, who has moved to yet another country. The only other real friend I made has since passed away.

#6.
Between terrible, tragic ends to relationships in the past, and the mistrust that can develop because of major depression, I do have some serious trust issues with people. Any flicker of duplicity or deep-seated anger issues or game-playing, and I'm outta there.

And, to add my own "type of loneliness":
Major Depression and Social Anxiety are ruinous to relationships. The normies can't or won't wrap their heads around what you are going through. I've even been told (to my face!) that there "is no such thing as depression", which of course logically translates to, "You're an attention-seeking liar and a sponger". Very painful---the first person to utter those words was no one I would ever want as a friend, anyway---but the next two were downright heart-breaking.

Isolation cut me off from so many social interactions where bonds could have strengthened. But it was not possible for years.

Naturally, I had to re-assess WHO I wanted to be friends with, and found I could easily return to my old, time-tested method of being very choosy to begin with. Even in childhood, I saw for myself at a very young age how cruel and heartless and self-absorbed and strange people could be. So I put a lot of distance between myself and others, as a child. People can be terribly monstrous and unfeeling. I do a lot of cocooning. I am used to it.
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Old 01-19-2022, 08:16 PM   #26
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I identify with much of your post, MG.

In my experience, it is true that "normies" don't understand mental illness. I feel angry when I see, read, hear all the stuff about de-stigmatizing mental illness. Normal people will say they support de-stigmatizing because it's the "right" pc thing to do - but those very people will frequently be among many who condemn those of us with mental illness.

Being an ex-pat seems to fall hard on most Americans, I've noticed. I've been fortunate enough to travel quite a bit, so have some understanding of how it must feel to be plopped down into a society and culture that is foreign. I hope it's okay to mention her here...do you know Soupe du Jour here on the forum? She is struggling with some of the same issues you are since moving to her husband's home country.

I am an artist and an individualist and a complete non-conformist...here, here. So am I - and it's challenging enough in my homeland. I can only imagine how difficult it would be in another culture.

Thank you for your post. It's very meaningful.
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Old 01-19-2022, 10:56 PM   #27
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Default Re: What Type of Loneliness Do You Experience?

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Originally Posted by MuseumGhost View Post
...
#3.
I feel a deep connection to my husband, but I do not feel it reciprocated very often. It's been getting worse, over time. We are like two good friends---that is all.

...

I also resonate with this. My husband and I have been together for 40 years...I was 18 when we met and I fell in love with him. It's no secret to me that he has never been truly in love with me. We no longer live together, which saddens me terribly, but that's the turn our marriage eventually took. To this day I feel deeply connected to him. He definitely feels connected to me - but much more as a dear friend than as a wife. It's quite obvious - and it gives me an ache inside, all the time.
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Old 01-21-2022, 07:08 PM   #28
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Default Re: What Type of Loneliness Do You Experience?

Big hugs, BethRags. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses to my post. It's one of the worst, I think, isn't it, unrequited love? You have my complete and total sympathy. Talking openly about something so painful feels like minor surgery!---Anxiety-producing, but very likely to help.

I also believe the multiple types of loneliness I'm feeling have acted like a kind of giant battery for keeping my depression going, longer than it should have, by rights. But I am conquering a lot of things, these days, and feeling better (keeping fingers crossed).

Thanks for the steer towards Soupe du Jour. She seems like a wonderful person, and I can relate to many of her posts.

Again, many hugs!
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