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Old 06-17-2022, 04:13 PM   #1
Sejan
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Trig lonely from the beginning

Welcome to my post,

My name is john... and i think it will be easier to explain everything form the beginning.

My parents divorced when i was 5 yold. I hated my mother because she was hard, always pushing me to be the best possible. my father was more filled with joy and happiness. One day my mother took her own life alone in her bed. i was 10yold then. Going to school, i had a miserable life. I was morbidly obese, and i let you imagine what i had to face. bullying, hate... i was alone most of the time. i hated sport so much. it was there that the worst things happened. the little fatty shy dude with long hair was the perfect victim for their violence. Words and acts.

the suffering eventually passed by, and now i am 32 yold. I had some working issues (no job, hard to pay the bills...) but now, i am stable, got a good job well paid, and a lot of free time.

I decided to join a boxing club, to try to change, be someone else. i met nice people, but the thing is... i cannot find someone to go along. This world is so twisted, and i feel like the most evil and cruel people are rewarded, gifted, and the good people just get smashed to the ground. People find me weird, because im eally quite, despite my new look ( i am now 176lbs, quite muscular because i did bodybuolding for 9 years in a row) i changed a lot of things in my life, and succeeded, but i could never find people interesting. Im just happy when i go for a walk in the forest, alone. Whatever i do, i cannot find joy in it if it implies people. I only had 2 girlfriends in my life. it only lasted for 2 months each one combined.

They described me as ironhearted, and cold. Everytime i try to convince myself some good people are there, i fall for my plane and i see the cruel rule of this ****** world.

Last edited by CANDC; 06-17-2022 at 05:46 PM.. Reason: Remove methods of suicide
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Old 06-17-2022, 11:59 PM   #2
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

I can definitely identify with you as I struggle against awful loneliness. Hopefully you will find these Forums to be a warm and welcoming place and somewhere where you can come so you are not so alone with your distress. Wish I knew what else to say. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 06-19-2022, 05:04 AM   #3
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

I think you still may harbor much anger against your mother. And yourself actually.
Not fitting in can be devastating when your a child. You eventually did something about it but there’s still a lot of hostility towards other people. I too like to be alone..
But it’s very rewarding and you have to be very fortunate to have a good friend that can walk with you. But there has to be honesty and openness. I’ve been betrayed by some of the closest people in my life. People I’ve known over 50 years. People change. Life is change. It forces changes within ourselves. Everyone has their own cross to bear. In the end you die alone. So it’s very important that you are happy with who you are. Whether your overweight , whether your mom left you , or whatever for that matter. You can walk alone and be happy.
Best of luck to you….
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Old 06-19-2022, 09:07 PM   #4
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

It sounds like you've been proactive and taken control of your life. That's admirable.

I'm sorry that your childhood was frought with issues. I think those types of childhood experiences can have a big impact on how we interact with people later on. I was bullied as a child as well and have always been thought of as a bit standoffish by others as a result. I figure it's mostly okay, it's the sum of my parts. I tend to interact with people more superficially rather than develop deeper friendships. I'll talk to anybody and everybody, but don't over invest in much of anyone.

Also, it seems like society only loves an extrovert. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, if you happen to be one. My kid is very introverted and often feels like she's defective because of it for some reason. Wish introverts were seen as introverts rather than not-extroverts.
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Old 06-20-2022, 05:56 PM   #5
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sejan View Post
Welcome to my post,

My name is john... and i think it will be easier to explain everything form the beginning.

My parents divorced when i was 5 yold. I hated my mother because she was hard, always pushing me to be the best possible. my father was more filled with joy and happiness. One day my mother took her own life alone in her bed. i was 10yold then. Going to school, i had a miserable life. I was morbidly obese, and i let you imagine what i had to face. bullying, hate... i was alone most of the time. i hated sport so much. it was there that the worst things happened. the little fatty shy dude with long hair was the perfect victim for their violence. Words and acts.

the suffering eventually passed by, and now i am 32 yold. I had some working issues (no job, hard to pay the bills...) but now, i am stable, got a good job well paid, and a lot of free time.

I decided to join a boxing club, to try to change, be someone else. i met nice people, but the thing is... i cannot find someone to go along. This world is so twisted, and i feel like the most evil and cruel people are rewarded, gifted, and the good people just get smashed to the ground. People find me weird, because im eally quite, despite my new look ( i am now 176lbs, quite muscular because i did bodybuolding for 9 years in a row) i changed a lot of things in my life, and succeeded, but i could never find people interesting. Im just happy when i go for a walk in the forest, alone. Whatever i do, i cannot find joy in it if it implies people. I only had 2 girlfriends in my life. it only lasted for 2 months each one combined.

They described me as ironhearted, and cold. Everytime i try to convince myself some good people are there, i fall for my plane and i see the cruel rule of this ****** world.
I guess the big question is: What do you want in a friend? What would you talk about? What would they talk about with you?

J'ai voyagé en Belgique six ans passe. Dix millions personnes habite la, n'est-ce pas? Quel'qu'un partage vos interets. Ils doivent.

Le monde nul, c'est vrai. Mais, le monde est absurde, interessant et profonde tous a fois, si vous connais ou regarder.

To begin, did I pick the right language? I know French better than Dutch, so I took a leap of faith. If so, how did I do? It has been a while since I actually wrote or spoke it with someone. I beg your pardon on the accents (American keyboard and all.).
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Old 06-26-2022, 08:07 AM   #6
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sejan View Post
Welcome to my post,
My parents divorced when i was 5 yold. I hated my mother because she was hard, always pushing me to be the best possible. my father was more filled with joy and happiness. One day my mother took her own life alone in her
I decided to join a boxing club, to try to change, be someone else. i met nice people, but the thing is... i cannot find someone to go along. This world is so twisted, and i feel like the most evil and cruel people are rewarded, gifted, Im just happy when i go for a walk in the forest, alone. Whatever i do, i cannot find joy in it if it implies people. I only had 2 girlfriends in my life. it only lasted for 2 months each one combined.

They described me as ironhearted, and cold. Everytime i try to convince myself some good people are there, i fall for my plane and i see the cruel rule of this ****** world.
Hi,
I understand you have had a checkered past, emotionally speaking. You witnessed something terrible and in your mind it must play out over and over. I feel that can cause a person to be very self destructive by effect. Your defense mechanism resulted in you probably knowing you had a little more experience in life than other people. Avoiding deep conversations about that matter is easiest resolved by you being a quiet person...I'm guessing comedian was not up for grabs.

As far as loneliness is concerned... If you have not found it, it will come. It being "love" and it doesn't care if you are a quiet person, it also is very quiet.
It always finds its mark. Try not to become jaded or speaking about negative, judgmental thinking. Remember, your ears hear your voice so even to be around people where the banter is negative is contraindicated.

I like to talk to myself in positive ways. That means positive in my heart. My heart thinks I am a great lawyer named Perry or Matlock. So, in the car, I will discuss legal issues that I happen to be the master of. It is weird, I know. But, it makes my heart feel like I am doing what I was supposed to be doing. You might, for example, settle on a target. A person your heart really wants and then saying romantic things to them - like practicing. LOL.
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Old 06-30-2022, 08:46 PM   #7
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnawareBS View Post


...

I like to talk to myself in positive ways. That means positive in my heart. My heart thinks I am a great lawyer named Perry or Matlock. So, in the car, I will discuss legal issues that I happen to be the master of. It is weird, I know. But, it makes my heart feel like I am doing what I was supposed to be doing. You might, for example, settle on a target. A person your heart really wants and then saying romantic things to them - like practicing. LOL.

That is a wonderful practice! Very imaginative
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Old 07-13-2022, 04:38 AM   #8
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Default Re: lonely from the beginning

Hi John

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Have you thought about professional help? It might do some good.

On the other hand, I completely understand you may live under the fear of being rejected and deserted once again, especially by women.

Maybe you coulf find around you someone you could rely on, so that you will find the strenght to open yourself to life and relationships.

I wish you all the best.
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