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Old 07-12-2022, 12:17 PM   #1
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Confused Better to Have Loved and Lost?

Today is my birthday, which always feels like my own personal New Year. I usually end up reflecting on how things have changed. Today I turned 36. My husband left me two years ago. He left me for someone else. They immediately moved in together and, as of about a week ago, they have a baby. I was angry for a long time. This was my partner for 13 years. I fully accepted, deep in my heart, that we were going to be together forever. That we loved each other too much to be apart.

My anger is slowly disappearing and I just feel defeated and hopeless. Everyone tells you, when you go through an unwanted breakup, to focus on yourself. Achieve your own goals, do things that make you fulfilled, etc. I have been doing that. I'm about a month away from getting my Master's degree, I took on a new position at work that is a much better fit than my old one, I have been spending time with my pets and my best friend. I just can't shake these feelings of deep, dark loneliness. I'm starting to wish I had never gotten married.

Of course there are happy memories, but I can't access those without also thinking about how I had to euthenize two of our cats this year (one was cancer, the other was old age) and that he didn't even respond to my (very cordial) email about it. Or that he became cold as ice toward me the moment after he told me he was leaving, after being warm, sweet, and sentimental up until that very point. I can't think about our fun anniversary trips or inside jokes without thinking about the fact that he clearly didn't love me enough. I'm just not sure that this is worth it.

The reality of living alone, when you've lived with a partner for 13 years, is bleak. At least for me. The feeling of driving home to a house that you no longer have an emotional attachment to. Having experiences that you can't share. Watching TV shows that you know he would like, but you can't talk about them with him. The emptiness of cooking only for yourself. That inevitable point of every evening where you find yourself stanidng in the living room thinking "ok, now what? Do I just go to bed?"

Admittedly, being in the last month of my Masters program and working full time, I'm very stressed. Maybe that is adding to how sad I feel. I just don't think I will ever feel a sense of fulfillment like I did when I was married and I have absolutely no desire to start over with someone new.
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Old 07-12-2022, 05:17 PM   #2
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Default Re: Better to Have Loved and Lost?

H @Unwanted712 welcome to MSF My Support Forums. I am so sorry you were blindsided by your ex and he just dropped you cold. No one should have to go through that.

I am amazed you have been working full time and getting your masters. That is incredible. Please let us know when you complete the course. We want to celebrate your accomplishment.

I am glad you joined this community. If possible just do what you need to to complete your masters program and promise yourself you will do the self care needed before and after then. You are so close. Good luck for the next month.
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Old 07-12-2022, 05:48 PM   #3
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Hi Dear,

Perhaps I may not have the exact words to help you feel better, but I felt compelled to share that I see alot of hope in your story.

It is obvious that you haven't done anything wrong as you stuck to your word and you were committed to your relationship. I am not wishing bad on your ex but leaving a long term relationship to move on with someone else is the sort of classic case where someone sets themselves up to learn the hard way that "the grass is infact NOT greener on the other side".. no matter how good their relationship would appear from the outside. I've seen it before.. for instance, there will be the constant threat in this new relationship he is in that he will do what he's done again.. also, in the long run, people end up deeply regretting selfishly hurting another person in the way he has hurt you.

Meanwhile, you, your good karma, your new position and your masters will be just fine. I know you said you have no desire to start with someone new, but no season of darkness lasts forever.. especially when you're actively making steps to heal yourself. This will pass, and when it does, you will be thankful for it! Space has now been made in your life for someone more authentic to do a better job of loving and committing to you. New beginnings can indeed be a blessing!
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Old 08-05-2022, 08:27 PM   #4
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I felt the same way about my first husband. I, too, focused on school. I finished my second masters and started my doctorate. Your story sounds so much like mine!

But... please do not make the same mistake I did. I was lonely after being separated for 4 years. The man I married after my divorce was not at all like the first one. My current husband does not know what a healthy, stable relationship looks like. So yes, I think it is much better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. Every day, when I see him, I think of it and somehow it saddens me that he has no idea what it can be like.

Of course, having loved and stayed there would have been much, much better. But, please, when you find someone else, make you sure you meet the in-laws. I wish I had. At the time, we lived abroad so I did not get a chance to really grasp what I got myself into.

Do not rush into something because you are lonely and do not ignore red flags. I have a truck full!!
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Old 08-06-2022, 07:02 AM   #5
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Default Re: Better to Have Loved and Lost

The title of your thread is a very interesting question. I feel that to never have loved is a sorrowful experience. On the other hand , to lose that love can be a very traumatic experience. To be betrayed after so much time is beyond description.
You turn 36 today. You are still very young , with a lifetime of experiences ahead of you. Use this first episode of ď loveĒ as a learning experience. More valuable than any masters degree. The fact that your moving on with your life as far as schooling and your job is a tremendous accomplishment after experiencing such sadness.
You nay feel alone now but if you get thru this period you WILL meet someone who will make you happy and find life worth living again. Sometimes itís just a matter of luck or serendipity. But as I was told onceÖĒ put yourself in the path of probability ď. In other works put yourself out there. You may have lost at love before but think of it as partial love and mostly betrayal. This person was not worthy of your love.

You will shake those feelings of deep dark loneliness , once you realize how many people there are in this world.. When your ready to enter that world again. You have to treat this loss as a death in the family. Do not think of this person with loving affection since the person who your thinking about is a charlatan. A fake.
Thank God that he didnít waste any more of your time.

You will learn to enjoy your time alone. I understand how you feel because I experienced the same thing. You seem to be like me. If I donít have someone to SHARE my life with I canít be happy or feel life is not worth living. I understand that feeling. But I also understand that means Iím not happy with myself. I need to feel comfortable with myself. Iíve learned to enjoy cooking for myself. I enjoy watching a movie that I know she wouldnít like Lol ! What do I do next ? Whatever the hell I want to do ! Just think of the possibilities ! The list can be long.
Also , beware of stress. Manage it ! It can make you feel a lot of things , mostly not good. Practice mindfulness. Just live in the moment. And the time will come when someone new will enter your life. But this time you will go into this with much experience.
Learn to love yourself. To BE with yourself. The rest will follow.
BTW: You didnít mention any children. Divorce is a much messier affair when
children are involved. Now this is only my personal opinion , a marriage without children is only half a marriage. Children make all the difference in the world.
Good luck to you in the futureÖ.and yes to your question , despite the pain.
Trying to Live in the Moment
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