DPD, depression & anxiety are killing me

Hello,

Disclaimer: There is SO much to say...I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and offer advice. I am a 23 year old female. For more background info about me please see my introduction thread.

I've recently discovered this disorder as the potential cause and answer for other problems with my mental health.

Background:
Sometime last year I was officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. I started seeing a psychiatrist who could literally care less. The look on her face when I would sob for the 15 minute sessions was wrought with fake empathy. The worst part was that after our first session (in which I told her my mother was at one point diagnosed with Bipolar disorder) she WRONGFULLY acused me of potentially having this and prescribed me Lamictal, saying it was for anxiety. After reading about it online I realized it was treatment for Bipolar disorder. This really bothered me. She also prescribed Celexa and one other for anxiety (non-benzo) that I can't recall. None of it seemed to help. The Celexa was HORRIBLE. I eventually weened off everything and stopped seeing this horrid woman. That was over a year ago.

Flashforward to now:
I started taking 20mg Prozac for 4 or 5 months and it has seemed to help a little bit. When I got off it for three weeks I had extreme suicidal thoughts and was extremely depressed so I've started again as of 2 days ago. I have been attempting to make an appointment at a Psychotherapy Clinic that charges based on a sliding scale. I have struggled to get better because although I have health insurance through my parents, I have to pay for all medications and copays. With a $25 copay for each session that adds up and I simply cannot afford it.




I *believe* I have found the reason for my depression, anxiety, and other behaviors: Dependent Personality Disorder. I exhibit all symptoms but one:

1. Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
2. Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
3. Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval
4. Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
5. Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
6. Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
7. Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
8. Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

I live with my boyfriend so he tends to be the one telling me about my "patterns." We both agree that I have this disorder, but also both agree that I do not have problems expressing disagreement. I am very vocal with my problems, almost too much to the point where my extreme pessimism and depression is ruining our relationship. We have been together for 6 months now but have been good friends for 3 years. He has made it clear that he loves and cares about me and wants to help me be the person he knows I can be. But he has said that unless things change, soon, we must break up. I am normally an attractive and outgoing woman, but am not enjoying my life anymore. Any passion I once had is gone...music, being outdoors, exercise, social events, etc. I recently started a full time job that only makes this worse. I have gained 10 lbs, been struggling with reoccuring chronic *female* bacterial infections, skin irritations, stomach pains, and major headaches.

I know I need to exercise more and will be buying a bike soon. But how do I get the spark back in my life and relationship? How do I save myself without very little funds to afford professional help and medication? How can I STOP FEELING SO ALONE IN ALL OF THIS?! I feel like I'm crazy and stuck in a deep dark fog that I cannot see out of.

Thanks for reading...

hey girl.

sorry im no professional or anything, don't have solid "advice." feeling alone sucks, i know what thats like, even if there are many many people in your life... if you feel unconnected, maybe you can pray? there are some bible promises that help with this. i know that's prob not the answer you were looking for, but you might try it.

i love biking. it definitely helps to get out, and i just love doing that, and listening to music. sometimes it helps me to try to engage outside of myself instead of only seeing my and my problems, like getting to know others and that they have issues to, like balance things out.

also i really like walking. just going out for a walk. i know you said you feel like you've lost the spark... maybe if you make it a point to go anyways, and put those things in motion, often the feelings follow.. like you may not enjoy it at first, but maybe later on.

as far as #3 on approval, i get you on that. i often have feelings surrounded by approval of others. for me, though.. because of my faith i know that my approval comes from God (not because im "good" but because of Jesus) - i know that's my personal belief, but maybe you can look at where your self-worth is rooted... if approval has to come from others, or if you are already "ok" within yourself. idk im still wrestling with that.

sorry i know that prob doesn't help much :/ blessings to you.