obsessive thoughts

im not sure the right forum/ thread to put this in, so again i apologize if this is the wrong place.

i found this site because im looking for advice about obsessive thoughts. i don't think im obsessive compulsive, but i always find my thoughts reverting to a particular person i have idealized in my mind. i know that it is idealization (i guess this overlaps as perhaps borderline), and i also realize i don't know her fully as a person, or really know her at all. but i can't stop thinking about her/ can't turn off the desire to connect with her. due to my personal beliefs, im only seeking to pursue a healthy friendship with her (she is kind of a mentor role). however while she knows i have issues with her, i don't bring this up because i think it would be violating for another person to know they are being obsessed over. i'd like to stop obsessing, find a resting place for my thoughts, but all my thoughts just revert back to her. ive put several boundaries in place to help this, or because i fear being dangerous (obsessive behavior i no longer participate in, though its a challenge). this has been for several months, and on and off through the past few years.

i know while i feel like im "in love" that it is only infatuation and idealization, as i have felt this way about others, later finding them completely devalued. any practical advice about the thought life? i just find myself thinking about her all throughout the day, like she is my default or home base. my world revolves around her, what she says to me, etc.... id like to remain in contact with her and not "cut things off," though i am willing to do that if necessary. i have put boundaries on contact too, so this helps. in the end, whether i interact with her or not, its still in my mind, a kinda of authority - emotional dependency i hope to break. would really appreciate any advice. thanks!

New here, but I can totally relate. I used to see a sychiatrist (missing key) once a week and she recently took another job, about three months ago. She was big in my life and I relied on her, only knew about my disorder about a month before she left. I obsess over her and I try to resist it.

What I find seems to work is reminding myself that it would never work and how irrational it is. Try to stay busy, attention to detail to not day dream so much.

Get help if you can afford it. I'm going through the same thing and can't seem to end the cycle.

Hi, I am going through the same thing. It has eased a bit as it isn't reciprocated and I am not in a position to reciprocate anyway. Issue is I see this person a lot as she is a work colleague. We built up a very strong bond but now it has deteriorated. I kind of feel a bit used but that's just because she started to distance herself away. If you stay connected you will become less infatuated as you realize their faults etc. However this is tough as you see and hear what they doing. The key is to act like you don't care, keep yourself really busy and focus on the people that really matter in your life or people who like you back.

I think that you need to spend some time doing some self-pampering! Like do some fun stuff that both guys and girls can do. Seriously, get some bubble bath and light some candles. Then, get some new cool music and relax in the bath. Then after you get out of the bath, throw on your sexiest clothes and go out to dinner at a restaurant all by yourself. It is not the end of the world because you really need to get out and have some fun by yourself and stop waiting to find someone to do fun stuff with. After that, go out to the movie theature and buy some popcorn and soda.

No one will even pay any attention to whether or not you are all by yourself. I do this all the time and it is lots of fun!

You need to find some other fun stuff to do around town because sitting at home sucks and all you are going to be doing is waiting around and you will miss out on all the fun around town. Maybe you will even find some other fun people to hang around that like to do some of the same things that you like to do.

I just registered with PC, so I am new here and don't know if you are still around or if you will get this. However, I just wanted to say that I TOTALLY resonate with EVERYTHING you said. I've been struggling with this practically all my life and it has seriously impaired my ability to function on the job, or really engage with other people because no matter what I am currently doing, in my mind I am obssessing with this person. This problem has had huge effects/consequences on my life, and killed every truly meaningful relationship I have ever had, to the point where I am now completely avoiding people.

Anyway, if you are still on here it would be interesting to find out where you at in this journey, and what has helped Vs what has not helped etc.

OK, so my experiences are pretty typical, and similar, the only way to "deal" that i found is to start making conscious choices. This means being somewhat detached from people, and choosing to emotionally take some risks. Until and if we finally are able topractice this in our own lives, we will suffer even more.

Good luck, and take good care ofYOU.

caring and kindness
Jade

[QUOTE=wildgopher;[/QUOTE]


I think it would be very good to look up the word, "transference" or "attachment disorders" on your computer and learn more of what this kind of dependency means. Then, if possible, find a therapist who is tolerant and gentle with attachment problems.
Don't blame yourself or be rough on yourself about it, but just realize it won't go away by just using will power. You don't want it to go away but to just be more comfortable and in control.

You're very thoughtful to consider what your needs might do to the other person, which is great, but it also is part of the troubles that you have. Transference and attachment problems are well researched and tons of knowledge has been gained in helping people with this. If you do get a therapist, ask first how she/he relates to transference, as you want someone who will be patient and accepting. Once, you become attached to the T, it's too late to ask, because of your sensitive feelings.

I've been working on myself about this in therapy, so do know some of the strong feelings and how to deal with them. You've taken a very important step by admitting and describing what you feel to the forum here. next step is to get professional help that's sympathetic instead of trying do-it-yourself that just runs you in circles. There are also many discussions here on the forum that are about the situation that you have with the person you need.

This is primarily why I signed up for this forum. I obsessed about a woman who accepted me when my wife rejected me. Goes back to mental abuse I had as a child from my mother making me attach to this woman despite the fact logically I know she's not for me. Emotionally I thought of her all the time. I could hardly work, and the work I did wasn't good at all for what I normally do.

The only thing I could do was to completely break off communication with her, and resolve myself to never contact her again. It's been very difficult to do this. And I know it's not fixing my problem, but making me feel ok again at times. Once I'm over her more, I fel I'll have strength to tackle my real issues.

Not saying this will work for you, but I know now horrible it is to obsess over another person. I've never experienced emotional weakness like this before and its bad. Hopefully coming here and being active on this forum will help. I'm hoping the same for myself. Good luck!

Hello Wildgopher:

Your obsession story pretty much matches a recent experience I had as a musician. I am happily married and 100% committed to my (2nd) wife.

While working at a club away from home, I somehow became emotionally fascinated with a certain woman and became increasingly infatuated with her. Thanks to a lot of psychological studies and work in various programs plus a serious dedication to my marriage, I steadfastly avoided any intimate or personal contacts with the object of my desires even though I'd see her often at the "gig". I was quite surprised and my emotional reacts to this person, who is nothing at all like the kind of babe I would be attracted to so I realized that I was having some kind of childhood feelings event - maybe she looked like or reminded me of some girl I was in love with in the 1st grade?

My strategy was to constantly remind myself that I am a married man and am not in the market for an affair OF ANY KIND! I would let babes who came to flirt, like the band singer, know that I AM MARRIED. I cheated on my 1st wife but that's another story.

Now I have a profoundly HONEST and respectful marriage with my now wife so I finally told her what had been going on with me at that gig after it was over and she said with a smile "I knew!"

Anyway, back to how I coped with my unusually strong and amazing feelings was by using some mind control methods that I learned from Eckhart Tolle teachings, realizing that I was caught in a psychological drama probably from early childhood issues and plain old will power to stay away from this seductive woman as much as I could and CONSTANTLY remind myself that I am a committed, happily MARRIED MAN! I would never deliberately cheat on my wife although I've looked at some porn now and then.

What helped me "get over" the object of my obsessions was that she got romantically involved with the MARRIED trombone man so I was now off the hook. I felt a little jealous and irritated that he was married but I slowly let all of that go and was damned glad I didn't push it with her or my marriage would be ruined all for nothing.

I won't find fault with or diss the woman I was attracted to and am still puzzled at my helplessly childish needs and desires to connect with her. It took a lot of effort and will power to stay away and not get sucked into an affair that I am sure she wanted with me as we were playing "eyeball games" (my phrase) for a while and came very close on a few occasions to getting intimately close.

I will look into that "attachment disorder" thing for my own benefit on this obsessing issue. I thought my helpless reactions had something to do with Codependency but it might be something even deeper from my troubled past. I that I was having unmet childhood needs reactions to a person that I did not know and never got to know at all! Maybe like falling in love/lust with a dream character?

But I'm sure glad that it's over now and hope she and the married trombone guy are happy now. I don't see any of them any more so I have no idea how things turned out but I don't need to obsess about that either!

Thanks for bringing this issue to the board,
jim