I ain't even know

So I definitely have been super dependent in the past, just coming to terms with it now. I'm still pretty young, in my late 20s, and I haven't been diagnosed as dependent or anything. I just felt moved to post here.

My family in some ways raised me to be dependent. Didn't encourage me to work or get a driving license for example. I don't know what they thought would happen, but I got the impression I would marry and live happily ever after. My mom put me through a lot when I was dependent on her, too much. I couldnt wait to get out. When my marriage fell apart, it was like walking through fire. I cannot tell you the things I went through. I have been broken and dirt poor since- living on the kindness of friends now.

All I can think about now is how dependency terrifies me. I would rather sell drugs than be where I've been. I'm dealing with a lot of chronic physical and psychiatric disorders, but I would do anything- ANYTHING- to be independent, to have control over my life, to be self-reliant. I am dating, but I'm too freaked out to think about a future with them. I feel like I should break up with them already, but I do love them... I just focus on the here and now. Breathe in, breathe out.

I don't want to go from dependency to the other side of the spectrum. I know I want kids, and I believe I could be happily married. But all I dream about is never being financially or physically vulnerable again.. And yeah, sometimes emotionally too. I dream of a little house with a lot of land, where I have control, where I can have a garden and no one can ever, ever kick me out. It's a pipe dream, but it's all I want.

There's a strange paradox about dependency. You say you were too dependent on your family, yet never learned to work or drive. I know because I went thru that, even after my first marriage ended, I didn't know where to pay the light bill or how to write a check! It's a kind of hostile dependency that develops and locks you in, when your parents or caregivers gave you SOME of the nurturing but not what really counts. They didn't care enough or weren't involved enough to teach you things like how to drive or how to hold down a job. It leaves you looking back over your shoulder (unconsciously) trying to find what was so missing in them. meanwhile, you can't get fully into your present and your future. It's like always being in limbo, and can even feel emotionally like being in a fog.
You've taken a great step in just realizing this and questioning it. But you need an understanding and patient therapist to help you into a new lifestyle. I realize finances are an issue. I would go to the computer or yellow pages and look up clinics instead of private practices. County clinics, especially, can find financial solutions you didn't know exist. Make an appointment, go see someone, then discuss finances after you discuss what your problems are. That's what my experience has been, in case it might help.

Hi Berkut:
Wow my heart really goes out to you!
I am a guy so my vision of independence may be different than yours but, I too was raised to be DEPENDENT. I am the 2nd child so our parents never asked for or allowed me to be independent, assertive, lead, think for myself, take responsibilities and GROW UP like my older brother who was usually my Boss and alter-parent at home.
We worked for our parents on a farm so we did not learn how to manage money or do many other basic things that other kids were being taught by their "healthier" parents. I learned to cook, iron my clothes, wash clothes, sew, fix machines and some other useful things but had very bad people skills and was very DEPENDENT - on my brother mostly. When I left home, right after high school, I soon learned that I was profoundly ill prepared to live out in the world and had many unhappy conflicts with others while trying to figure out HOW TO LIVE on my own.
I am a "loner" so I was somewhat independent BUT never like others my age or with my talents and skills. I could work on my own car, find my own apartments and a lot of other "practical" things but had extremely bad people skills so I didn't connect well with females or even many other males at work. I was a kind of "drifter" who just didn't fit in to a normal life all because we were given very bad and inadequate parenting years before when we worked for our parents on our farm and did not get a normal, natural, healthy childhood.
So all I can offer is what I finally did to overcome my inadequate parenting and damaged childhood.
I entered therapy at about 49 and spent most of my time in support groups like ACOA and CODA with a little Al-anon, AA and Incest Survivors included. I believe that my real independence began when I studied Self Esteem and began seriously using the 3rd step of AA. For me, independence comes down to how good and respectful I FEEL about my self. I never had that FEELING at home thanks to our low self worth parenting so it came slowly but is now complete as far as I can tell.
My "dreams" are not as colorful as yours but the FEELING of wholeness and independence is good enough for me. If I never accomplish anything else or have a family (I am 76 now), just FEELING whole and complete is quite enough for me.
good luck getting your self back,
jim