[jean17]

to all. Love to send hugs. Love to get hugs. Had two hard sessions ySd . One with my psychiatrist and one with my psychologist. I'm not complaining. I know how blessed I am to have so much help. I'm slipping a bit, very anxious and depressed. Got put on Seroquel* for a while to try to calm me down. Then talked about why I just can't tolerate "chatting". It terrifies me and I run as fast as I can to avoid it. Finally talked around to "hearing" my Dad telling me that; "I don't count. My feelings don't matter. Who told me that I or my feelings matter?" Oh, it hurts just as much right now as it did when I was little. I know now that my Dad was deeply disturbed and I don't blame him. He did the best that he could. But I don't know how to fix me now. Any suggestions?

[here today]

I had PDNOS, not DPD, and I more or less learned to “depend” on my own self and my understanding of “social rules” to stay out of trouble. The deep feeling that I didn’t count to the other women (mother, grandmother, aunts) in my family took a long time to uncover in therapy. And yes, it really does hurt, just as when I was a little girl.

Even though our caregivers did the best they could, we still got hurt. Where do we go to get a message that we can give ourselves that we do count? I’ve looked outside myself for that for a long time, couldn’t find it within myself until recently. Very, very hard. Don’t know why life has to be so hard. It is, though.

For what it’s worth, even though I’m not so sure that I count, I know that you do. Even the sociopaths and others, whom we may need to avoid for our own safety, count in my opinion. Why don’t I count to myself? What makes me so “bad”/special that I don’t count? Logically, that makes no sense.

Does your therapist have any suggestions? I know that, in my experience, it can be hard to find good therapy for PD's -- once again the therapists are probably doing the best they know. It's just that not very much is known and it can just take so blankety, blank long and can be so hard! But if you don't feel that you're getting the help or support that you need, can you talk to your T about that?

[tealBumblebee]

Hi jean, I wish I could offer some better words for you but I can definitely offer you some hugs!

I don't know if it's one of those across the board traits of DPD, but I completely get it, the whole idea of feeling 'less than'. What I can say though, is that you sound like you've come soooo much further than I have. Just being able to identify that you have a good support system, but recognize that you need more is amazing. I'm sorry to hear about the experience with your father, I do think that people do the best they can with what they have (and that doesn't always meet the bar of 'acceptable').

I don't have the answers, but I've always thought of it this way. It took years of invalidation to get you to this point; therefore "fixing you" (healing your wounds) likely won't occur as quickly as you (and I) wish either. Maybe just knowing that you are on the right road can provide you with at least a little more comfort. Big 's.