Finally facing the facts

This is long and I apologize. I just wanted to include all the background info so people could give me better advice based on all the facts.

I was diagnosed with codependent personality disorder 4 years ago, although I'm still researching whether there should be a "co" before that or not. I stopped seeing my therapist a session or 2 after the diagnosis because I was finding myself unable to be honest with her and I knew that without full disclosure, she couldn't truly help me. I never really explored the CPD with her.

I have been in a serious, live-in relationship for 2 1/2 years now. I am about to turn 32 and he just turned 28. He is childless but I have a 12 year old boy and 8 year old girl. I was married to their father and we've been divorced 7 years. He had a long term affair and married the woman after we divorced. They are still together. I know his infidelity has contributed to my issues.

My boyfriend and I's relationship has NEVER been perfect. He suffers from PTSD from an abusive upbringing, along with drug addicted parents. His 4 younger siblings were placed in state care when he was 18 and he was denied any contact with them. He speaks to them on occasion now but has no contact with his mother or step father (who raised him and was the only dad he knew).

He has some pretty bad anger issues that manifest horribly with drinking alcohol. He has never been physically abusive but he has screamed, called me horrible names, called me stupid and put me down, thrown things, flipped over furniture and put holes in our walls. Because of these experiences with him, I have developed some pretty heavy anxiety when it comes to alcohol. Unfortunately, all it takes is him walking in the house with a beer in his hand to totally turn my mood south. He's not angry every time he drinks, he says he gets that way when I start my "nagging" about it. Even when he's not drinking, when we fight he says things that are extremely hurtful and mean that he later recants by saying "he didn't mean it, he was just mad". I guess we all do that at times, right?

Anyways, I truly love him. Aside from all the issues listed above he is a great guy!! He is incredibly intelligent, hard working, generous and is great with my kids. He and my son have a very close bond. He can be very supportive and encouraging when it comes to my schooling. I want him to be a part of our lives. We've made lots of future plans and are always talking about the future. I honestly cannot imagine my life without him in it.

That last line is what concerns me though. I've read all the symptoms of CPD and can identify with a lot of them. I have always had a horrible time coping with breakups or losing someone important in my life. I mourn absence very hard, even if it's just a temporary thing. I made it through my divorce in one piece but even then, after he'd been cheating on me for months, left me and the kids and then married his mistress, I was totally against taking him to the cleaners in divorce court. I left my initial attorney because she was pressuring me to take him for all he was worth. I didn't want to do that to him though. I was concerned with how that would make him feel or how he would cope with losing so much. Even after all the low stuff he'd done to me, I wanted to protect him.

With my current boyfriend, I know that things are not good. We've been fighting way more frequently and he's getting nastier and meaner with his words. Today he started packing all his things up to leave and although I had been threatening him for days that if he didn't straighten up, he'd be out, I panicked. I ran downstairs in hysterics accusing him of hating me and the kids and just walking out on us. I was desperate to stop him even though I know our relationship has not been healthy. He stayed, ignored me the rest of the day and went downstairs to sleep. He's very angry with me but even after all the harsh words today, I feel better just knowing he's in the house.

I am not ready to give up on him yet. We've just, in the last month, gone through some major transitions. I went off an anti-anxiety medication, he lost his job, I am starting a pretty important internship in the morning, and my brother is getting married so I've had a lot of family events going on. I feel like this is fixable but we both need to straighten out our issues.

That is why I am here. I want to learn how to live with this disorder, how to control it (which is funny since control is a big factor in CPD), and how to keep it from negatively impacting my life and relationships. I'd also like to know that if my boyfriend and I did ultimately decide to end things, I could get through it, cope with it and not fall completely to pieces.

Ironically, the internship I start in the morning is at our local Psychiatric clinic. We specialize in counseling, therapy (individual and group), medication administration, there are forensic psychiatrists on staff and we also have an inpatient unit. This is also the area's crisis center. My mother believes this is going to be a God-send to me and that I'll be able to talk to people about what actions I should take but I actually feel quite the opposite. I don't wanna mention my issues to anyone because I'm supposed to have it all together aren't I? I am supposed to be helping other people get better, how am I supposed to do that if I am not mentally healthy? But we'll see when I start. If I were offered counseling there, I would take it in a New York minute!

So, I would love any and all advice or reference material you all can lead me to!! Preferably online since that is easiest for me. I'm not really wanting to hear "leave your boyfriend" because like I said, I am not ready for that. I want to know we gave it our best shots and I feel like me seeking help is the first step to that.

If you actually got through all this, bless you and thank you!!

I just went back and looked at my past posts from March 2011. Those posts are not in reference to the man I am in a relationship with now. Reading back over what I wrote, I can see signs of the codependency, although I didn't verbalize it much. I also have other diagnosis along with the CPD. I have been diagnosed with OCD, depression, anxiety, and mild bipolar disorder.

Hello: I got into a Codependency Support group and it solved almost all of my issues - over time. I never had the $$$ for a personal therapist but gong into groups helped me to be honest with myself and not have to deal with the peculiarities of a (unresolved) therapist. The support and encouragement of the group was POWERFUL for me and I'm very glad that I did it.
If I had kids, I'd do whatever it takes - REGARDLESS - to ensure that my kids would NOT be mentally damaged by inadequate parenting or in a troubled home life like I was damaged by my parents long ago. IMO, the safety and mental heath of a helpless, dependent child is all the motivation I would need to HELP my kids grow up sane and healthy.
I would imagine that his behavior is EXTREMELY damaging to your kids!
WRONG! Only people who are either mentally ill or have serious self control issues are that way and this is PROFOUNDLY DESTRUCTIVE to the children who are helplessly trapped with such a destructive person.
IMO, that is very damaging to the helpless, innocent kids who have to stand by and watch all of that ugliness with no defense or protection.

I wonder how your kids feel about all of that?
The only thing that ever helped me was going into support groups and therapy to deal with my issues from a very bad childhood.
I would focus on the well being and needs of my dependent children to help me focus on what's important and figure out what to do FOR THEIR SAKE above all else, including my own needs, etc.
I would too - for the sake of my dependent kids!

I don't give advise so all I can say is what I said in the beginning, do whatever you have to do to make sure that your innocent, vulnerable and HELPLESS kids are not seriously DAMAGED by unhealthy parenting/care-giving. Going to work at a therapeutic clinic might be your best resource to find help and support. I know that online help would not have worked for me but might have sent me to places and people where I could have found help. I don't have kids so my situation was very different from yours although I struggled with Codependency and Adult Child issues (and still do).
re: "If you actually got through all this"
me: Yes, I did actually get through it and am still getting through it by using every single thing I could find such as: support groups, books, workshops, tapes, Self Esteem work, anger work, self love work, Spiritual things, mostly psychological things and whatever I could find to HELP me get better and find a Higher Power. If I had been a parent, I would have done a LOT MORE and a lot SOONER to ensure I would not pass my sick family b.s. on to the defenseless, innocent kids like my SICK parents did and their sick parents did and their sick parents did, etc. I am not a parent so I have no kids to damage and feel bad about but, fixing myself might have some positive impact on someone so I'm glad I took the time to fix the rotten crap my sad parents dumped into me back then and wish that all kids in the whole world could be given adequate, healthy parenting. I know it's a mad dream but I still see parenting as the ARCH DEMEAN of life so long as it's still the most unhealthy thing their is in our world. Maybe there will come a time in the distant future when ALL kids will be given healthy parenting and not have to go to support groups and therapy to overcome the rotten way they were raised.
good luck figuring how to HELP your kids grow up sane,
jim