Am I doomed??

I am a junior in college. Recently, I have joined a fraternity and another association to improve my knowledge of business. For me, joining these organizations is social suicide. But, that is besides the point.

Today I just learned that I have multiple personality disorders. Im feel like I would have lived better if I continued thinking in denial that I only have GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). I have found that my personality matches with dependent, avoidant, and paranoid personality disorders. I have a very hard time disagreeing with people because I believe that their comfort and opinions are somehow better than mine, and I am afraid of offending them. (I dont want them to leave me). I want to socialize with people, but when I achieve friendship with them, Im afriad to hang out with them and I want to hide away (Avoidant personality disorder). Normally, before even speaking with someone, I set myself up for failure by thinking that I need to improve myself socially and intellectually before meeting the requirements to speak with them. I have difficulty retaining anything, which means I probably also have ADD. One of my core issues is that I don’t know very basic knowledge about politics, states, history, anything. I feel stupid and dependent. I solely depend on my mother for every decision Ive ever made. Since my father died when I was very young, I have relied on my mother for emotional support. The issue is, I rely on her for almost every decision I make. For all my life, my decisions were and still are never really my own, because I reach out to someone else just to make sure Im taking the right step. I idolize people until they make one mistake, then I despise them.Then, when they do something nice, Im quick to forget their mistakes and love them again. This is too ****ed up. How do I even begin to approach this. I’ve searched up books for treatment, but there doesnt seem to be a promising turnaround for those with personality disorders. Im desperate to break free from feeling like an unprogrammed piece of equipment. I want to make decisions. I want to yell my thoughts when Im angry. I want to tell people that they are wrong when I feel that they are. I want to feel confident when making decisions. I want to love myself. Was your lifestyle somewhat like mine? How do you cope? Have you recovered? I want to know that this gets better. Im feeling so alone right now.

Hello kangaekoto: I'm sorry I cannot comment on your concerns. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

"Im desperate to break free from feeling like an unprogrammed piece of equipment."

I wish I could tattoo this on myself... I wish I could scream this... You've given voice to something I've felt my whole life!!

I'm not sure if I have a personality disorder, but I decided to browse this forum anyway. What I DO have is very similar to what you're describing; scared to lose people close to me, idolizing someone to the point of worship, so SO afraid of speaking up against anyone's opinions or desires. I spent so many years literally without a sense of self and just recently realized what had been going on.

Since then I've been working on saying "No." I've been working on forgiving myself for imagined future mistakes. (You know when you think "I shouldn't do this because I'll mess it up, I don't trust myself"?) I've been working on fully accepting WITH ALL MY HEART that we "all make mistakes". (Which is easier said than believed, I know.) It's a process that you can't find in books and you won't find in a self help program. These things ARE something that can be worked with alongside a therapist or counselor, and I'd greatly advise you seek out their help as I have.

All my love to you. <3