Am I Helpless?

Im a junior studying under a Business major in college. I have always had low self confidence, but nowadays I had hit an all-time low. Recently, I joined two business organizations (to improve business expertise) but the social commitment that comes with them gives me dread. Heres why:

Today, I just learned that my personality matches with dependent, avoidant, and paranoid personality disorders. I feel like I would have lived better if I continued thinking in denial that I only have GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) Some examples of my behavior is that I have a very hard time disagreeing with people because I believe that their comfort and opinions are somehow better than mine, and I am afraid of offending them. (I dont want them to leave me). I want to socialize with people, but when I achieve friendship with them, Im afriad to hang out with them and I want to hide away (Avoidant personality disorder). Normally, before even speaking with someone, I set myself up for failure by thinking that I need to improve myself socially and intellectually before meeting the requirements to speak with them. I have difficulty retaining anything, which means I probably also have ADD. One of my core issues is that I don’t know very basic knowledge about politics, states, history, anything. I feel stupid and dependent. I solely depend on my mother for every decision Ive ever made. Since my father died when I was very young, I have relied on my mother for emotional support. The issue is, I rely on her for almost every decision I make. For all my life, my decisions were and still are never really my own, because I reach out to someone else just to make sure Im taking the right step. I idolize people until they make one mistake, then I despise them.Then, when they do something nice, Im quick to forget their mistakes and love them again. This is too ****ed up. How do I even begin to approach this. I’ve searched up books for treatment, but there doesnt seem to be a promising turnaround for those with personality disorders. Im desperate to break free from feeling like an unprogrammed piece of equipment. I want to make decisions. I want to yell my thoughts when Im angry. I want to tell people that they are wrong when I feel that they are. I want to feel confident when making decisions. I want to love myself. Was your lifestyle somewhat like mine? How do you cope? Have you recovered? I want to know that this gets better. Im feeling so alone right now.

nope you aren't hopeless.

wishing you wellness
Jade

Hello kangaekoto: You wrote you just learned your personality matches dependent, avoidant & paranoid personality disorders. So, one thing I wondered was how you came upon this information. Was this all a diagnosis given to you by a therapist or psychiatrist? Did you participate in some sort of psychological testing? (These are rhetorical questions... I'm not asking for a reply.)

I think there is a danger in becoming too caught up in all of this heavy-duty psychological terminology. One can easily be overwhelmed. Nothing you wrote strikes me as being any kind of insurmountable deficit on your part. If you're a junior in college, perhaps you're still quite young. And I would venture to guess that a lot of people feel much the same way you do.

It is possible that you may be a person who feels awkward, & perhaps even intimidated, in social situations. Not everyone does. But lots of people do. I certainly do. Assuming this is the case with you, it is simply something you'll need to take into account as you continue on in college & plan your career path. To some extent, some of this may resolve as you gain experience. But beyond that, you may simply want to take your social sensitivity into account as you plan your future. Likewise, decision making is a skill one develops as one goes along in life. As likely as not... you'll grow into it.

I once participated in a partial hospital program where they told us: "Don't should on yourself!" I know you wrote you want to make decisions, yell your thoughts when you're angry, etc. From my perspective, I think one of the most unfortunate things we tend to do to ourselves is to set ourselves up by envisioning how we think we should be, or how we want to be. Then we castigate ourselves when we feel we don't measure up. So don't should on yourself...

Learning to accept & work with oneself, just as one is, is the key to happiness, in my opinion. That doesn't mean we can't change, & even improve ourselves over time. But before we can hope to do that, I think we need to find peace within ourselves just as we are. Nothng you wrote suggests to me that this is beyond your reach. I wish you well...