DPD and romantic involvements with NPD

Over the course of my romantic life, I've noticed a troubling pattern. I seem to be a magnet for those with strong narcissistic traits. Looking back over every major relationship [not the short lived ones, but the long ones] it is clear that the ones I've fallen for the hardest - and the ones who have done the most damage - are men who could possibly be diagnosed as malignant narcissists.

Is it typical for a person with DPD to find themselves in highly abusive relationships with abrasive, arrogant, controlling men who then, after a period of time, devalue and discard the DPD in a loud and spectacular way for that "something better"?

I'd love to break the pattern, but can't seem to interest anyone who isn't a howling narcissist. Is it the doom of DPD's to have these relationships? Is there any hope for a healthy relationship for those of us with DPD? I'm tired...

I'm sorry I don't know the answer to your question. But I noticed no one had replied to your post. So I thought I would. Here are links to articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some interest:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...-a-narcissist/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-da...s-narcissists/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...o-narcissists/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...nd-narcissism/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narci...t-what-bullht/

I wish you well...

In my 60's I came to understand that I'm an empath, a people pleaser and a dependent person and likely those are the reasons I had my heart broken so many times in romantic relationships. I was the guy who either got stood up, dumped or rejected. Like you, I was drawn to women who were 'quirky', seducers, and some who were just plain emotionally troubled. I dated, lived with and married a troubled, alcohol addicted woman and I could never, nor still can't, find the courage to leave, though I'm miserable. If I get out, I will work hard to steer clear of such women. I can't save anyone, except myself and right now, I'm not doing a good job at that.

Its not your fault that people are bad but it could be helpful to look at yourself and see if there is anything that you think makes people like this are attracted to you. I used to attract the wrong guys before I met my husband and realized that there were some vibes I was giving off that were like distress calls to bad boys.

I think possibly malignant Narcissists tend to be attracted to people who tend to be “people pleasers” - either to use for a brief period and then discard ... as you said with a spectacular show of their peculiar brand of blaming labelling arrogance or even to be involved in a romantic relationship. I was engaged to a Narcissist for a while. I’m married to a lovely man who isn’t a Narcissist so I think it’s possible to break the pattern

I have DPD myself and found myself in a lot of controlling relationships. Lots of anger and lashing out towards me. It might result from the people pleasing and self-esteem for me.

I tend to be a people pleaser and I’ve been in a lot of controlling relationships with the lashing out and anger directed at me. I wish I could “forget” those mean people. It sucks when their last words to us are poisonous. One person who used me did this to me in my house after I had got married. I won’t repeat what he said. He was probably “jealous” but that’s no excuse I wish I had refused to let him back into my life at all... he was mean and callous (sorry about the rant )

No apologies necessary. We have to get it out by talking it out. Just don’t let it control you. The good qualities about you are meant for you and were also meant for someone else.

Hey sarah! I bolded what you wrote because I've experienced this same thing. But I don't know what those 'distress call vibes' look like for me yet.

I think I used to send out 'self distress vibes' of low self esteem, low self worth with men I met. Like, I would let them walk all over my boundaries. I would know they were lying to me and do nothing. Now? I am quick to set up boundaries with men. And, if those boundaries push away the wrong guys, great! I am still empathetic with men who are going through tough times, but now I won't give myself over to these men 24/7 like I used to. I've learned to put myself first. I'm still lonely. Still meeting narcs and really self absorbed men, who I'll go on a few dates with (as my threads here show) but now at least I draw the line and don't back down when they cross it.

The pattern I fall/fell into is I respond with my emotional support with the more praise the guy gives me. That is such a toxic, dysfunctional pattern though. Because I give and give, he takes and takes and gives me nothing in return. What the narcs need to realize is that you NEED to learn to love yourself instead of using people as your source of validation and love.

Everyone has their own path to follow. Everyone has their own mistakes to make and learn from. It's not the empath/sensitive person's responsibility to do that for others. It just isn't. And this is what annoys me to no end, about the men I've met. It's no one's job to fix you; just your job and your job alone. Why is that so hard for some men to accept? They rebound with me thinking I'll fulfill their void when really all I am, is a warm body to land on temporarily until they have sucked the life out of me and go on to their next source. I am not in the men-rehab business. The only thing I like to fix, is my hair and makeup.

They just want to use me for emotional support. They could care less about me as a whole person. They have so little love for themselves, they expect me to be their source. Um, no thanks! Where is the man for me, who is his own source of self-love? His own inner strength? His own accountability to himself, instead of projecting and blaming and deflecting it all on to me?

Where is that guy! I'm still waiting to meet him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche Hey sarah! I bolded what you wrote because I've experienced this same thing. But I don't know what those 'distress call vibes' look like for me yet. I think I used to send out 'self distress vibes' of low self esteem, low self worth with men I met. Like, I would let them walk all over my boundaries. I would know they were lying to me and do nothing. Now? I am quick to set up boundaries with men. And, if those boundaries push away the wrong guys, great! I am still empathetic with men who are going through tough times, but now I won't give myself over to these men 24/7 like I used to. I've learned to put myself first. I'm still lonely. Still meeting narcs and really self absorbed men, who I'll go on a few dates with (as my threads here show) but now at least I draw the line and don't back down when they cross it. The pattern I fall/fell into is I respond with my emotional support with the more praise the guy gives me. That is such a toxic, dysfunctional pattern though. Because I give and give, he takes and takes and gives me nothing in return. What the narcs need to realize is that you NEED to learn to love yourself instead of using people as your source of validation and love. Everyone has their own path to follow. Everyone has their own mistakes to make and learn from. It's not the empath/sensitive person's responsibility to do that for others. It just isn't. And this is what annoys me to no end, about the men I've met. It's no one's job to fix you; just your job and your job alone. Why is that so hard for some men to accept? They rebound with me thinking I'll fulfill their void when really all I am, is a warm body to land on temporarily until they have sucked the life out of me and go on to their next source. I am not in the men-rehab business. The only thing I like to fix, is my hair and makeup. They just want to use me for emotional support. They could care less about me as a whole person. They have so little love for themselves, they expect me to be their source. Um, no thanks! Where is the man for me, who is his own source of self-love? His own inner strength? His own accountability to himself, instead of projecting and blaming and deflecting it all on to me? Where is that guy! I'm still waiting to meet him.

Honestly Blanche I wish I had never written that or written it differently. That was written when I had been a member for only one month and I was still learning the ways of the forum and not being as sensitive as I normally am. I know that what I have is rare and that I am lucky. I do not believe people project vibes that make them undesirable necessarily although I do think actions have a lot to do with it and also what one says. I do agree that sometimes I felt like I had victim stamped on my forehead and was easy prey. But I learned the hard way not to allow past victimizers to haunt me by making me prey to other predators. But I had to go to the depths of despair through alcoholism in order to build myself back up enough to take back my pain and my identity and my soul and make it mine again. And keep it for myself and not allow narcissist’s or other assholes to abuse me. It’s not that easy for a lot of people and I wish I had written with more compassion. I hope I didn’t hurt or offend you.

No you didn't offend me. I was actually agreeing with you that I do believe people can give off the wrong vibes that make them easy prey to manipulators, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I wasn't offended by your post above at all. Your journey through alcoholism to the other side of sobriety is truly inspiring and shows what a strong person you are. You deserve to be in a healthy marriage with your spouse. It makes sense to me, that I probably do give off 'victim' vibes to manipulative men, so your post above was extremely helpful to me. I don't think I would be single and still attracting self absorbed men (who play the victim with me, "woe is me, my ex was horrible, blah blah blah"). I'm truly so over it. I just want to attract healthy men to me. I'm so sick of these men who want to use me emotionally. I deserve better, you know? What is it with divorced/recently dumped men who think just because I'm empathetic, I will devote all of my energy to them b/c they are lonely and want attention? What about me, huh? What about my needs? I should start a vent thread about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche No you didn't offend me. I was actually agreeing with you that I do believe people can give off the wrong vibes that make them easy prey to manipulators, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I wasn't offended by your post above at all. Your journey through alcoholism to the other side of sobriety is truly inspiring and shows what a strong person you are. You deserve to be in a healthy marriage with your spouse. It makes sense to me, that I probably do give off 'victim' vibes to manipulative men, so your post above was extremely helpful to me. I don't think I would be single and still attracting self absorbed men (who play the victim with me, "woe is me, my ex was horrible, blah blah blah"). I'm truly so over it. I just want to attract healthy men to me. I'm so sick of these men who want to use me emotionally. I deserve better, you know? What is it with divorced/recently dumped men who think just because I'm empathetic, I will devote all of my energy to them b/c they are lonely and want attention? What about me, huh? What about my needs? I should start a vent thread about it.

Absolutely start a thread. I would love to participate