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Old Nov 30, 2019 at 04:47 PM
  #1
 
Iíve been in the forum for Avpd, then in Borderline PDís one. Always feeling as a free verse.
I basically have depression. Part innate and part reactive to my high anxiety.
My psychiatrist described my personality as a personality type belonging to cluster C.
I see myself pretty dependant if I look at my past and current behaviour.
Barely feeling able to do things by myself. Things that anyone who is normal is able to do.
I always put myself in a second, third... place. Itís as if I didnít deserve my own place. As if I were different. Inappropriate, defective.
It happens to me with family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers.
The few times I could be a little brave was when there was someone to encourage me by my side. If not, Iím lost.
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Old Dec 01, 2019 at 03:11 AM
  #2
 
Do people ever try to take advantage of you? You would be easy prey for a narcissist so be careful.
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Old Dec 01, 2019 at 12:34 PM
  #3
 
Interesting topic you come out with.
In my personal case, I donít know. I have doubts about each one of my significant relations but I donít think they are narcissist at all. The problem lay on myself. How I see myself. So, itís up to a point normal that whoever is with me they are gonna be for the wrong reasons.

Another thing to consider is that depending on others, looking for support because you see yourself faulty is not very right either. Itís not fair with the other person because you donít know up to what point you are being genuine or you are trying to fill in a hole, a lack.

Itís complicate and I resist myself to go here and there feeling a victim. I think everyone can be toxic for another person. Itís not needed they have a personality disorder.
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Old Dec 01, 2019 at 09:20 PM
  #4
 
It's odd that you haven't encountered noticeable predators. I get pursued by a lot people who would love to find someone like you. I'm actually the opposite of you. I'm a loner which makes narcissists think I'm available.

People whose dominating behavior drove away their wives, kids, and everyone else tend to latch onto me and try to convince me that I need to depend on them so they can make me spend every minute with them. Some even demand that I quit my job and live closer to them when they barely know me. They are so desperate for relationships that they claim to be intimate friends right after meeting me and pursue me for a long time. It seems odd that such people don't find you instead because that is more likely work out. Its weird that I always attract this type.

Do you have someone in your life who wants to control you? Or do you think someone might be exploiting your dependant nature in this way? I'm really interested because I haven't heard much about dependant personality before. It seems like the sterotype people keep trying to force me into.
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Old Dec 02, 2019 at 12:59 PM
  #5
 
I see it. They likely see you as manipulable but Iím sure they soon realised on their error. lol!
I donít feel accredited to give you insight about Dependant Personality disorder since I havenít been diagnosed with this or any other personality disorder. As much, I have traits belonging to cluster C.
So, I wouldnít feel comfortable. I only can give you personal impressions based on my experience.
Cleared it up,
In my case, since Iíve been diagnosed and suffer social anxiety, I seldom socialice with people, narcissists or any other kind. I have been advised a couple of times about a third person but I resist myself to see bad in people.
It has sense a person with Narcissistic personality feels attractive to those people who tend to be pleaser, dependent, nice people in general, more than others. Dependant, borderline people since they have characteristics in their personalities that cover pretty well the needs of letís name it, a person with narcissistic traits.

Anyway, itís sad.
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Old Dec 03, 2019 at 10:05 PM
  #6
 
Yes. I actually feel bad for the narcissists I rejected because they seem desperately lonely, but they try to secure relationships by controlling inappropriately and intruding into private matters. The good thing is that those experiences taught me what personal boundaries were and I realized my family do not let me have boundaries so I started fighting for that that home. Do you have boundary issues?

Thanks for sharing your experience. You seem really easy going and nice.
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Old Dec 04, 2019 at 03:17 PM
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Lol! Actually, I think you donít have to feel sorry if they are true narcissist. Unless, they want to learn and work on their issues, they will likely go right away to the their next target without thinking of you twice. That, if not have several targets at the same time. In that case, they wonít need to look for another target.

Boundaries issues? Of course. Only that as I donít socialice a lot, I donít have the opportunity to affect people or being affected by people way too much.
You know, I have been noticing that my boundaries issues are usually reflected in a passive-aggressive behaviour. I know it sounds selfish and itís selfish but I caught up myself in a quite gregarious behaviour and then, demand the same response on the other person.
In your case, what did you find harder to learn about boundaries issues?

Iíve been off the forum for many months and I guess I missed to share about these topics since I donít have people or I donít feel comfortable treating these topics with people who are nearest to me.

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Old Dec 04, 2019 at 07:20 PM
  #8
 
Haha. I thought the narcississts would find new targets too, but it. seems like they have run out of supply and saw me as their last hope. I really felt sorry for one old guy because I could see that his neighbors avoided him and he complained that his ex wife and kids won't speak to him. That should have been a warning sign. After I ignored his emails for over a year, he still emailed to try to get me back by trying to sound less aggressive and demanding. I worry a bit that he will try to corner me at the local grocery store and I will have to be rude.

The problem I have with boundaries is that I grew up in a family that wanted to walk all over me. They also demanded that I put strangers before myself.

The issue with one narcissist happened because when I first met him on the street, he invited me into his house. I said no and he kept asking until my sister demanded that I go into this guy's house for a cup of tea to avoid being rude. That made this man think he didn't need to take no for an answer if I refused him anything else. When he got obnoxious, i felt guilty for months about ignoring him because he was old and I always thought you should be kind to old people. After months of stressing out over it, I realized that people take advantage because I am afraid of being rude. If my sister or aunts see me refuse someone, they will tell me off and often encourage older men to pursue relationships with me. It took me a long time to recognize this vicious pattern.

So I have been rethinking how I relate to people. I have a cousin who is really nice but she always gets bullied at work. She loved her dog, but her dog always bit her. When she got a cat, the cat also started attacking her so someone else has to hold her cat to let her clean the litter box without getting scratched.

This makes me think if people tend to treat us badly, something in our behavior is letting them know they can get away with it. For me, I think I'm too worried about being rude even to rude people. I think I misunderstood the realistic standards of what it is to be polite. When someone is rude or inconsiderate,

I'm not sure what you mean by being passive aggressive and expecting people to do the same. Can you explain?
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Old Dec 04, 2019 at 08:16 PM
  #9
 
Your remark about your cousin touched my heart. :-)
Itís sad but sometimes we donít help ourselves not even a bit. Lack of self-confidence is a hell. She is not to be blamed sure she is a very nice and a very valid person but the less able we see ourselves to do and get our goals or stand up for ourselves, the easier is to have relations where we can feel or being abused.
As an animal lover the thing about the dog and the cat is pretty normal. They perceive extremely well energy and mood states and when they donít see you strong enough, their world gets upside down and they have to kind of taking the leads somehow.
She needs to empower herself some way.

Linking the question you addressed to me and the argument you came out with in regards to our own behaviour sort of provoking a mean behaviour from other people...Iím sure sometimes happen this way.
This is my passive behaviour part. Iím very polite and gregarious but when I donít see the same behaviour in the other person, I mean just want to be treat in the same way, I can move into an aggressive mood and attack as if I had to defend or protect myself and as if I regret being so nice. Thatís if you matters to me. If you are not gonna be an important part of my life, I move on and forget about you as soon as possible. I barely will be able to trust in a possible relation with you. It sounds resentment and yes, it is. Iím trying to find a kind of balance and be more realistic with boundaries and expectations.

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Old Dec 05, 2019 at 09:19 PM
  #10
 
Oh. What you said about yourself is interesting. So you expect people to mirror you behavior? I have never known anyone to admit they only want people who will be a big part of their life or they move on. It must be hard to maintain social connections.
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Old Dec 06, 2019 at 06:32 AM
  #11
 
I think that I explained myself wrongly.
I donít expect people mirroring me. Wow! It would be so boring. It would be like being interacting with myself and I already do that everyday. lol!
I expect an equal treat. A place where my needs and being is respected as I respect the other person. However, I tend to be severe, strict with myself and then with the other people. These are my perfectionism traits.
So, Iím working on this. Itís not easy because as you said it makes connections way too hard, that, without counting that I already find difficult to connect due to my social anxiety.
I didnít want to mention but I was surprise when you said I seem easy going. Nothing further than the reality. lol!
Concerning the second part of your message, I explained myself bad. I mean that I donít waste a moment when someone is being mean and Iím more like ignoring than reacting when the person is a stranger.
Ex; I react when this person is in my life or is gonna go on being part in my life.
This happened to me last year. I had a coworker in a pretty good consideration. When a person ask me a favour or itís on my hand to give her/him a help with something, I throw myself into doing with all I can, the best I can do.
I ask this same person for some orientation and educational resources to help my nephew who is in the Asperger spectrum. Itís my coworkerís specialty. Ok. She with few words told me that I could go to a certain library to look for the material by myself. For me this person died that day.
But, I know Iím being very severe and I have to work on this and discover why I do it, other than, my perfectionist tendency.

Your issue is about showing yourself polite. And much more because you were influenced by your family and society. Donít forget women are taught to be nice and polite. My case is similar.
How did you feel yourself when after feeling forced to be polite or give more than you wanted, gave you more problems and headaches than a satisfactory relation? Mine is a little similar but my own nature with my perfectionism are the ones that force myself to be a giver, a gregarious, a helper, a polite person. Itís a mistake. The correct is the balance.

Sorry for the long post. I hope I explained myself a little bit better. :-)

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Iím not a native English speaker so take this into account in the way I have to express myself.

Folks, if you have social anxiety, join the social group here. Letís work all together to stop that piece of cr@pís feet. 👍
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