[theave]

I was diagnosed with depression two years ago, and the first year was a slide downhill towards being extremely suicidal and spending a month in hospital. There were glimmers of things changing in spring last year - that there could be a future that included me - but at that point we took a major family decision to move thousands of miles. All my energies were channeled into the move, sorting everything out and easing the transition for my children. Many dark days of exhaustion, fear and just feeling I couldn't cope. Not many days when I didn't cry. Trying to settle somewhere new and replace my excellent support system when I didn't want to have to replace them, just to have them there looking after me again. Heading towards Christmas last year just had so many memories of the past year and it felt it was sucking me down again.

But slowly, slowly things have improved. Some unsettling news a couple of months ago made me realise I do want to make a life for our family where we are now - upsetting but ultimately useful. And then - for whatever reason - I have been able to see that depression no longer has to define me. It is a part of my past - and who knows? - a part of my future?, part of me, but is not the only part I have to pay attention to. At my lowest point I could see all the distinct roles in my life - wife, mother, daughter, friend, teacher - but inside there was a void, I had displaced myself somewhere, and I just couldn't keep up the charade of those roles. Today, while I'm not overbrimming with confidence, I have started to accept myself a little more, I have started thinking what I want to have in my future, and started a little towards making that happen.

I have spent the last couple of years unable to trust my judgement - being suicidal when I have children, knowing that's the worst thing I could ever do to those I love and love me, has done that to me. I knew it was wrong to think like that and yet I did. And so I found it hard to trust my judgement about anything; but over the last few months, I have started to think again about what I believe and to be able to defend those beliefs. This has caused some difficulties for me recently but, while I believe I have remained open to others' views, I have still been able to stay sure of what I think is right. And that seems huge. Is huge. Something I have always found hard is starting to shift.

So, cautiously optimistic about depression retreating finally. It's probably trite to talk about life events making you stronger, but this experience has brought me and my husband closer; I am more able to talk to my children about how they feel; and I have met some wonderful people I would never have had the chance to meet otherwise.

I felt I was arrogant in my firm belief that suicide was the only possible outcome for me; when my psychiatrist or others said that it was something I could recover from, I couldn't hear it; and yet, it really does seem to be happening. Quite simply, amazing.

Good for you, theave. May you find that progress is a frequent visitor.

[Sabrina]

Your post reminds me a bit of my own healing. How very inspiring and encouraging. Thank you so much for sharing theave.

[theave]

Thanks - I have found things a little harder this week, but it's good to be able to remind myself of how far I have come, really, and that recovery isn't an "either / or" experience, but on a continuum.