Cautiously Optimistic

I was diagnosed with my 2nd major depressive episode last November, but in truth, I think it really began sometime around last July. My first was about 10 years ago and lasted almost 4 years, thank g-d I was able to recognize this one before it got as out of hand. In my first go-round, I was suicidal, had started doing things that were extremely dangerous to my emotional and physical well-being and had cut off everyone that I loved and held close to me. By the time I got in front of a good psychiatrist, I was one messed up chick!

This time, I recognized the symptoms and self-diagnosed and went to my doctor proactively. One night, my husband sat me down and said "Feddy, you are not the girl I married anymore..." and that was all it took for me to really look in the mirror and recognize what was going on.

It took a number of different therapists before I finally found one I connected with, and then a number of different meds before I finally found one that worked, but after many, many painful months I think that I have finally reached a turning point. In going through all of that, I have ended up taking the last two months off of work on disability (best decision I could have made) and engaging the support of my family, closest friends and my husband. Without them, I couldn't have survived this again.

Depression is awful. I have spent every day of the last 10 months wishing for things to get better and for me to feel better. I cried constantly and suffered constant, terrible bouts of overwhelming anxiety. That is the only symptom I am still struggling with, although not nearly as severe.

About three weeks ago, things started to change for me. I don't want to get ahead of myself because I know how quickly it can all fall apart again, but it has been long enough now that I think I am finally moving in the right direction. Ironically, it also coincided with me bumping my dose of Cymbalta up to the full 60 mg (I have now been on it for 7 weeks). My husband can see the difference and so can my friends. And that encourages me even more to keep moving forward and making positive choices.

I don't know what will happen next, but I know that for the first time in a while, I am looking forward to it. I am going to go back go work on a modified, very part time schedule over the next few weeks and see how I react. If it doesn't work, I will stop but I hope that I can manage it. I want to start living again, I am sick of being in the shadows. I feel like I am being given a 3rd chance and I am so grateful.

It sucks knowing that this might happen again (and again and again) but I know that I will survive if it does. I know that everyone who loves me will help me and stand by me and I will make it through. I have now done this twice, g-d help me, I am becoming an expert. But for now, I want to live.

Yep, thank has evolved into success. Congratulations and best wishes for a depression free life.

Maybe each time it was just an opportunity to learn something about you, your life.

I certainly do not see you as falling down from this experience but maybe each of them is meant to make you appreciate more what you have good in your life and I see that that is what you are doing! I simply admire you for that!

I am bipolar but spent most of my life after being diagnosed with childhood depression in a depressed state. I am 49 now and haven't been depressed in years although I still have some bouts with controlled mania. I have learned from the serotonin reuptake inhibiters that the more serotonin I produce naturally the better they will work. To produce serotonin naturally you think up a list of things that make you feel good and then do them. On the top of my list is helping others. For me after being on disability for 14 years the thing that brings me the most happiness is my volunteer job at a hospital where I went to both help out and pratice working again. I got my niece who is also disabled involved also and it brings her tremendous happiness as it does me. I am hoping to go back to payed employment in the fall after I get my master's degree which I have been working on for the last few years of my disability. I am very blessed in having recovered from multiple sclerosis after 21 years and a number of other illnesses after losing 100lbs. They said I would be in a wheel chair and severely cognitively impaired by my age but the opposite is true. I am so very blessed. I keep taking leaps of faith and landing squarely on my feet and always trying to produce serotonin by doing good works and things I enjoy. I hope I helped a little. I know it is hard to get moving after an episode of depression but you sound highly motivated and blessed and I have faith you will be back to full time work soon with deep concern, Roseann

That is wonderful advice. You are an inspiration Roseann. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I hope that I can use your success to help me continue on my own journey. I never thought about doing things that would help me produce serotonin naturally, but that makes so much sense. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your story.

I hear you, it is tough, but you sound like you have what it takes to do it again + if needed. Thanks for your words. I am just asking for psychiatric help again, it is scarry, but I want to give it another go. Good luck in your battle too.

It sucks knowing that this might happen again (and again and again) but I know that I will survive if it does. I know that everyone who loves me will help me and stand by me and I will make it through. I have now done this twice, g-d help me, I am becoming an expert. But for now, I want to live. [/quote]

Nicely done and said, kittylover.

I absolutely love the title of your message, "cautiously optimistic." I am just now beginning to come out of a very severe bout of depression that I did not think I would survive. This is the first time in a few months that I have felt like life might actually be worth living. At this point, this feels like a huge success. Sometimes the simple fact that you can keep going one day at a time indicates that the will is strong and there is hope. Thank you for sharing your hope with us.

So I wrote my initial note at the beginning of May and it is now the middle of August and time for a very necessary update. I have gone from cautiously optimistic to actually living my life! But, the reason for this update is that I have finally taken the last step I needed to eliminate the biggest trigger for depression from my life - I have finally landed a new job. Work was the final trigger that pushed me over the edge and landed me in a full blown, out of control, I can't even get out of bed any more, major, depressive episode, combined with out of control panic attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (new diagnosis for me, I had never suffered from that before.) I had major conflicts with my boss, was harassed to the point where I thought I would lose my mind and wound up on disability for 5 months. Not so bad compared to many, but still pretty awful for me.

In any case, my job hunt has been going on for almost a year and in two weeks, I start my dream job. Literally. I have a fabulous connection with my new manager, the role includes a lot of strategic work and it allows me to work with people. Everything I wanted to do.

My therapist and I agreed a while ago that this was a necessary step for me to take to completely heal. We debated (many times) the merits of staying on disability completely to look for a job or returning to my current job part time while I looked so as not to avoid (his rationale) my fears of my office. I did return part time, and I'm glad that I did, because I was able to face the things I feared most. They were still awful, I was still treated like crap, but I didn't crumble. I persevered and I still made it through. And I didn't relapse. I did struggle tremendously with my anxiety, but he helped me cope with that too. And I think all of that will make me a better and stronger leader as I go into my new job.

So...here's where I am now. 3 1/2 months after I wrote my initial note "cautiously optimistic", my husband and I are reunited and really great, my career is taking off again, I have renewed most of my friendships and have an active social life again, and most of all, I LOVE living. I still struggle with anxiety. I have a LOT of issues to work through in therapy. Some weeks I HATE my therapist because he is really pushing me now to go deeper and uncover and work through those things that I revealed when I was at my lowest because now I can handle it. But I go back and see him and we talk every single week.

I am no longer cautious. I am now optimistic and happy. I am truly in remission and it feels so good.

Feddy

It took a long time for me to understand what you were saying but now I think I get it.....I think it's why I like leading people so much and why I choose leadership roles at work. Everytime I see someone be successful, or I have a difficult conversation where someone walks away with a new understanding or makes a different choice, I feel great! I feel like I've accomplished something and helped someone achieve something that matters and it gives me a little boost. I just reread your post and I finally think I understand why. The work that I choose to do every day involves leading others and teaching them how to achieve their full potential and every time I succeed, so do they. Now I get it...I have to continue to leverage the work I do for the psychological benefits it can give me. And they are plentiful! Thank you so much for sharing.

Your story is awsome!!!!!!!!! I needed your inspiration. Once I get things straight here I hope my story will be a success to.