[mcspaz]

Well, hullo there!

Odds are, if you're reading this, you're sifting through for optimism and proof that depression is not insurmountable.

I overcame it. Starting in about May or June, I fell through a spiral of crippling depression. My mother saw it, but I denied it. There was a lot of change going on at the time and I refused to admit that I was not coping with it as well as my peers.

It was the end of high school, my conditions at home were awful, and I had very little that convinced me life was worth it.

I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want anything.

I went, regardless, and I'm glad I did. I found a group of friends, and though I'm not much to talk to, just being around them has cheered me up. It wasn't easy, though. I spent the first month and a half at college alone. I did stupid things. I teetered toward insanity, getting to a point where quite literally, nothing mattered to me at all. I cheated on a guy with his best friend, and I didn't care.

It was nice having my best friend worry for me. She saw the drastic changes when no one else did. Her worry sparked something in me, even if I didn't see it. I posted my problems here. Someone responded.

I found solace in seeing other people's posts. There were people going through the same ordeal as me and others who had surpassed it. This was my retreat, my haven where I could freely express my pain.

And then there were the beautiful replies to my own post. They were heartfelt and honest and touched a chord within me. I found a reason to live: myself.

The only one causing my pain was myself. Sometimes that is difficult to come to terms with. It's somewhat true in a way. For those who have opportunity to improve their lives, those who do not take those opportunities are responsible for their own pain. I understand that there are cases when you are absolutely helpless. Believe me, I do! I was seventeen and stuck in a household where my mother was bipolar and switched between being angry with me for leaving her and being angry for my being there. She could never decide if she wanted children, even after she had them.

Now that I am in college and I am eighteen, I am outside the reach of my mother. This means that I am responsible for myself. Rather than this being daunting and scary, it's exhilarating and wonderful. I enjoy having control over my life. My mom may not always agree with my decisions, but there is literally nothing she does that can stop me. I asserted that I would be the one who paid for college and for my living expenses. With this, I am only obligated to her by her generous decision to raise me.

Once I finally found a group in college, I hung out with them. Often. I may not have been happy, but they were. I discovered that being around happy people made me happy. Happiness was tangible again. It was reachable. The man I am dating now has taught me that I am deserving of happiness. I was wonderstruck by the thought that someone would want me around just because I AM. I exist and for whatever reason, he loves that and loves me for everything I do and everything I am. This was crucial to my healing. I found someone who loved me for just being myself, whether I was in a good place or bad.

After relating just a few stories from home, I'm convinced now that my home life was NOT normal and that my family was actually exacerbating my depression. Every time I return to that environment I am overwrought with echoes from last summer. Now I keep my distance to keep my sanity.

He cares for me very much and tells me so often. I have not had the "depression" talk with him yet, but I intend to very soon. He deserves the truth.

I don't know if this helps anyone, but I hope you all know that it IS possible to achieve happiness. I may not have the glamorous travelling lifestyle that I've always wanted, but I'm working towards it with a solid support group of people who love me just for being there. These people love me for just being. I matter to somebody, and those somebodies matter to me.

If you need or want a somebody, you will find one here. Someone DOES care. I care. Message me. Post here. Get on chat. Find someone. To take care of others, we must first take care of ourselves. We cannot always take care of ourselves BY ourselves.

Much love to you, reader, whether you be depressed, recovering, or otherwise. You deserve the best. You just have to go out and take it for yourself.

Happy New Year! Let this be your year. Let this be the year where you finally stand up and say, "I am worth it. I can correct what is making me unhappy. And if I can't, I will find somebody to help me take down that beast."

Smile for me, darling!

[mcspaz]

I owe everyone here a huge thank you for all of their support and love through this. If I had not been convinced that SOMEBODY cared about me, I do not know in what condition I would be in now.

THANK YOU!!

[tohelpafriend]

[quote=mcspaz;2174073]Well, hullo there!