[sundaymorning]

Hello all,

I wanted to share my story with you:

Growing up I was seen as a happy-go-lucky child. I was very shy, but people usually saw me as content and emotional strong. But insight I was badling the feeling that I was a waste to the world, suicidal thoughts, unlovable and I thought that another girl lived inside my head and she was better than me and who everyone wanted me to be her.

I carried on giving this impression untill I was 19, I was never showing who I was because I falsely linked my sensitivity to weakness. And I thought that I was unlovable.

Then I met a man and for the first time in my life, I felt as if someone liked me for just who I was. I dreamt of having a family and growing old with him. However he did not feel this way about me and ended our relationship. I was devestated. I felt more alone than ever before and I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't keep my guard up anymore, because I had never learnt to be strong and open with my emotions. I spent every night with a scarf tightened around my neck hoping to never wake up again.

I wanted to fix it and I tried everything. I told him that he was awful and behaved inconsiderate, selfish, aggresive and immature. After 8 months it got to much for him and he had to call the police. My secret was out, they knew about my suicide thoughts, my behaviour and later they got to know about the girl in my head.

I was forced violently into a hospital, called someone who is a pestilens to this earth and always talked to as if I would have to accept living this way forever, because it was who I am.

Then I got in contact with a wonderful man, not a therapist or anything. A man who was friends with my ex boyfriend and a very busy working man, who took out his time to care for a completely devestated young woman behaving as a little girl very patiently. His message should go out to everyone who doubts kind human beings.

He did help at first, but I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel and my voice in my head got stronger and told me that I was no good for this earth. I felt as if knifes were cutting through my heart and body every moment and everyone wanted me dead and gone. I fantasised about being beaten up. I thought that I would never be allowed to have children, which is my biggest dreams and therefore my life was completely irrelevant. And that I was unlovable.

But in a metaphoric sense this guy took my hand and without a therapist background, he treated me as a human being. Strong enough to make my own decisions and he did not give me exuses to behave inconsiderate. And as he said about the girl in my head, I am stronger than her because I am real and she is not. And he believed in me. I also saw some therapist who gave me a place to outlash on a more therapeutic and medical level. But he was my friend. A friend who said I didn't have to promise him anything apart from pursuing my own happiness.

And slowly something shifted. At first the sadness got deeper, but less aggresive but the happier times got happier. I suddenly got out of my own head and could see the world from a bigger perspective (and hey, it wasn't as dark and awful as I had imagined.) I still dealt with extreme low self-esteem, because that was my duty as the girl in my head told me. But through working on her she slowly disappeared for the first time in my life. And I realised that I am not a bad person. I care for people, I wish people well-being. I am open-minded and listen. And I like to help. So I started doing this, helping and felt that I was a value to the world. And I started not just being more loving towards others, but also more loving to myself.

And slowly I got stronger. And I regained hope. I learned to live in the moment even when I am looking forward to the future. I learned to appreciate all of my feelings. To take deep breaths before reacting and. And I feel strong and 10 years older and wiser. I believe that I can find love and have a family. And I have patience -and what a gift might I add!

I still have moment when I cry for hours feeling alone and fearful. But there's a big difference between letting myself feel this way and thinking that I am unworthy of love and unable to be a mother. When I just allow myself to feel this way without dwelling on my thoughts, soon I find myself in a new and happier moment.

So I wanted to share my story, because there's a hope out there. And I really, really hope that some of the things I learned from can help you all find you strong and content selfs again or for the first time.

[BatsAndButterflies]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sure many will find it to be very encouraging!

[Hellbilly Jackson]

Thanks for sharing. I just recently had my,"crap now every one knows" moment and it's good to here that the light will shine again

[sundaymorning]

Thanks for letting me share!! I hope it brings some hope and encouragement!

[desperateforhelpnow]

Hi Sunday morning, please share some of the ways you dealt with the wrong thoughts. I am really struggling. I am truly trying to start life anew but have these bothersome thoughts. You can send a message or post.

[feelingworthless14]

I too would like your tips. I try to fight the voice, but it doesn't really work.

[avlady]

Very interesting story, I'm hapy for you and congradulations