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Old 07-06-2013, 04:30 AM   #1
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Trig Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

Strangest thing, last year, on the 22 year marker. I really hadn't thought much of the date in question, until last year. I was, already in a funk, because July 15th is my mom's birthday. BUT, on the 14th of July, last year, I just melted. I had taken the kids out, think for ice cream, and came home and cried and cried and cried.

And I remembered. The 14th, was that fateful day, in St. Louis, MO. I made that final cut, in a campground(KOA?) shower. Saw vein, felt like some(thing/one) was hugging me and said/heard/imagined "Please don't, it will get better, I promise."

I have spent, the better portion of this entire year, trying to figure out, why, the day before my mom's birthday. What brought me to that place.

See, we were apart, my mom and myself. Had spent the better part of the month of July, travelling/RVing, across country with my father, his (soon to be/then wife) and her daughter(by this date, my stepsister).

During the end of June until I believe the 1st of July, I'd been in Boston at an overnight basketball camp. The last day of camp, I took two very hard falls. One from a jump ball, landed perpendicular straight down on my derriere..ouch. Then, chasing the ball, slid, on my rear, straight into the corner of a wall. At which point, I ended up at a local hospital, x-rayed and had a fractured coccyx.

When called, to come up, and either pick me up or fill my prescription codeine, my dad said he wouldn't be able to make it, until the next day, when it was pick up time. I spent the night on my stomach. Softly crying, as I didn't want to wake up my roommate who was also a classmate and teammate of mine.

Next day came. I was picked up. Drove to the South Shore area, got home and waited for him to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. By the time I go it, I took my pill and immediately vomited.

Then, it was time to pack up the RV and head cross country, with a donut pillow in tow. An important note, about this trip. I was on punishment for receiving a D in Algebra, 9th grade. All my other grades were normal, for me, A's and B's. So, they took my walk-man and all my cassettes, put them in a brown bag and said, too bad.

I spent that trip, reading VC Andrews, her entire series to that date. Flowers in the Attic, looking back...odd how I could relate and identify with characters in her series. And I spent this road trip, pretty much, mostly on my stomach or side.

I remember one stop, at a restaurant. The benches were hard. I said, I needed to go back and get my 'donut'. My father's girlfriend, told me, oh it doesn't hurt that bad, I broke my tailbone giving birth.

Her daughter, 2 years younger than me, I was 15, had a knack for meeting and making friends with all the boys along the way. I usually got the sidekick guy. Well, not got, certainly nothing physical along those lines, but she just had to make friends with all the boys.

We spent the 4th in Nashville. Fireworks were, well, beyond my memory right now.

Spent some time in Little Rock. Crossed the Mississippi River. Texas is dry heat and a lot of flatlands. The Grand Canyon is immense. The Rockies are well, rocky--Appalachians are filled with trees.

Ended up in Arizona, where my father's girlfriend's ex-in-laws lived. Her daughter and son's grandparents. (Why didn't he go, again?)
They left the two of us there, and took off for Vegas and to see the Hoover Dam. I saw a tarantula, walk near me. I stayed still, it walked on by. The grandparents took us across the border to Needles, CA, for some reservation priced smokes. Took us to an old western town, saw a mock shoot-out. And learned to watch out, rattlers can jump! Also, the grandfather taught us how to make jewelry and I made my own garnet earrings.

My father and his new bride came back. My new stepsister and I were beyond dismayed. Rather hurt and angry, "why didn't you say anything? Maybe we'd have liked to have been there to witness this?!" Hmpph was the reply, how dare us be upset on their most joyous occasion?! Oh and by the way girls, instead of heading through California and up through the northern part of the States, like planned, we are going back pretty much the way we came and are stopping at [my grandparents home] in PA.

I remember nothing more than tears, arguments, mass chaos, until we reached St. Louis. That arch is rather big! And there is a Six Flags, there too. Spent the day. They gave us a meeting time, some spending cash, and meeting spot. Rode the loop-de-loop, with some friends sidekick. Perhaps the reason for this, is she seemed much more easier than myself?! Sorry, sidekicks, seriously, I didn't want to be a 'sidekick', any more than yourself!!

Got back to that campsite, as the opening describes. That's when I bandaged myself up, after just sitting down, knees bent, arms around my legs and a sobbing mess. Went to the payphone, and called my mom, told her about the change in plans for the roadtrip. And I told her all about the presents I had picked up for her, from my sitting money, along the way. Both of which, she always displayed, one at work, the other at home. One a picture of collie dogs, hand painted/crafted, the other a pueblo pottery vase.

I didn't tell her, I didn't tell anyone. One would need to ask to learn. Most people, don't ask.

Arrived at my grandparents. They had a lake behind their home. I spent my couple of days, there, swimming. Which, wasn't unusual for me.

And this whole year, I worried that I would have such pain in my wrist, as I came closer to understanding and feeling my story.

Guess what?! My wrist doesn't hurt, but honest to goodness, I feel like I've broken my tailbone, all over again!!! Literally!!! Not kidding!!

Symbolic, or what?!!? MY butt is in pain!! Some life experience, has been the biggest pain in my butt!!!

That's my story, 8 days earlier than I ever imagined, but there it is!!
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Old 07-06-2013, 04:41 AM   #2
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

.....Stepmother, announced being pregnant, after we arrived home. Claimed, the reason for the shortened trip was because she didn't feel well.

Yeah, for someone who professed they couldn't have any more kids. This would be her 3rd child. A 15/16 year old son, a 13 year old daughter and one on the way.

She was 38!

Spent most of my pregnancies, wondering, could I? Would I? Handle a road trip?

That would be definitive.

Dad? Really? You know, just because you knock a woman up, you really aren't obligated to marry her!!

Of all those girlfriends, you had, and I met through the years, this is the one, when you've got one foot out the door, you decide is wife material?

Yeah, ....
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Old 07-06-2013, 04:43 AM   #3
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

Mom, I love you and cannot argue with a ghost.

Mom? Really? your choice in husband was a pervert, plain and simple. Touch me once, shame on him....never got that second chance to do that again, did he?
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Old 07-09-2013, 12:27 AM   #4
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

For 6 more months, I lived with my father and his new wife. 6 months to the day, to be precise. 1/14/91 is the day, I had called home. Her daughter and I, ran away from home the night before. And, someone talked to both of us, and I decided, calling home would be the right thing to do.

Called home, 'Dad, I want to come home.' Picked us up, and when we got home. First, got a lecture, that they'd found my diary. His wife, berated me for being a really, really sick person. I'd written about sex, of all things And I was given a couple large, black trash bags to pack up my belongings, my mother was coming to pick me up, and they'd bring the rest of my stuff, at a later date.

My mom and stepfather, picked me up. I would like to say with open arms, but, there was a condition to getting my diary back. For them, I needed to take out the pages where I'd written about my molestation by my stepdad when I was 11.

I couldn't start school, right away, because it was the middle of the school year, and it was exam week. I started about a couple weeks later. Due to the fact that things happened so fast, my parents had to send me to school, in the city, there was no transferring to a local community and no more parochial school.

I remember well, going to my former hs, cleaning out my locker, and the dismay of the administration there. I didn't really get to say good bye to any of my friends.

By the time my father and his wife, brought the rest of my stuff, which wasn't really the rest of my stuff, they kept things, including my bank passbook, where I'd saved several hundreds of dollars of babysitting money. Stepmom, told stepdad, 'Good Luck, you are going to need it with her.' He said, "Excuse me? She's been nothing but a joy and pleasure to have around, she's a good kid, good student and I don't know where you get that from."

By this point, in life, he was really ill. No longer a threat. It's just, wow, I felt at the time, my dad, just did the unthinkable with me, when you stop and think about that.

My dad's family, some stayed in contact with me. And my grandfather read him the riot act. And his family, shunned him, for kicking a child out, over one minor infraction--or major, however you look at it?

Her daughter, on the other hand, got to stay. Although, she did try living with her own father, but that was by choice or maybe at a therapists suggestion? Either way, double standard.

Stepmom, carried on and on and on, over that one little statement by me, that I said to a pregnant woman, whom I didn't realize was pregnant, when asked of myself and her daughter, what we thought of them having a baby. Not that her daughter didn't mirror my comments, but hey! I wasn't her child, was I?

Tomorrow, would be Vegas Day for them.

The story of, not feeling well and needing to cut the family trip short, I've seen as a crock, for many years. Those two, do like to gamble. That would explain the rushing straight over to my grandparents in PA. Blew through the vacation money, didn't you? Yeah, when I said, you two weren't fit parents, I meant it, then, and well....now, too.
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Old 07-14-2013, 08:20 AM   #5
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Default Today is my Day!

I don't know what type of day, to call this one?! Is it really an anniversary date?

Either way, whatever the adjective may be, it's been 23 years.

I've been back, for the past 24 hours to the place where I broke my back. My tailbone, actually.

And, in the past 24 hours, I've literally have spun a metaphorical web, across the city of Boston. There are some detours, but my sense of direction has been quite unlike myself. And, in just taking it all in, here is my feeling on the matter.

When I broke my back, I must have lost my sense of purpose or direction. Looking back, after that back injury, two years later, I had lower back surgery on a polynomial cyst, that had developed, right where that spinal injury was. Could be coincidence or maybe it is not. When I had a spinal tap, a couple years ago, to test my O-bands for lesions, due to my illness, of MS...which is chronic illness of my central nervous system, where symptoms just come and go. I do have lesions there, as well, as my brain. Why else, would I, at 25 years old, develop an illness. Of course, the theories run rampant, but one of the first things, any neurologist will ask, Did you ever have a brain injury? Well, it does stand to reason, the spinal column could cause some type of injury. ((Most MSers, that I have interacted with through the years, tend to be the types of people that do more research on more illnesses than many of other people that I know))

So, there I was with a broken back. In physical pain.

Why would I be directionless? Because, at the same location, that I have been bringing my son to camp this weekend, is bringing back to life, all these reflections. I lost my sense of direction, when no one came, that night to bring me an ounce of medicine and TLC...tender, loving care.

As I drove home this morning. Taking this turn and that turn, all over the city, finally landing on the highway. Even the highway route, didn't look at all familiar. That university is precisely where I started seeing life differently.

A whole trip, across country, with the realization, that I was alone in life, at 15, how can a 15 year old possibly understand that? All alone, with a broken back? Yes, I'd been down the SH route, about 1.5 years prior, and on this day, I'd just about had enough!

That tarantula, as I decided to give sunbathing a shot, in the backyard in 110 degree heat, just for the sake of it. Doesn't the culture there, send their young warriors, out into the desert to find the message they are meant to find? Was the tarantula, my message?!

And, as I bring my son, to this very university, to play the sport that he loves, and I have captured with my camera, the biggest smiles of joy on his face than I have ever captured....

I feel, at ease with my past!!!
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:11 AM   #6
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Default More Reflections on my Day

Back when I was newly confirmed, or was it right before I was confirmed? Either way, I had a reconciliation. I'd brought to my priests attention, that every single time I opened the Bible, I turned to Maccabees. (it's in mine, not in every edition)

He gave to me, Psalm 23 to read.

Well, here is it is, 23 years later, and upon more reflection, and in light of where this tarantula was....

((this is just how my mind works, perhaps one too many sociology courses under my belt? ))

Native American Version of the 23rd Psalm

Oh, and here's the tarantula totem link, too. What else was there, stopping me in St Louis?! These things and more I wonder in life!!! Take it, as you wish. Sometimes, it's how us faithful people take life...

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/tarantula.htm
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:32 AM   #7
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

((((Hm4m))))) I didnt have to read the links to form an opinion. I think, for some people, tragedy befalls us, and it can send us spinning, directionless. To realize you're on your own at 15 is a very big awakening. You're still a child at that age in so many ways, yet, society expects us to begin developing our own independence. Without our parents love, support, and understanding, being made to find our strength in a world that sometimes doesnt show its emotion, or, when it does, it isnt always the supportive kind. We can feel disoriented, abandoned, left in the cold for the wolves to feed on. And there are wolves.

That you survived then, and now, tells me, even with a broken back, you know how to stand.

I like that you're finding spiritual meaning in all of this. Ive had to do somewhat the same with my own experiences. I say 'had', but, my view of it now is, what a journey! Who would think that apparently random experiences would later come back to have such rich meaning. I hope you will stay on your spirit path, that those things from the past that once were so painful, continue to fill your mind and heart with the awesome, sometimes painful, incredible beauty of life. It isnt everyone with the ability to process thier life experience that way. So many have such overwhelming burdens, and I hope your experiences are something others can read about, learn from, and find the little diamonds hidden in thier own paths.
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:05 PM   #8
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Default

Took me a couple days, to remember why the 14th of July brings a few tears to my eyes. But here I am, 24 years later. Guess, it's technically classified as recovery, I'd suppose.

And here I am, in the city, that shaped my recovery process. Such fondness, for here. It has its rough spots, mixed with a lot of roses. Literally, there's a whole lot of rose bushes in this city. Grasped the Nation once, roses being it's symbol.

Innocently, and without intent, my yearbook quote was, 'You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give. Il n'ya pas de rosés sans e'pines.'

Eleanor Roosevelt and there are no roses without thorns. Which I, upon typing recognize the errors of spelling l'à français.

Guess it is true, ponder long and hard about your yearbook quote.

Planning to write here again, PC willing, next year, for my quarter century mark. Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning
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Old 07-13-2015, 10:42 PM   #9
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

I'm early by a little bit, but not by much. Thought I'd have something witty or profound.

Happy 25th to me Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning
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Old 07-14-2015, 01:16 AM   #10
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

I'm not much for words but thanks for sharing your story.
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Old 07-04-2016, 01:05 AM   #11
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

I'm about 10 days early on this, but in trying to fall asleep after an eventful evening, I thought about where I was 26 years ago.
Nashville, TN.
I hadn't seen fireworks in my city of residence and where I moved to, to live with my mom. Where I graduated from high school and returned briefly after college, then again before marriage until 10 months after giving birth to my oldest.
I've been back here for over 2 years and tonight worked out into seeing fireworks here. Which is how I came to recall that I was in Nashville, 26 years ago.

As I move past my 25 years of recovering, I realize, life does seem to kick me straight in the ribcage quite often, but I'm a fighter. I was a kid, then. Does it get better than crouching down in a shower stall in St. Louis? Do birds chirp as the sun rises?

My gmail presented a tumbler email. It's my 3 year anniversary of my cancer scare. It's it good to be alive? You bet'cha!
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Old 07-13-2017, 11:44 PM   #12
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

27 years.

It's been a year, that is for sure. Strange watching my oldest grow and develop and have his own childhood during these ages, early teens, when these were the years for me of deep sadness. They still have yet to notice my scar. My scar was something that I thought to myself, I will have this talk with them, if they ever ask-any of my three.

I wondered when I would get in here to post and say hello. I'm up late this evening. Have a family get together when today actually becomes today.

Happy day of reckoning, to me.

Last edited by healingme4me; 07-13-2017 at 11:50 PM.. Reason: 27 not 26 ...like I wrote..it's been 'a year':\
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Old 07-13-2018, 09:15 PM   #13
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

28 years. On the Eve. (it's 10pm my time and knowing me, tomorrow could bring busyness or lack of inspiration-could go either way or no way at all)

Wasn't sure if I'd be able to find this through the tapatalk app or not. But here I am and here's this thread and what a strange turn of events the past couple of weeks has been in unearthing parts of my past in healing types of ways.

Right before this event, the tarantula. https://www.spirit-animals.com/tarantula/

Patience, says the tarantula.

Do I go the route of external factors? Because I've really reached a point in my life where personal responsibilty plays a role in choices that we make and it would really suck to sit and point fingers and cast irons. At the same time, how do I discount what was going on around me in my not yet matured state of mind? I certainly lacked stability in my external life. A constant uprooting, being a pawn in a game of custody, being a byproduct of another's internal strife.
I felt.....Ignored. There was so much inconsistency. Say one thing, do another. And left alone. Later years abandonment/well middle childhood abandonment. Was I traumatized? I'm going to say, yes, yes I was.
Being a mom of these age ranges, I'm floored. Literally floored. When my oldest asked me at the age of 12, How did I survive my childhood, he meant it.

I'm glad I didn't get further than I did. I'm glad all that sh ended when it did.

Life hasn't been a bed of roses, but I wouldn't choose to not wake up each day counting my blessings. And it's been said of me, that I do wake up as though yesterday was eons away. Capture+_2018-07-12-22-34-08.jpeg
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Old 07-14-2019, 05:51 AM   #14
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

I needed to use a calculator, to be certain of how very long it has been. 29 years ago today. Life isn't perfect but I wouldn't have it the other way, ya know?
I was thinking after such a difficult year with certain aspects of my life, the oddest thing happens when faced with cutting words of rejection from whomever it could be, my wrist gets this sore throb. Nothing like a psychosomatic reminder to hone into mindfulness of the moment, eh? For example, earlier during the past fiscal year, I was tucked away in my office when I overheard the rudest chit chat about me. 'Pftt, I don't know where she got her information, blah blah..." It was regarding the fact that a certain international dish was venizon meat. Granted what she found in an American store was certainly not venizon meat, hence her snotty attitude. So, that's what I mean by my wrist throbs at moments. I wanted to just get away it was utterly demoralizing. That's what was going on in my life 29 years ago when my dad was slowly pushing away due to his new wife. She had nothing kind to say of me back then. And yeah, I quietly overheard biting remarks of rejection.
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Old 07-14-2020, 08:09 PM   #15
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

30 years, are 'ya kidding me?! Here I am, still grinding away at this thing called life.

Had one of "those" pseudo spiritual moments when I signed my name on a dotted line and Boom went the thunder and lightning, as a storm passed through. Similar to when my marriage annulled in the priest's office.
I bought a certified used car. Oh believe me, I was hemming and hawing because an extra bill is an extra bill but my current vehicle had a bleak outlook upon bringing it in with -could you check the brakes please. 🤔😒😳

I really don't dwell on this day of reckoning so much these days. But I do think about the date in a mindful sort of way. Wanting to be cognizant of it because I don't like my moods to strike unexpectedly. The moods where I'm morose and tucked deep inside my soul.
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Old 07-14-2021, 09:06 PM   #16
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Default Re: Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

Leading up to my 23 year Day of Reckoning

I didn't really have anything profound for today. I had a couple moments of being cognizant of that day back in 1990. I was young. I guess you could say life was traumatizing at that stage of my life. Let's be honest, a homelife like that today.... Tsk tsk tsk...

"Hold On, it'll get better"... I've just got to grin because that's my coworkers catch phrase. The universe has a funny way of shining through.

I really thought I'd be too sleepy to post, but I kept having lagging wifi and gosh I went from sleepy to determined. I completely digress.

I did travel to Arizona this spring. Quite enjoyable and soul soothing.

Here's to many more years reflecting upon this.
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