[Aviza]

I was beyond depressed. I was saying my good byes and making a plan to end my life. I even called my brother, to apologize for how I treated him (he was younger than me) and tell him good bye. He called my mom, who was 2 states away at the time, and before I could really pull it all together she was at the door. She took me to the hospital, who nearly refused me because I was so upbeat. But I had to tell them I had a plan as did she and ultimately they took me. I was there for 16 days and on major suicide watch for about a year.

My low was the schizophrenia (hearing and responding to voices), have since been downgraded to schizo affective disorder. At the time I had lost custody of my children, signed away my parental rights to my son who was 11 years old and thought I would never be normal i.e. sane again. I personally couldn't live with being insane.

I couldn't fathom a life beyond what I had already lived and wanted badly to die and prayed to die. I felt as though I was dying when I was losing custody, my heart was breaking, tears came from my soul I was in so much emotional pain. I did not foresee a future of any kind for months I saw nothing beyond the moment I was living.

Side note: When I gave up on my son he ultimately gave up on himself and 3 years later at the age of 14 hung himself, that was 3 years ago. I was in contact with him, irregular visits, weekly letters, the occasional phone call. I carry a lot of guilt signing those papers, I didn't follow my instinct (at the time I heard what I thought was the Holy Spirit tell me not to sign), everyone involved was telling me to sign if his dad signs, which his dad who had a paid by him attorney do. My attorney was court appointed. I have never bawled so hard as I did that day, my soul cried his loss. I knew I put the nail in his coffin by signing and later found out that was true.

Basically I didn't commit suicide because I was afraid I'd survive and be maimed, not dead. I also have a very strong belief system and thought surely God would punish me, instead I feel as though I've been rewarded by not following through. I'm sane after a year of insanity, really back to normal for me, for 6 years now and able to plan and see a brighter future.

Since I couldn't die and didn't die that day, which I remember so vividly because I felt so alone, so kicked down by the world, I lost my fight; even my brother said I had no fight years later, it's just now 7 years later coming back. Instead of putting my focus on how to get out of this, or on ending things, I focus on building and rebuilding a life for myself.

I took time to think about what I wanted to accomplish in life that hadn't been done yet, and I have been working towards those things. Initially it was hard, nothing is easy at first. But after a year of sanity, I went back to college, I finished a degree. I took a job, to see if I could really work and function as a normal person again. Now I want to move out to see if I can manage that as well.

My current phase is building a career. The other missing aspect of my life is a partner, a male counter part, when I started my search for that I was really not emotionally ready and would pull away. Still I struggle in that area now with the opposite feelings, attach too easily to the outcome rather than enjoy the moment. But each day I work on becoming a better me.

Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, we all have our shortcomings and I have finally, actually recently figured out perfection is not the goal. Insteadappreciation is, give thanks for all God has given to you in your life and more blessings will come.

[NoCake]

Thanks for sharing your story Aviza.

[avlady]

my sister committed suicide in 1987 she was16. She was the happiest person in the world and as i'v learned most people who commit suicide seem to be the happiest people in the world.not all but some. I was living in an apartment close to where we lived in our family, but i was not there to see it. She hung herself. I have not been ble to find out much about it as my mother refuses to bring it up, and if anyone does all hell breaks loose. so we just go our ways. I alsways come up with questions i would like to ask, what was going on etc.. but know i will never hear nyything. I have feeling of guilt as i should have been someone she could confide in as everyone know i am that sort of person.even my other sisters and brothers too feel the same way. i come from a family of 11 kids a few others passed away as children when i was a kid.does anyone think there will be a time when we would be able to talk about it.or has had the same experience? please let me know thank you -katie

[avlady]

Aviza, i read your post, it's amazing how you got through all that and I agree it is not perfection but appreciation in God for our gifts we give each other and from him too. I'm happy to see your working on and have found peace with yourself!!!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Aviza

Nothing is perfect, no one is perfect, we all have our shortcomings and I have finally, actually recently figured out perfection is not the goal. Insteadappreciation is, give thanks for all God has given to you in your life and more blessings will come.

23 years next month, and counting, LOVE what you said, here!!!!!

[drgiven]

I appreciate your courage in sharing your story.

[Fuzzybear]

[IhateMe]

Great post and congratulation for overcoming such obstacles. Tomorrow is always a new day and it gets better.....

[weee]

So glad you are better As a Christian who has gone thru depression as well and recovered, my belief in God is stronger and more real. That being said, there are some things I can never understand, like how God says he will not tempt us beyond what we can bear..but what about people who take their lives. Its hard for me to reconcile with that, but having recovered, all I can do is help those people who are in need of help