[Am I crazy?]

Hi,
I have posted before about my son who has depression. This week he seems bad. I let him stay home from school this week as he had a minor head cold. As it is his final year and he didn't seem too sick I made him go to school on Thursday. He was very quiet and didn't want to talk about anything when he came home. He refused a hug, spent the night crying and woke up this morning with a severe headache- probably from the crying. He didn't want to go to school again. I let him stay home but have booked an appointment with the Dr.
I don't know if I did the right thing by keeping him home or making him go to school. Did I make things worse? He has really closed up and won't comminicate at all. It is a balance of me trying not to be too pushy, but also of the worry that he is missing too much school. I am trying to understand this depression, but at times like this it is difficult to know what is going through his head.

Lisa

[justfloating]

hi Lisa, it sounds like you've had a stressful week. I'm sorry things haven't been going well for your son. I hope you're not stressing yourself out by worrying whether or not you made things worse for your son -- I think you're doing an amazing job to be so concerned about and attentive to him. Worrying about him missing too much school is a good thing for sure. Depression strips us of all of our willpower and distorts our views of what's important, so our priorities may shift from graduating from school, studying for exams (I'm in that boat myself right now, and school and depression really don't mix!), getting jobs, or generally taking care of ourselves. Sometimes we need someone else to take the wheel as far as all those important things are concerned so our lives don't spin even further out of control. Still, if something about school is bothering him and he really doesn't want to go, is there some way you could contact the school or his teachers and let them know he's dealing with some problems that may cause absences, and ask that some work be sent home for him to do? It's just a thought, but it might help him not fall as far behind if he's spending a lot of time away from school.

I'm not sure whether you mentioned this in your previous posts or not, but have you told your son that you think he's depressed? Depression is a very lonely disorder to have because it makes us feel different/alone/misunderstood/unable to relate to other's experiences or enjoy things that other people seem to (I remember attending my high school graduation and having to force myself to celebrate, for example, and wondering why I couldn't enjoy myself like everyone else seemed to). Maybe if you indicate to him that you think there's something wrong -- that you think he has a medical problem that can be addressed -- he might feel a little more like sharing his feelings if he knows someone believes it's not just him that's messed up or doing something wrong, if that makes sense. If he still doesn't want to open up to you about it, try not to worry ... I'm incredibly close with my parents but I rarely talk to them about how I'm feeling, either because I don't want to worry them or because I have problems I would be more comfortable discussing with people my own age or with the same illness as me (which is why I love this site )

Another thing I wondered... have you mentioned this site to him at all? It might be nice for him to know that there are a lot of people out there who are in or have been in the same situation as him, and I know we'd all try to support him as best as we can.

Good luck with the doctor's appointment, and good luck with your son. Don't beat yourself up -- there are no right answers sometimes, and you're doing the best you can with an incredibly difficult situation. I know that once he's well again, your son is really going to appreciate all of your caring, concern and understanding.

[Pomegranate]

Hi Lisa

Letting him stay home from school or not, in the big picture, isn't that important I think. The best thing you did was make an appointment with the doctor! I hope you make appointments with his general practioner doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with him, and an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if some kind of medication for depression or anxiety could help him and also make a third appointment to see a therapist, one for kids his age. He may feel more willing to open up to someone other than "mom" and who is a professional and knows how to get him talking. I hope you find out what is wrong with him soon. to both of you.

[tarabug922]

Hi Lisa,

I first want to praise you for being such an attentive mother. Well done to you. I also want to talk to you a bit about depression and the places it leads us to. Below are some warning signs for suicide. I put these here because you mention your sons depression as worsening.
Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
(Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)

Talking or writing about death or suicide.
Withdrawing from family and friends.
Feeling hopeless.
Feeling helpless.
Feeling strong anger or rage.
Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation.
Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
Abusing drugs or alcohol.
Exhibiting a change in personality.
Acting impulsively.
Losing interest in most activities.
Performing poorly at work or in school.
Giving away prized possessions.
Writing a will.
Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
Acting recklessly.

I also work on a suicide hotline and wanted to talk to you about how to approach your son with the ever so difficult question of "are you thinking about killing yourself?" It's a question that you need to ask to get a sense of where he is at. If he says yes, start asking close ended questions like Do you have a plan? When were you thinking of doing this? Have you considered things like who will find your body? or What death by (whatever means) looks like? For example when you overdose you often defecate on yourself and vomit, it doesn't look nice. Ask NO FEELING questions. If your son asnwers no I'm not thinking of suicide then that is when you ask the feeling questions. Start with open ended questions like Tell me about your depression, how does it make you feel? Allow him to express himself and when he does paraphrase back to him what you are hearing. So if he says depression makes me feel lonely and isolated and sad, you would say I hear that you're very lonely and sad, tell me more about that.

If you don't feel comfortable having this conversation with your son you can always give him the number to the local suicide prevention line or the national number

For immediate help call Lifeline’s 24 hour telephone counselling line on 13 11 14

People there will often be able to de-escalate the situation and help the person move through the crisis.

I hope this has helped.

All my love and more,
Tara