No energy for myself, no energy for others, can't really work, don't even want to play really. In fact I'm kind of surprised that I'm posting right now actually...

I've been a little bit depressed lately. Between school stress and a crap load of tension between myself and my step dad I don't even want to go home anymore a lot lately...

So today I decided to go outside for a little while, we live directly across an elementary school with a huge schoolyard and playground that's been open to the public for well....as long as anyone can remember. As I walked over the first thing I noticed was a big sign nailed to a tree, ugly, I thought. As I got closer I could make out the words "playground rules" so I thought hey, probably the same rules as a public pool or something but nope...some very specific rules, one of them being that it's only for kids ages 12 and under. That made me really sad. Like I wanted to cry. It just compounds my stress that I can't even go over and swing on the swings apparently because I'm 17 and still like to swing they'll think I'll start doing nasty things to kids or something... who knows. Apparently when I told my dad he said it had something to do with this recent issue with some gang fight there or something. It figures. So I walked home, went in my room, heard the loud neighbors outside...they probably aren't even that loud...but hearing loud voices like that for me is still upsetting. Then of course my step dad is mad when he is home because something didn't go right and he was talking about it in that frustrated sort of tone and I just...didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to disappear somewhere but the only good hiding place over there is my closet but even then I'd still have to hear all of those loud upsetting voices.

The night got better though, nice things happened...
(this post is long enough and isn't about today in general)

But in the end the happiness doesn't last when I get depressive like this. It seems like every-other-moment I want to SI, of course I don't. But the impulse is still there, the visions are still there

[yutzman]

Unfortunately there will be days like this.......like we want to turn our back on it all Hang in there Kaika..........It seems like our world is obsessed with signs these days (they even wrote a song about it some years back)....I'm also surprised someone hasn't torn it down yet.....just a sign of the times..

[turquoisesea]

I'm sorry about the playground. I love to swing still and I'm 21 so if there was a sign like that ... it would be so upsetting. Maybe you can still go in there, if it was posted to keep kids safe... you're not going to do anything against that. Wish I could give you someplace safe to go to

(((((kaika))))))))))))))))))))))) so sorry you are having a hard time of it.
I know depression comes and goes . Lately been feeling a bit of it myself.
Your not alone dear one.
And just so you know I really like to swing on swings LOL
My house came with a jungle gym thing. I never took it down. I did try to give it away to some ppl who could have used it but it to big to move.
It does have a swing on it and every now and then when I feel bad I go out there and swing on it. I take circle dog with me. I am sure my neighbors laugh.
But you know what who cares.
I hope you feel better
sorry i went on and on
for you

[justfloating]

((((((((kaika))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Kaika ))))))))))))))))

[daggy]

hi Kaika
I would have swung on the swing anyhow just for a bit
let the rebel within out just a little bit more
I love to swing really high then jump off just to see how far I can go without breaking a leg.

Well, went back to show my mom the sign, apparently I misread, and their IS video surveillance anyways. Oh well... still a bummer really but there is nothing I can do. Not many people understand. I figure if they are relatively normal people they wouldn't have to understand the concept of a safe place. BUT, my mom showed me a way to another playground a couple of blocks away. It takes longer to get there, but at least the swings are nicer and it's a lot smaller and less crowded. My mom watched me swing and said I looked like such a little kid the way I was happily swinging. I asked her if I could pass for 12 to go on the other one...she said no. I asked her if having the mind of a 12 year old counts...and it doesn't. BUT I like this new playground a lot...maybe more.

So yay I can swing again!

Im surprised I wasn't more depressed today now that one of my best friend's moved away...but it went by so fast I guess I didn't have time to notice....

[turquoisesea]

I'm glad you found a playground =D

[daggy]

Kaika
good to hear your swinging away happily again .... and the extra walk will be healthy for you