[Nabil]

Ok everyone
so heres my story.

Before moving to a new school in 6th grade= I was happy and confident,proud of myself.
After moving to a new school=I was bullied,something I had never experienced before.I used to cry a lot.But it wasnt depression cuz I had control of my head.
Later,I changed my section. There,I was not bullied but rather accepted.
Few months later,looking back at my ' bullied ' days,I started laughing.I said to myself " I used to cry over that?Whoa that was me?I should have just enjoyed it,should not have been sensitive and dont think what they all think of me ".
It was then I realized,I had become more stronger.
I have no idea how this VOICE just spoke inside me " IT-SIMPLY-DOES-NOT-MATTER-WHAT-THEY-SAY/DO-TO-U ".

So years went on,whenever someone taunted me,I either ignored or laughed.I was oh so happy....until..

In the end of 9th grade,some boys sitting at back of the glass,said MY NAME out loud when the teacher asked ' WHO SMOKES IN THIS CLASS '. I just laughed cuz I knew it was just my innocence theyre making fun of and I dont smoke anyways.
So I was ' enjoying ' this when the teacher asked ' OK NOW WHO IS GOING TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION '.
The same boys said my name outloud.
Suddenly,it hit me,that this is no longer a game.They r actually making fun of me?I started thinking what they were thinking of me. It was then I realized-I-HAD-LOST-THAT-VOICE. Do they think Im dumb?Im not good enough?or plain looser?I took it so personally and deeply.
For the next year,I was desperatley searching for answers of what had happened to me.ITS LIKE I NEVER REALLY KNEW MY SELF and was starting all over.

Funny,how 1 small incident could ruin it all.
At time when I was in 6,I told my parents I was being bullied.
Now in class 9,age,15,I could not even tell anyone.I was too embarrassed.

So it wasnt until a year later-I found out that I AM JUST LOST IN MY SELF AND I SHOULD STOP THINKING WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME.

Ever since,then I have been training myself and have become stronger than before but I dont know WHY I STILL GET VERY SENSITIVE TO SMALL ISSUES and it takes me back to my 9th grade PAST and I find myself solving the whole problem ALL OVER AGAIN in my head
Then,I start to imagine OH WHAT IF SOMEONE SAYS THIS TO ME?OR INSULTS ME IN PUBLIC?I start to prepare myself for that even though NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TO ME-for the past 1.5 year!
I am now in college,no one bullied me,I am socially acceptable but these thoughts come back again,I still imagine 'WHAT IF' bad things happen again and stuff like that.
Oh by the way,I almost forgot,maybe this also played a huge role in my life.
In grade 11th,I was nominated for ELECTIONS. I was so happy but this BUNCH of unknown people Just came upto me and started making fun of me.I was like,no no,Im gonna cry. WHY???WHY ME?I dont even know these people.They dont know me so why r they bullying me?
I was stuck again....

So u see now i also imagine what if someone from public just humiliates me like that . What will I do then?This gets me into a vicious cycle of depression.Even though my faith in dont think wat others think of me has gotten stronger but eventually it breaks-down and I have to fix it.

How do I get THAT VOICE back?I just want my faith back!
Ive identified the problem,of what had went wrong in grade 9,but I just cant solve it completley. Negative thoughts keep on developing and I just have to solve them on my own.

At times,I feel like I AM FREE!I have solved it completly!But then again someone says something to me,it takes me back to 11th grade,9th grade horror that i had faced,and phase of uncontrolled negative thoughts/depression starts all over.

I feel like Im this close to just break free but some weird obstacle is blocking my path.

I hope I find someone with similar issues.
That would make me so much hopeful.

In short: I just want to think normally like I used to. I dont want me and my mind to be different persons.I JUST WANT TO BE THE LOVING-MY-SELF ME AGAIN!

[Miracle1986]

[leacon]

For many of us the teenage years were hell on earth especially if any self doubt existed before. Some of this could ease as you age, but having someone like a therapist could help you deal with this.