[Knitnut]

...I go to a psychotherapy appointment and say that I am going to give up all my advocacy activities…and I have many, from being a support group leader to my most recent application for a vacated patient representative seat on a major disease org board of directions.

My reasons for wanting to abandon this life I have lead for the past 10 years, and I know this feeling is not just about the past 10 years, it is about more than that and I know this. My reasons may not be good ones, but I just don't feel I have the emotional energy to continue with them or anything else in life. But, at the same time I feel guilty for just thinking about quitting. It means quitting life too, as I don't feel the emotional strength to continue with life either. I don't mean with suicide, but "just dig a hole and crawl in" and "lock me up and throw away the key."

And each time I begin this conversation with my therapist, I perceive, and know I will get the same response from my therapist as the last time I started this conversation. We will discuss the whys of my thoughts and I will be reminded that we have talked this through in the past and what is causing me to bring it up yet again.

I KNOW we have talked about it before, so, why can't I leave the idea alone?

Part of my desire is because I just want to hibernate and never come out again. I want to become invisible to the world; a non-entity. I am told this is not a good idea.

Why not? Life has not dealt me ‘good cards’ and no matter how much I shuffle them, they still fall out the same way. I know it means a lifetime of loneliness, but I have already lived that life for 24 years! I have already been abandoned by the majority of my family; my sisters, my in-laws!

Of course ‘abandon’ can be a bit subjective, depending on the point of view with person using the word.

I try “self-talk” but it doesn’t help much. I try to look at my strengths, weaknesses, accomplishments and failures, but I don’t see them as others see them. I was awarded a national advocacy award in February 2009, but sitting here today I still don’t see what I did to warrant the award. My "self-talk" just amplifies low feelings of self worth.

Heck, I have never felt worthy of my life. Through my psychotherapy I have tried to find my ‘worth,’ but it just doesn’t come to me. I still harbor the wish, “just lock me away and throw away the key.” I feel that this is what I deserve, and it is what I want.

I look at my grandchildren and hope for happy futures for them as their futures are not in my hands.

If my children, my family and my friends knew who the real me was, they would be appalled and surprised. As a child my sisters and I worked very hard daily to hide our true feelings. As an adult I have always continued to do so.

So, why can't I see myself as others see me?
Why do I feel so defeated, useless and unworthy?
Why am I so unsuccessful with my 'self-talk'?
How much mental health medication will it take for me to see a happy outcome may be in my future?

[idontknow13]

(((((bigcasper)))))

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( bigcasper ))))))))))))))))

Depression lies to us and tells us we are not worthy and all kinds of other untruths, I am sending you some hugs