[justfloating]

A big one. One with flashing lights and huge letters that reads "CAUTION: FEELING LOUSY -- KEEP AWAY!!!!" I could hold it up every time the depression hits me out of the blue, so that people would know why I bite their heads off if they so much as come near me, and to suggest that coming near me at all is JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Tonight I am angry. My depression seems to make me angry more than sad lately, and I'm not sure if that has to do with meds or lack of therapy or general life stress. I don't really care. I'm feeling ... petulant. I want to scream and stomp my foot and throw a tantrum like a three year-old. My counsellor was always careful to make me think about whether what I was feeling was "legitimate emotion" or the effects of my depression ("sometimes you're not depressed, you really ARE sad, and it's healthy to acknowledge that") and I can say with absolute certainty that this is the depression. Which just makes me feel even worse, because I have no actual REASON to feel this bad. Tonight I got an email from my boss asking me to work in the model suite (I work at a resort that sells vacation villas) rather than the booth in town to answer questions/direct people to the model suite. The job is almost the same except one is indoors while the other is outdoors, and I'm by myself at the booth while I'm usually interrupted by/have to eat lunch with my boss at the model suite (she's nice, but a very overwhelming person to be around for extended periods of time, and by the time I'm done having a conversation with her I'm usually exhausted and thoroughly confused). I'm a quiet, introverted person by nature and she's loud, rough around the edges, can be a little coarse, and makes me nervous sometimes for the simple fact that she IS my boss and I always feel like I'm going to screw up while she's watching. My job isn't stressful but I can't relax either, not knowing that at any minute my boss is going to come in and start TALKING and I'll have to put on my social face and pretend to be engaged in whatever it is she's saying. I know how terrible that sounds but I have a really hard time turning my sociability on and off, so going from spending hours all by myself to being ambushed by the most talkative person on the planet throws me for a loop. I actually prefer to be in the booth where I can sit and read/write and talk to the occasional passer-by, but don't really have to step outside my own head for more than a minute at a time. In the model suite I also spend a good deal of time reading/writing (it's not like 100 people come through every day) but I also kill some time doing light cleaning or other chores around the resort. I honestly don't CARE one way or the other where I am. I prefer the booth but only fractionally, and it makes no real difference to me one way or another where I work because it's the same number of hours and the same pay and more or less the same kind of work and the two workplaces are less than 5 minutes apart.

My problem is that I'm not a very adaptable person. I get a plan in my head of my day and start planning out the things I'm going to do. For instance, I have picked out a new book to read in anticipation of working in the booth. It's not a huge thing, I just like to have a general outline, and tend to make plans accordingly. Also, at some point I was going to grab a coffee in town which means I won't have to brew any at home -- there is no coffee maker I can use at the resort and nowhere I can go to buy some, so I'll have to make my own. Dressing is going to be a little more difficult because I have to make sure I'm wearing something professional enough for the model suite, but okay to get dirty if I end up doing some yard work if it's slow. It's just little things like that, irritants that somehow turn into full-blown rages that I end up taking out on the family and friends close to me. I hate being this way. I hate that the slightest alteration in my schedule darkens my mood so much, that I can't just go with the flow, that such little things can bother me SO MUCH. What am I, a child? I'm more mature than this. So why do I want to fling myself on the floor and cry?

I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

I used to collect buttons.

Saying like 'I took my prozac today'
'I do what the voices in my head say'

They were really great

Maybe for fun you could collect some

[Amazonmom]

One of the signs that I am getting really depressed is when a disruption to my routine makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

I'm sorry I miss interputed....

I was trying to cheer you up - when that's not what you mean't

I know I'm coming into a depression first thing if I just don't want to get up.

When I don't want to get dressed

Being Bipolar I really don't get signs it just comes on

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by justfloating

A big one. One with flashing lights and huge letters that reads "CAUTION: FEELING LOUSY -- KEEP AWAY!!!!" I could hold it up every time the depression hits me out of the blue, so that people would know why I bite their heads off if they so much as come near me, and to suggest that coming near me at all is JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.

I hear you. Today my sign at work would have read, "WHAT PART OF I'M TIRED AND NEED TO CONCENTRATE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" And yet, even with a sign, some would still not get the hint.

Hope you're doing okay right now.

[marvin_pa]

Originally Posted by justfloating

My job isn't stressful but I can't relax either, not knowing that at any minute my boss is going to come in and start TALKING and I'll have to put on my social face and pretend to be engaged in whatever it is she's saying. I know how terrible that sounds but I have a really hard time turning my sociability on and off, so going from spending hours all by myself to being ambushed by the most talkative person on the planet throws me for a loop.

Oh my, I can identify with this! There's few things than turn on the stress tap faster than suddenly getting ambushed & having find and engage the social gears. Most folks have no idea of the sheer effort that goes into this (and in avoiding the immediate desire to scream "GO AWAY!"). My coworkers are good, though & have learned that it's generally best to leave me be when I've got headphones on - I don't even always have music playing, but it's a sign that I don't want my concentration disturbed without good reason. It doesn't sound like you'd be able to use that trick - all I can suggest is to take a deep breath before engaging gears & maybe find some escape routes when you need to exit the conversation (I've faked receiving cellphone calls, or remembered that I need to call a customer back to extract myself in the past)...

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))))))))

[*freak*]

Originally Posted by justfloating

A big one. One with flashing lights and huge letters that reads "CAUTION: FEELING LOUSY -- KEEP AWAY!!!!" I could hold it up every time the depression hits me out of the blue, so that people would know why I bite their heads off if they so much as come near me, and to suggest that coming near me at all is JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.

That makes two of us
Hope you feel better now

[Rohag]

Thinking of you, and wishing you solitude without loneliness...

[idontknow13]

(((((((justfloating))))))

[scotlandskye]

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