How can you understand the problem when you dont even understand yourself?

Its been a while since I've been here, and I was honestly hoping (No offence to PC at all) that i wouldn't have to again.

Im not sure what to do right now, so much is on my mind its preventing me from sleeping, its a problem i have, i just cant forget the bad and move on with the good.

Over the past while ive realized that me and my friends dont have as much in common anymore than we used to, and its sad because right now theres nobody for me to hang out with. I have tried looking for others like me, but im beginning to lose all hope in my search, because there isnt anyone. Its all high school BS too, they drink at parties and get "wasted" or they do such and such drugs, or whatever. Im not like that, and thats the problem, because i think im losing control on what i believed i was, or what i ever will be.

I could just ramble on and on about my garbage. Its just saddening that disbelief and fear is over-running my life, and im tired of it, im tired of trying to become something im not, and im afraid of what i might become if i let this continue.

Why not talk to someone? Because its something ive never done, and again, its the disbelief that anyone would be able to help me, because all they can do is show me the cliff that could save it all, but its up to me to take the jump.

Thank you for your time, I do appreciate your love and concern, but typing this out really helps me think, and its nice to see some feedback from all of you, even if i dont know who you are, and when you dont even know who I am, and this is why i come here to express my inner thoughts.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I was like that too... Just didn't see the point of getting wasted every other night calling it "fun".

I don't have any advice here, because I did nothing about it and just kept going on with my life in complete loneliness. (I strongly suggest you try something else )

Keep posting here if it helps, there's always someone who will listen
Here are some hugs

What follows is me talking to myself while reading your post. It's not advice; it's just food for thought.

Good question. Personal Opinion: When it comes to something as complex and mysterious as human beings, even the best of us can only dimly appreciate what's up. How much more so when we're trying to understand ourselves. Nevertheless, I believe it is possible, through careful observation and counsel, to gain practical and useful insights.

OK, this is an identifiable problem. Lack of sleep can be a life-wrecker. Here one needs to deal with both the immediate symptom and the underlying causes as best one can. You need and must get sleep. Without proper rest, your ability to make sound judgments and to deal with problems is impaired. Of all the stuff you mentioned, my personal advice is to give this priority.

Loneliness is painful at any age. Based on what you wrote, it seems your current lack of close friends comes from natural developments and even from a healthy bit of self-knowledge and self-respect on your part. It's hard not to "follow the crowd." In your case, you conclude - rightly I think - deep down you're not like the people you've been accustomed to following. But this is the dilemma: to go with them would be to deny who you are, yet to go your own way, even if it's a better, more self-authentic way, means walking alone for a time. Even if what you're doing is better, that doesn't mean it's any less frightening or painful.

Ouch. Fear I can appreciate somewhat (although I don't for a second pretend to understand what your personal experience of fear is), but I don't understand what you mean by "disbelief."

This is the overarching, long-term issue, yes? Were I standing at those crossroads, I would seek the honest advice of several "agents," including those who knew me best.

Peace and Joy to you.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now.

I'm finding myself in the same boat as you a lot of the time. I'm not a heavy drinker (I don't believe in drinking for the sake of getting drunk, plus it's dangerous for me to drink too much with the meds I'm on) or partier and I have never and will never do drugs. If other people want to, that's their right, but I cannot compromise who I am for the sake of fitting in. ---- SO much easier said than done when you're not being faced with your loneliness and confusion, isn't it?

My friends and I have started taking different paths since we all went off to university. Somehow, I thought we'd all be the same and when we came home at Christmas and over the summer we'd get along just as we always had. But the thing is, as you get older, you start discovering who you are and what you want -- not all of it, or life would be too easy! -- but you do figure out just enough, even if you can't lay your finger on WHY you feel that way, to know what is comfortable for YOU. I have friends who became huge partiers, I have friends who binge drink, I have friends who have experimented with drugs ... they are not and probably never will be as close to me as they were before. But I've discovered that after the mourning for these friendships ends, moving on from them and finding your own way through the world isn't so bad after all. It can be scary to branch off on your own and I know how terribly lonely it is as well, but it's completely healthy to feel that you're no longer comfortable being around people whose actions or behaviour simply aren't your style. Try not to beat yourself up for it, because I think what you're doing is completely healthy and very brave -- some people go their whole lives without letting themselves have a single independent thought from the group.

As to talking to someone, I urge you to give it a go. It's scary at first, but I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can tell you -- myself included -- that therapy ended up saving their lives. I know it doesn't seem like it but there ARE people out there who care about YOU, about your mental and emotional health, about what you're going through and about where you want to go ... and they have the means and skills to help you do just that. Even if you can't get to a therapist right now, or if you're still to scared to go, why not call or email your local hotline? There are professionals there who might be able to give you a few words of comfort and advice, and you are under no obligation to communicate with them more than once if you don't like it. You may also find that talking feels really, really good.

Good luck. I hope that you can get some of this stuff sorted out soon. I'm glad you posted here. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Give yourself the best gift you can, be true to yourself and stick to your values. High School was a really crappy time for me - for many people. Once you're out "in the real world" things will look and feel a lot different. High school is rather claustrophobic and filled with lots of immaturity. Get through it the best way you can, keep your focus on classes and studying and soon you'll be moving on.... You'll find a place you fit in if you don't give up and keep looking, keep being yourself.