[depressedalaskan]

before depression and after depression
I have 2 children 14 and 18 - I am scared to talk to them
I had a garden - now it is weeds
I had many live plants in my home - now they are all dead
I had pets - had to give them away as I could not take care of them
I had 2 thriving businesses - had to get rid of them could not cope
I had many friends - now I have pulled away from them
I had dreams - now I have nightmares
I had hobbies - now I have none
I had energy - now I have a hard time getting out of bed
I had perfect teeth - now I have let them go to crap
I had memory - now I can't remember if I have taken my medication or not
I was happy - now I can't crack a smile
I was out going - now I am stuck in my home
I was always helpful - now I am the one that needs help
I was energetic - now I am tired
I was always healthy - now I always feel sick
I could work - now I am worthless
I could do 100 things in one day - now I can't focus on one thing
I could decide what to do - now I can't decide if I want to get up or not
I could talk on the phone - now I am scared to
I could be in a crowded place - now I have to leave if there is a crowd
I could take care of myself and others - now I can't take care of me

and much more has changed. So sad this depression of mine.

[idontknow13]

depressedalaskan

I am so sorry depression has robbed you of all those things, I hope you feel better soon, you are such a great person

[Rohag]

Odd what can bring a tear to the eye of an emotionally empty person. But I'm confused and self-suspicious. Is my tear for you, for me, or for all?

I won't even try to guess.

Alaskan!

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

I was always helpful - now I am the one that needs help

Yes Alaskan , that pretty much sums it up for me too,
except for a few changes here and there.
It's like two different people but you are still you .
It is horrible as we all know . The only thing I don't
agree with , is you not being helpful . That one is not you.
Wishing you better days ahead

sorry if that came out wrong , alot of it is not you , its depression telling us that.

[Knitnut]

alaskan, you knew I could not leave this one alone...LOL
Oh yes, and I have love the moose!

I have 2 children 14 and 18 - I am scared to talk to them

I can understand why you might not want to talk to them, but could it also be that they are wondering what is up with Mom. Do you think it is of value to them to talk to them?

I had a garden - now it is weeds

Gardens can be regrown. Don't give up. There will be a new Spring in 2010 and surely your want to be around for a new planting season...and maybe a new perspective on life at the same time, a new Spring for yourself.

I had many live plants in my home - now they are all dead

Houseplants can be regrown and/or re-bought. Think Spring again.

I had pets - had to give them away as I could not take care of them

I took in a 15 yr old cat in 2007. He is now 17 yrs. He drives me crazy wanting from me what I don't want to give sometimes...sometimes I get jealous...I need a hug too, darn it all. But I do hug him and pet him at least once a day. It is nice to be needed, even if it is a "fur-ball" that sheds and sleeps up against my back each night.

I had 2 thriving businesses - had to get rid of them could not cope

I am so sorry you had to shut these parts of your life. Maybe they can be revived one day when you are well.

I had many friends - now I have pulled away from them

Don't be surprised, they may still be out there waiting for you and wondering what has become of you. Of course, I know that 100% of them may not be, but even if there is just one waiting for you...one is all we need!!

I had dreams - now I have nightmares

I can appreciate this completely. I gave up on dreams decades ago. Good or bad, I did. Please don't give up completely on your dreams. There is more to life than nightmares. I know this to be true. I have lived many nightmares over my many decades. At 60, I am just now learning to live life as it should be lived. I have class for an hour each week, and my self-imposed 'homework' is never easy.

I had hobbies - now I have none

I am sorry you gave up on your hobbies. That is something I refused to give up, although compulsive shopping has cost me dearly sometimes (my worst was last year with I spent $235 on a single stitching project.) It is the only pleasure I have had to look forward to in my life. Rain or Shine...it doesn't talk back and I still have this one pleasure in my life. It isn't a hug from another human being, but it is there.

Do what you can to get back into your hobby...you may be glad you did. Try not to look at it as a chore, but as one distraction you have that you can use to 'take you away' from the things that cause you sadness.

I had energy - now I have a hard time getting out of bed

Believe me when I say that I know all too well how hard it can be. But, self-talk is important. I have done this many times and will probably do it many more times, I put one hand on the left arm of the chair and one on the right arm of the chair and push myself into a standing position. Then I put one foot in front of the other. It is all you can do some days, but as Nike says, "Just do it!"

I had perfect teeth - now I have let them go to crap

Got this one too. You are not alone. Next week on Wednesday I see the dentist so she can tell me how many thousands of dollars my neglect is going to cost me. Then I have to go figure out how to find the money...yikes!!

I had memory - now I can't remember if I have taken my medication or not

Yep, somedays I look at my pill box, which contains my neuor meds and my mental health meds, as well as my medical meds...scary, yep...and I am not sure what I took. I now use a labled pill box...two of them...Sunday through Saturday. One is for neuro meds. The other is for all the other meds.

I was happy - now I can't crack a smile

You can crack a smile, I promise. And gladly, your face will not crack, even when you are abosolutely positive it will. This will sound nutty, but in the past few weeks, for the first time that I can remember, I actually find myself laughing out loud over things I hear on TV. This is a new feeling for me, and a sign my therapy is working...yea!! It also scares me and I hear myself in my head saying, you aren't suppose to laugh.
smile.jpg

I was out going - now I am stuck in my home

I have one friend and she would be mortified if she could read these comments, but she drives me nuts (no pun intended!) We can sit in a restaurant for an hour and I speak not a single word for listening to her. She is committed to being my friend and is the sole reason I see a movie once a month and get out of the house. There have been times when I see her name on my caller ID and groan out loud, but I answer anyway and listen and listen.

So, begs the question, are you stuck at home by choice? is being stuck at home and excuse? Why are you "stuck at home?"

I was always helpful - now I am the one that needs help

You can be someones help again!! Back to the armchair...

I was energetic - now I am tired

Depression robs us of our energy. It seems that it takes all our energy to just get through a single day...am I right? But, back to the armchair...

I was always healthy - now I always feel sick

I bet you are still healthy, you just don't feel healthy because depression has robbed you of good feelings.

I could work - now I am worthless

You are NOT worthless. None of us is worthless!! I bet your children would not agree with you either. There is unconditional love behind those teenager facades.

I could do 100 things in one day - now I can't focus on one thing

Have you tried...really tried? I know is feel impossible! Maybe try your hobby for one day.

I could decide what to do - now I can't decide if I want to get up or not

I go back to the armchair...

I could talk on the phone - now I am scared to

I spent most of my working years afraid to listen to my voice mail at work...and I mean petrified. I had no choice but to listen, but it was scary each and every day. Now I am very glad that caller ID is in existence.

I could be in a crowded place - now I have to leave if there is a crowd

This was the topic of my therapy session yesterday. I am challenged to go to church (universalist) and see what is there. I would prefer to continue to stay home, but I am trying to step outside of what my head is telling me (my fears) and do what my heart tells me is best for ME.

I have spent years now describing myself as the wallflower that prefers to be away from the crowd and it is true. I discovered in therapy this week that I find ways of 'hiding' from the crowd around me. I find duties that allow me to not interact. Help in the kitchen. Help with cleaning up. Help with putting things on tables. If there is a perceived task, I am there to volunteer to help out, just to keep me from having a conversation with anyone!

I could take care of myself and others - now I can't take care of me

But you can take care of yourself!! I guarantee it!!

I have come to realize that all my trouble with living has come from fear and smallness within me. ~~Angela L. Wozniak

smile-2.jpg so don't force me to do this!! He He He!

[Fuzzybear]

Alaskan