[starrina]

Its been awhile and I would like to be able to say
and things have improved by alas this is not the case
in fact I think they are worse now but in all honesty
I just cant find a reason to care anymore

Once I dreamed of being a mum I wanted to be a wife and a mother so bad you know what they say be careful what you wish for
I still love being a mum but I definatly do not want to be anyones wife
anymore........

before I met my partner I spent my time child minding I knew
a lot of the techniques that worked and those that did not
hah what a load of cods wallop what works for one does not work for the other and that is so true,I got two kids a 16yr old and an 18yr old
yea yea not kids anymore but they will always be mine.

I raised them both the same they got in trouble for the same things etc etc you know so why oh why are they so different in the way they treat me my daughter (16) she yells and screams and oh so much more
my son he puts his head phones on so he does not have to listen to her carry on.

So because of all this with her and because of my partner to I left the family home a month or so ago daughter only has rung twice both times to demand money, son and I talk on msn almost every night that is until his GF comes on then its bye mum,well we talked about stuff with daughter and he said you know mum the bigger person will make the first move (hint hint ) so I rang her to say hello she picks up the phone and says " what do you want" I said I just rang to see how you are say hello she says "what do you want" so thinking the phone must be playing up I repeated myself only to be told "why I know how you feel about me" and she hung up so this old mum spent the afternoon crying and trying to work out
what the point is of anything still have no answer about that one
Is it not my right to say NO I will not come over there for a few days to look after things because I know she will be there is 16yrs not enough
and to top it they will go through the bills again and tell me I do not give a rats *** about them when its not true but they are his bills his credit cards not mine I already pay for his car every fortnight what more is it that they want from me I JUST DON'T GET IT sorry for yelling but I am so confused and hurt and angry and frustrated and and and.

Sorry I think I need to stop before I work myself up again.

Thanks for taking the time of reading this ramble and rant

[Rohag]

Hello, Starrina! I'm going to try to resist the temptation to ask when aliens abducted your daughter and replaced her with a cyborg. But I admit the theory crossed my mind reading your post. Actually, that teenager-alien-abduction theory could explain the dynamics of many families...

Such a heartache – I'm sorry your “being the bigger person” earned you an afternoon of tears.

Has your daughter always exhibited these attitudes, or can you put a rough date on when she became her present self? I'm glad you can talk to your son. Many might describe him as the abnormal teenager for that very fact.

I hope several of the many (?) here at PC who really grasp parent-teenager interactions will notice and reply to you.

[starrina]

Sadly my daughter was born with this attitude I can tell you many a story of her ******e toward me I swear she is jehyl and hyde

[Berries]

Sorry Starrina, no words of advice but lots of empathy and caring.

[idontknow13]

(((((Starrina)))))
I went through hell with one of my daughters when she was a teenager but now that she is 24 we get along fine and have a caring and loving relationship.
I hope this gives you hope for the future, I know how hard it can be

[Knitnut]

starrina,

I am so sorry your children are being so difficult for you. Sounds like they both have some anger over something in the past. Can you get "in touch" with why they are so angry?

As parents we do the best that we can. We use a combination of what we read and what other tell us, in combination with what we were taught by our parents as children ourselves. As we all know, there is no How To Be A Parent Manual that is handed out in the delivery room when our children are born. So, I am quite sure you raised them with what how-to-be-a-parent information you had. That is all anyone can expect from us!

Let me tell you about my son. I hope it will help you. My son is now 35 yrs old. When he was 9/10 yrs he became angry and violent. Eventually I had to place him outside my home so that I could sustain my sanity and protect my two daughters.

By the time he turned 18 he was yelling a me over the phone, telling his life was what it was because of me, it was all my fault. No, it was not all my fault. It was time for him to take responsibility for his life, my job was done as a mother.

He spent the next 10 years or so continually blaming me for his life...and demand money from me. Out of fear I gave him money, even though I knew it was a bad idea. His life was a mess for this and that reason. It wasn't until he was about 29 yrs that he began to see that he needed to take responsibility for his life...learning to control his temper and his anger, his bills, his food, his apartment, gas in her car and stop having cars repossessed (taken back by the bank that lent him the money to buy the car.)

I guess what I am telling you is to let them go...and stop paying for your son's car every two weeks. His life is his responsibility. It is no longer your job to pick him up every time he yollers at you for whatever.

As to your daughter. Your partner is correct, someone has to take the first step to build communication that has been lost. You have done this and I hope that regardless of the negativity of what you receive from you daughter at the other end of the phone you will continue to call her. Don't break that line of communication.

It may take years, as it has with my son, for her to come around, but as she grows and matures she may "see the light" and come to realize how much you care about her, love her and see that you have not abandoned her even when she was so angry at you. Even when she was so unkind to you.

Try not to make sense of it all with her on the phone, just say what you have been saying, maybe add "I love you" to the end of the short conversation, even if she resists your saying so. Unconditional love a parent can have for a child can be very healing. But only cry after you hang up then phone. Allow her to perceive that you are strong. Cry until the hurt is gone after you hang up the phone.

Today, after all I have been through with my son, I am the only safe person he has in his life and he knows this and I know this. Most of our family "abandoned" him long ago because of his behavior, but I NEVER abandoned him...never! He is my son and will always be my son.

Try not to take her response to you personally. She is angry about something and at 16 you may think that she understands her anger, but I doubt that she actually does. She is not matured enough to understand the core of her issues.

I don't see how you can have a relationship with her when she is so angry. You would need to understand what the underlying reason is for her anger. It is not unusual for children to take there anger out on a parent, a mother in particular. Even if the child is angry at the parent, we parents are the safety net for our children. So in a way they feel safe blaming us for things that may be wrong in their lives. Easier to blame someone else than to look in the mirror and take to take personal responsibility...even, or especially, at 16 yrs.

If you asked you daughter to go into counseling, would she go? It would be good for her to have a neutral person to talk too.