[justfloating]

A couple of things ...

First of all, I volunteered for a Befriending project in my area, where you befriend local seniors and sit and chat with them, that sort of thing. I did it because it always makes me feel good to help others, I have always adored being around seniors -- they always have the best stories!! -- and because I'm hoping volunteering my time to something special like this will not only boost my self-esteem but will give me something to do other than worry about school. I was contacted by the lady who runs it and she wants to meet with me on Monday. I was SUPER excited about this but now I'm really, really nervous for some reason. I don't even know what I'm nervous about, exactly, since I've been wanting to do this for a long time. Maybe I'm afraid I'll be a disappointment to them somehow, or that for some reason I'm not going to like it. I can't see why, it's exactly my kind of project, I'm just letting my thoughts run in directions they shouldn't, I guess.

Second, today I did a presentation for French ... and it completely bombed. It was AWFUL. I stayed up until 4 o'clock this morning working on it. I don't get nervous making presentations, so it wasn't nerves that messed me up. I'm not sure what it was, but all of a sudden I just lost my train of thought and couldn't remember what I'd already said and my carefully crafted notes made no sense and when class was over I just BOLTED out of there as fast as I possibly could. It was humiliating. The worst part is, I'm not going to get a do-over. That presentation is basically 50% of my oral mark in French and there I was stuttering and mumbling and forgetting even the simplest words like a total idiot. Normally I speak French pretty well, I've been doing it for sixteen years, so I have no idea how my brain managed to just switch off like that. And then, as I was walking back from class, of course all the words I SHOULD have said came flowing back. The entire presentation as I'd rehearsed it was right there in my head and it just made things worse because I KNOW I could have done better and I made a complete idiot of myself instead. I'm really angry and disappointed with myself. I can't believe I screwed up like that!!!

I'm going to make an appointment to go back to see my counsellor. I haven't been to see her yet this school year. I didn't think I needed to because I was feeling all right. I still am generally feeling okay, in terms of symptoms of depression. I'm eating, sleeping, exercising, getting my work done and for the most part feeling pretty good. But something feels off, too. I've put off going to see my counsellor in part because I have no idea what to say to her. I can't pinpoint how I'm feeling at all. On the surface, I feel fine, but it's like there's something nagging at me and I don't know what. My relationship with my family is better than it's ever been; this is the first year of university I haven't spent the majority of my time worrying about a particular relationship that was pretty much the last straw in terms of my falling into a depression -- it feels like such a weight off my chest. But I still feel like now that I've come out the other side, I have no idea where to go. During the worst of my depression my life consisted solely of weathering the storm -- some days even breathing felt like a huge effort -- and now that the storm has passed I guess I'm starting to see which parts of my life have survived and which parts are now just debris. My best friend has been after me to go see my counsellor for weeks -- I think she can tell when I'm lost before I can, a lot of the time. It's not that I think going back is any kind of failure or form of personal weakness -- I think it requires a huge amount of strength to ask for help. I just don't know how to ask for help when I'm not entirely sure what the problem is. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm not really sure what I'm getting at ...

[nowheretorun]

"If you're going through hell -- keep going."
- Winston Churchill

what a great quote!

everything is unfolding exactly as it should..... (Desiderata)

try not to pressure yourself too much, accept that you are a student, in more ways than one right now and probably will be all of your life... let yourself feel the goodness of the accomplishments you have made and accept and allow yourself to learn... take it easy on you, this can be fun!

if at first you dont succed, try and try again.. (author unknown)

when learning to ride ponies and you fall off, the best thing to do is get right back on and ride again... after you remove the burrs from your behind (the pony appreciates that too )

[Lboogieg]

Very interesting...and inspirational as well! On some level I can see what you're saying; things seem to be going well and the storm seems to be over, yet something is still nagging. I like how you said, "now that I've come out the other side, I have no idea where to go." That makes a lot of sense to me!

You probably just need time to map out this (possibly) unfamiliar area. It'll all come to you sooner than you think, probably when you least expect it. Wishing you all the well in the world! Keep feeling good.

[googley]

((((((Justfloating))))))))

I have had times where I have felt better and then not known what to do with myself. It was as if the skills that I had before I got depressed had atrophied and I had to practice them again. Just like if you don't exercise for a while, you can't return directly to the same level of workout that you would have been at. I'm sure that the interview for the position will go well. Just remember to take deep breaths and not talk to fast (always my problem when I get nervous). I think you'll be great and I'm sure they will see that also.

As for the French presentation is there any way you can talk to your professor about it? Even if to just find out your grade? If it ends up being worse than you planned on, you may be able to work with him on a way to make sure that you do really well for the rest of the semester. If not, remember that it is just one grad in one class. While it is at the front of your mind right now, it is not the end of the world. In ten years no one is going to remember what grade you got in French class.

I think it is a great idea that you are connecting with your counselor again. She can help you exercise those muscles that became atrophied during your depression. It can be scary to get back out there.

Remember all of us here care about you and want the best for you.

[Pomegranate]

((((((Rebecca)))))) I'm sorry to hear about your french fiasco. But maybe that is a good reason to go see your counselor and a good thing to start talking about. Sometimes when I'm feeling like you are - confused - I just need to start talking and what ever is hidden inside eventually works it's way out.

I felt weird after getting over my first major depressive episode. I felt like some basic part of me had changed, or was missing. But eventually as I waded back into my every day life, things started feeling more normal. It took a while though. And for me, I've had several more major depressive episodes over the years. I've learned to just pick up and go on, some relationships or other things in my life do not make it through my mental health episodes, some do. I've learned to accept me as I am and not beat myself up about stuff.

I hope you will listen to your best friend and go see your counselor. It certainly could not hurt anything, right? Take of care of yourself.

[lonegael]

(((((((Justfloating)))))) it seems that seeing the counselor again is a good idea. I can really relate to the FF: Did that once in German, dreadfully embarrassing.

[turquoisesea]

just a little thing I noticed. I think last year or last semester *not sure which* you said the same thing - that you hadn't had an appointment with the counselor because you felt so good. Maybe you shouldn't base your appointments on how you feel, it seems right now you really benefit from these meetings. If you're feeling well, it's not a HUGE time commitment and maybe it'll keep you up for longer too

Just an observation - I guess it seems like sometimes once you feel well you stop doing some of the stuff that's helping you feel good, which allows you to dip down deeper when it comes back

sending hugs