[sdl1986]

No amount of therapy, no medication, no conversation or anything else could ever stop me from thinking about how meaningless this all is. I can't really feel great about things when I know whatever it is that elicits the slightest bit of happiness within me will someday be long gone and as good as a dream I had last night. Memories aren't enough. I just can't enjoy the human experience for what it is. Some would tell me to live in the moment, but that does me no good when I'm living in the miserable moments that follow my fleeting happiness.

I obsess over the idea that someday, even if I ever find someone to love, that she'll be dead and I'll be alone, even sadder than before. Just losing a meaningless relationship or sexual partner is enough to send me into a deep depression. I can't imagine how I'm going to feel when life catches up to me in my old days and I'm truly all alone, except now febrile and without any hope of a better future.

There's something sad about not being able to enjoy my youth. These are things I should save for when I truly am old, but I just know how quickly life and experiences move, and I truly believe I'll never be able to lose this knowledge.

I'm also being told I have personality disorders and ADD and all sorts of things, which is overwhelming me even further. If today is the day I can change, are you telling me the last 23 years were just a trial run? How many great things have happened in the last century? Not many. People obsess over the same celebrities, the same movies, the same albums, and the same bands. It makes time seem so insubstantial, when you see people discussing events that happened decades ago as if they were just recent memories. I know this is the collective experience of humanity, but for some reason I feel I'm one of the few who's been doomed to cope with this for nearly his entire life. I've been this way so long. It's unhealthy. I can't enjoy my youth, and it's starting to go away day by day...

[theotterone]

It's hard to enjoy your youth when you are depressed. I should know, I struggled with it since puberty, was diagnosed Clinical Depressed w/ Anxiety Disorder at 16. When I recall any childhood memories, it could have been the sunniest day on record, but I "remember" it dark. The depression was so deep, the pain so intense, the unworthyness so endless.

I only say this to show I have been through it. I CAN say that there is hope and joy. The hard thing about anti-depressants and young people is the human brain does not finish maturing until the mid 20s. This can make anti-depressants react differently then in a 30 something adult. Keep at it, keep working with professionals. I KNOW it's hard, but I can tell you coming out the other side is worth it!

You have support here, and those of us who will walk with you.

[sdl1986]

Originally Posted by theotterone

It's hard to enjoy your youth when you are depressed. I should know, I struggled with it since puberty, was diagnosed Clinical Depressed w/ Anxiety Disorder at 16. When I recall any childhood memories, it could have been the sunniest day on record, but I "remember" it dark. The depression was so deep, the pain so intense, the unworthyness so endless.

I only say this to show I have been through it. I CAN say that there is hope and joy. The hard thing about anti-depressants and young people is the human brain does not finish maturing until the mid 20s. This can make anti-depressants react differently then in a 30 something adult. Keep at it, keep working with professionals. I KNOW it's hard, but I can tell you coming out the other side is worth it!

You have support here, and those of us who will walk with you.

I just don't know how I'll ever overcome the feeling of detachment that's dominated my life for the last few years. I discovered today that my therapist believes I am a candidate for borderline personality disorder. The psychiatrist I saw, who has me on a small dose of Wellbutrin, interpreted it as ADD.

Everything I do to try to get better just confuses me. I'm pretty heartbroken if the borderline thing is true, but I believe it. I don't know how I ended up this way. I just want to cope with the true challenges of life, not my inner demons.

I feel as though I'm part of a really drawn out movie that's being fast forwarded. None of my moments last, yet I have an incredible memory of things that transpired. Maybe that's how everyone else is... I don't know. I did some things this year that I thought would leave an impression on me, but they didn't. I'm left empty handed and more miserable than ever. I am so bad to the people who care for me, and I have no friends. I'm so fed up.

I have no faith in this therapy/psychiatry thing. Everyone thinks my problem is something else. If you don't know what's wrong with me, how can you treat me correctly? All I know is that I shut off when presented with opposition. I become an emotionless demon, with the ability to manipulate and make others fear I'm on the verge of suicide. When that part of me shuts off, I go back to being deeply emotional, with deep feelings of guilt toward the people I do this to. But it keeps happening, and I keep being forgiven. Earlier this year, I was with a girl with her own problems, and it took so little to anger me. I became extremely verbally abusive--sometimes for hours. I'd just follow her from room to room assaulting her with hideous insults. But I'd always end up feeling guilty, even when I felt no emotion during the act. I don't want to act this way. I just want to be kind to people and be able to enjoy my life. I just want to level out for once in my life. I have good moments every once in a while, but things start closing in. Before I know it, I become transfixed by the idea that I'm going to be alone and depressed until I'm dead. I can't bear to think that if I lose something I want, I'll go back to feeling the way I do today. I'm so dependent on the idea that I need another person to keep me happy, yet when I have it, it exacerbates my agony.

[Yoda]

The way you are now is not how you will be in ten years or thirty or fifty years. Your life will change. It will get better and it will get worse at different times most likely. At least that has been my experience. When I was in my twenties I w@s depressed, h@d no friends, didn't know wh@t I w@nted in life or how to get there. I got m@rried to @ m@n I didn't love & I w@s p@ssive @ggressive.

F@st forw@rd to thirty ye@rs l@ter & I h@ve h@d some good times & some b@d times & I know I will h@ve both good & b@d in my future. But with the right meds for me I @m less often depressed & I fin@lly found the right ther@pist for me. Ther@pists @re not @ll equ@l. Keep looking.

The point of life? I don't know.

Wh@t I try is to do something for @t le@st fifteen minutes every d@y th@t I enjoy. Listening to some music or being with @ pet or w@tching @ TV show I like...

[ECHOES]

You might be amazed at how much good therapy helps with perceptions and the need (hidden to us) to obsess.

Meaning only comes from within. What feels meaningful to you is what is meaningful. Before you assign meaning to something, it is just there.
Living in the moment and having the mind free of worry is just what psychodynamic psychotherapy can accomplish. It is very relieving to have another person to help sort out the things that cause worry so life can feel so much better.

[sdl1986]

My other problem is that my parents are very "involved" in my personal life. They're always trying to get me to spend time with them and do things instead of letting me try and fail. This has been going on all my life, and I've gotten to the point where I'm extremely lazy, but also resentful of all the assistance and attention they give me. I don't particularly enjoy their individual personalities, so we clash often.

I am having difficulty finding the motivation within myself to actually improve my life, as I recently returned home to parents who are constantly monitoring what I'm doing when I'm home and eager to spend time with me. For instance, I feel I should be looking for a job right now, but my mom kept begging me to go out to lunch with her. Now my dad is joining us. These sorts of things start making me very angry and resentful when I feel they're blocking my ability to say no. I say no, yet the plan goes into action. If I leave and bail out, this will be used against me. I just can't comprehend why they aren't more interested in me getting a life than they are in me spending time with them. They tell me they want me to be self sufficient, yet they never show it.

I made a thread earlier about my relationship with my parents. Somehow, I was able to make it to a psychiatrist. I am on 150 MG of Wellbutrin XL, but this is supposed to treat "ADHD," which I genuinely don't believe I have. I believe that borderline comes much closer to describing my personality type. It makes sense when I look back through my life--the moves to different cities at crucial times of my life, the overwhelming criticism/attention from my parents, bullying and a generally poor self image.

My one big dream is to have the ability to detach myself from my parents. My sister had no problem doing this, but since I'm the youngest and I also seem to have a bunch of problems, it feels like my parents want to keep me here and "fix" my problems. The problem is that they're making them that much worse. And even if they aren't, that's how I perceive it. Isn't life all perception, even if it's a flawed one? They're doing me no favors keeping me around as their buddy instead of encouraging me to move on. I don't want to be their buddy. When my mood swings, this just makes me hate them and want to never see them again. I can't help it. The medication seems to be alleviating the fatigue that's kept me from going on, but now I just feel like environmental factors are suppressing me. It's just a mental game at this point...

[lonegael]

A lot of parents are afraid to let a teen thatis hurting tkae the blow for themselves. My folks were the same way, and I can say that i understand them, but also was incredibly frustrated with them and the way they chose to show their concern. What made it even worse was that my depression left me seeing everything they did through very critical glasses.
Hope you're able to get some room to start working on your own problems and get some peace.

[lynn09]

Hi (((sdl1986))) - Honestly, a good T can really help you see things from different perspectives when you are more or less locked into one. I have just one little thing to say about meds - make certain that you report in detail how your are feeling to your doctor - I for one tend to experience just about every side-effect there is to just about every medication there is. So, it's very important that your doctor knows everything you are experiencing just in case your meds may be actually making things worse instead of better. As for your folks, most really do seem to "focus" on the youngest in the litter - want to "fix" you - want to do things to make you feel better - unfortunately, they ususally choose things that THEY enjoy and expect you to derive the same enjoyment as they do. Instead of just going along with them then trying to deal with the resentment you feel inside, you need to take some positive steps to cut the umbilical cord. Perhaps a joint session with your parents and your doctor or T would help them understand your situation and feelings better so they aren't so resentful when you don't want to follow their game plan. Please keep posting and we'll support you as best we can.

[Yoda]

Your post @bout your p@rents reminds me so much of my dysfunction@l mother & sisters. I w@s ten ye@rs older th@n my sisters & left home for college h@ppy to go. Then my mom w@s m@rried & h@ppily r@ising my sisters. But something h@ppened when my stepd@d died. I w@s 20. My d@d w@s only 56 & my mom w@s in her 40's. I knew she me@nt to r@ise my sisters right but I think she w@s/is sc@red to let them le@ve bec@use she is sc@red to be @lone. @t first it w@s odd but uncle@r. For ex@mple my sister went to college for four ye@rs & every single weekend she c@me home to be with mom. Never ever st@yed to soci@lize with students.

Now my mother is 75 y/o & both my sisters still live with her. It's good from the point th@t their combined income @llows them @ nice house but my sisters @re in their e@rly 40's & neither h@s ever h@d @ boyfriend & few friends of @ny type. Never even been kissed. How s@d. One sister f@nt@sizes of being "found" somehow by mr right who will rescue her & give her the f@nt@sy life she w@nts. I suggested she work @t the medic@l libr@ry bec@use her degree is in libr@ry science & s@ys she w@nts to m@rry @ doctor so I told her she could meet one there but she is too @fr@id.

My mom & sisters @re codependent. One sister drives. The "f@nt@sy" sister w@nts to drive & took priv@te cl@sses but yet my bossy sister never @llows her to drive the vehicle ever. I would go on but you get the ide@.

I didn't begin to re@lize how much my mom needed my sisters until she w@s c@ring for my son & I h@d him drinking him from @ cup & h@d stopped using @ bottle & I le@rned my mother w@s giving him @ bottle bec@use @s she s@id, she w@nts to keep him little. She not only doesn't w@nt my son to grow up into @n @dult but she needs my sisters to be dependent on her & not grow up.

Perh@ps your p@rents @re different th@n my mother in their thinking but it reminded me of her. I will miss my son when he fin@lly le@ves home but I w@nt him to h@ve his own life. My mother c@nnot s@y th@t.