[justfloating]

I am sinking. I can feel it and it's scaring me. I hate this part, where I'm teetering on the edge. I'm still functional, but I know I'm headed for a crash. Sometimes I can prevent it, other times I just have to wait it out. But while I sit on the edge, I flap my arms in an urgent attempt to maintain my balance, not to have to fall at all. So I'm making a list of things that make me feel better, while I can still remember them, because if I do fall into my depression again I know from experience that half the battle is trying to remember what makes me feel good in the first place. Hopefully it helps.

Here is my New Year's resolution (and I'm posting it here because if I actually tell people about it, it puts a little pressure on me to actually follow through): I have decided that I am going to start some Depression Intervention. I'm going to type up my list of things that make me feel better and stick it up on my wall in my bedroom, so that it's always handy. I'm going to put inspirational quotes on my wall as well, maybe close to my bed, so reading them can give me the motivation I need to actually get up. I've decided to make a personal rule of keeping easy-to-make food on hand all the time, like an emergency depression kit, because if I don't eat, I feel worse, but if I have to put any effort into making a meal, most days I will simply let myself starve. This is neither healthy nor effective in battling the depression and I need to cut that out! I'm going to start putting my alarm clock on the opposite end of my bedroom so that I actually have to get out of bed to shut it off. And the scariest of all ... I think I'm going to go through my journals, my blog and my posts here at PC to show to my counsellor. I have had a hard time communicating my moods to her lately and it's been really frustrating because I feel like my progress has ground to a halt, since if I can't explain how I'm feeling, she won't know how to help. For my birthday my mom gave me a really pretty hardcover notebook, and I haven't put anything in it yet ... I think I'm going to make it my designated depression notebook, so that I can jot down things I want to do, or where my mood is at, or things I want to remember to tell my counsellor. I do keep notes like that on a regular basis, but they are all over the place and most of the time I forget to bring them to my sessions anyway. If I'm going to manage my depression, I have to start MANAGING it.

There. Now that I've said it, and now that I'm posting it, I'm going to do my best to accomplish all those things. I'm going to make this real. I need to get my act together. I need to develop some kind of system, some defence tactics for when I feel the lowness coming on, like right now.

Wish me luck!

[Slinki65]

You have already taken such a brave step! I wish you nothing but success, but always remember, even if you can't do all of the things you've set out to accomplish, that's okay! Even if you do just one, that is huge. Good luck, and keep us posted! Hugs!

[Tumnus]

I'm encouraged by your motivation. Sounds like you 're listening to your Churchill quote.

Good for you, Rebecca.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by justfloating

...I'm making a list of things that make me feel better, while I can still remember them, because if I do fall into my depression again I know from experience that half the battle is trying to remember what makes me feel good in the first place.

A key insight; if there's a chance of rain, carry an umbrella.

[theave]

Good luck JF - I hope it will help you to stay well, or to get the right help if you know things are heading downhill. Take care

[Berries]

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))
I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!!

[vox1]

Rebecca, thank you for the inspiration & for being brave enough to post this. I like your outlook....Depression Intervention. When I'm depressed I find I can't make decisions. Something as simple as deciding what to eat seems overwhelming. So I don't eat (to avoid making a decision). Then I spiral even lower. You're right about the "emergency depression kit" of food to keep on hand. My new year's resolution is to eat a healthier diet. I found a great website (sparkpeople.com). It's not just for weight-loss but teaches a healthy lifestyle. And it's FREE! (just don't fall for the pop-up ads). The best part is you can print a weekly grocery list. I filled my pantry with canned fruits (no sugar added) & canned vegetables (no salt added), since I waste a lot of fresh food. I think your idea of a designated depression notebook is great. I also have notes all over the place & it's time for me to get organized.
Thank you so much for the inspiration,
Ellen

[Tamale]

I love this idea of being proactive, justfloating, and I especially relate to the food thing. It's so hard to overcome feeling of depression or anxiety when you're in the middle of an episode and a lot of times I think preventative measures can really help.
I agree with Slinki65 that even if you don't do everything, even accomplishing one thing is great! Sometimes big lists of things to do scare me, but a "one thing at a time", "one day at a time" is all we can do.
Sounds like your urgent flapping on the edge may have a little more hope and purpose.
((((((justfloating)))))
and Happy New Year's all!

[lonegael]

Go beat the living %&/( out of Mr. Depression, Just floating. Whooeee!!!!!!!!

[Berries]

I realize it's only the 6th of January, but how's the plan going so far?

You have inspired me. I'm going to work on a list of what to do when my intrusive thoughts start to be overwhelming and affect my mood in a very negative way. I'm going to work on it today with my T.
Thank you! It's a great idea!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))
Thinking of you

[idontknow13]

(((((JustFloating)))))
I am encouraging you to follow that path, we can win this battle...slowly but surely...Keep posting to let us know how it is going....

[stefano]

I really wish you the best of luck! How brave!
By all means let us know how it goes and allow us to encourage you when it will be hard to follow up.
Luck! Luck! Luck!

[googley]

(((((JustFloating))))))

That list is impressive. It is wonderful that you are thinking ahead of time to make plans about what to do. That is so important.

[justfloating]

Thanks for all your support, all. (((((((everyone))))))))

Berries, it's coming along. The last couple of days have been pretty crazy trying to get back into the UK (the weather has been awful so everything has pretty much ground to a halt transport-wise) but I'm back in Scotland now and have officially tacked my list up on the wall. I'm glad you're making your own list!!

I know I've only been back one day and I still have four exams to study for (which will probably stress me out and have an impact on my mood), but right now, I'm feeling pretty good about this. I'm going to take extra care with my diet and my sleep over the exam period, and then once exams are over I'm thinking about joining one of the workout classes at the gym to help fight off the winter blahs. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist my GP referred me to in a few days, and I'm going to go through some of my old journal entries to see if there's anything I can show him to explain my depression better than I can verbalize. I'm very good with words, it seems, as long as they're not coming out of my mouth. Hopefully this doctor can give me a bit more help in stabilizing my moods. All in all, I'm feeling optimistic.

[idontknow13]

That is again great news, you have managed to stay positive through your travelling and coming back to school! Keep it up (((((Justfloating))))
Good luck with your exams and take good care of yourself!
I should also start working out, this keeps coming back in different posts, I just have to get the courage to do something about it, especially that I am planning a trip in the South...Here I can cover it all up!

[lonegael]

Good going, JF! Let us know how it goes over exams and all, but if something else is more improtant, feel free to play hooky from us! Huggs

[msolson81]

It's a good idea to have a "tool box" for depression. Reading all these posts reminds me that I do have lots of tools to help me so that I don't end up back at square one. I just need to pull them out and use them!! Thanks for starting this thread justfloating and good luck to you on your journey

[jooker]

You've reached the 3 day mark! how's it going so far Justfloating?

[justfloating]

Day 3 ...

I made a new playlist of songs for my mp3 player today. They all have a good beat, not a single one is associated with any painful past experiences, most of them are empowering you-go-girl songs, and they have REALLY kept my mood up while I've begun the process of studying for exams. Never underestimate the healing powers of a few good tunes!

I have also done my groceries. I now have everything I need for easy meals like soup and toast and cereal, as well as some ingredients for more complicated meals if I'm feeling up to it. I also bought a big container of hot chocolate and some coffee and tomorrow morning when I get up I'm going to make myself a cafe mocha like I get when I'm out and about. It's going to be the treat that tempts me out of bed.

Today my parents called. They call me every Sunday, but I wasn't expecting it today because I only left home on Friday and I honestly didn't remember what day it was. I was honestly a little annoyed that I had to go through the phone call only two days after leaving home. I love my parents but their phone calls can be stressful experiences for me. My dad is a very cerebral person so you have to talk to him about things with "meaning", like the literary theories I'm studying or world news or plans for grad school. He also has a terrible memory, so we wind up having the same conversations over and over because he can't remember what he's already talked to me about. My mom generally balances things out by telling me about what's going on at home and what my siblings and grandparents have been up to, but as I only saw her two days ago she didn't really have any news for me. They both mostly spent the time asking me how studying for my exams was going. I hadn't started yet but I lied and said I had because I can't stand the nagging. If there is one thing my parents do well (and a LOT), it's nag!!! After two weeks spent at Christmas absolutely surrounded by people non-stop (which was good over the holidays but started to wear on me at the end) I really just need some alone time. It's not isolating so much because I don't feel like I'm hiding, it's just that I'm naturally an introvert and need my alone time to stay sane. I come from a large family, and when I'm at home alone time can be very hard to come by. I already know that after graduation I won't be moving back in with my parents. It's not that we get along better far apart, it's that I FEEL better when I have my space, and after years of suppressing my emotions for the sake of everyone else, I'm finally starting to learn that I have to take care of myself and do what's best for ME. Luckily when they called, I'd just finished my new playlist of music, so I took a long walk while I listened to it and managed to wash most of the stressed feelings away. I'm starting to think that it's best to intervene as soon as possible with these feelings, rather than letting them fester. The longer they sit inside me, the more toxic they become. I know that seems kind of obvious, but a good part of the reason I'm depressed in the first place is that I let a lot of bad feelings fester for years, and it's taken a lot of counselling for me to be able to recognize and deal with my emotions, so I'm proud of today's realization.

Thanks for all your support, all. It's really helping me keep a positive mind set. I don't know where I'd be without you all!!!

[Tamale]

"...after years of suppressing my emotions for the sake of everyone else, I'm finally starting to learn that I have to take care of myself and do what's best for ME."

This is something I'm also coming to grips with--how to say 'no' when I don't want to/can't do something. This whole post is very encouraging and I can really relate to how you feel with the parents. Sometimes I feel like I'm on trial on the phone with them.

[jooker]

Way to go JustFloating! You are really rockin'. Your energy, enthusiasm and insight are an inspiration.

I have been going through a low time myself. Your emergency planning is so sensible, because once in the throes of "lowness" something as simple as eating can become too much.

My spirituality helps me to endure but it doesn't hurt to add some practical steps to get up out of the muck.

Your posts are putting a little wind under my wings and making me at least think about some possible emergency tools I can put into place too.

Keep forging ahead, and if you find you need a resting time or if your foot should slip, we're all here to give you a soft place to land. But then it's right back up that pony again!

You Go Girl!

[paddym22]

Justfloating

I have just come out of yet another horrendous depression and wished to god that I had come across your thread three months ago and maybe life wouldnt have been so intolerable. Its amazing that I keep letting myself take part in my viscous circle of mood swings but your thoughts, methods and tools have lifted me to a great place today. I am going to spend sometime now today making an emergency plan and an intervention list and involve all those near and dear to me to show them how they can help me when I am stuck in that rotten isolation and inability to communicate how I truly feel. Thank you sincerely for helping me and I wish you every luck with your own intervention plans too, your will power is inspiring.

All the best

Paddy