Im very tired right now, sleepy, and im also angry thinking about stuff. And then hearing my parents fighting again, not to mention my father arguing with my brother on the phone, its enough to triggered something outta me. I was thinking the whole day, why my ex-girlfriend didn't reply my last email a day after we broke up about a week ago, why she still can type "hahahaha" a few mins after we broke up on skype, she even on chat with her mom during us breaking up, is she feel upset, i dont think she is, she said "i still love you.. even if it faded a little". Im angry thinking about myself, nothing i can do right, i can say that im lucky enough to have parents who can support my needs, but me on my own i am poor both financially & mentally, i feel like i just want to move out from this home, i wanna start a real life, hard-life out there, but where do i begin since im a person who cant do anything right (there i said it again). Im angry thinking about my dreams & obsessions, i always wanted to be a professional musician, music perhaps is my only passion, but i realized that not everybody born to be a musician, i am one of them, i've tried for years playing music recorded demos do gigs & everything, but no luck, i play suck too, and of course its very hard for a loner person like me to find friends to start a new band everytime. Im also angry at myself because i've been very disappointing to everybody, to my family, to my bestfriend, to my ex-girlfriend, and all people that i know (if there is any), am i too hard on myself, am i too blaming myself, am i too perfectionist, or am i just stupid, the results still the same, i failed, i have failed them all.

My father came in to my room today, he's whining about the fight with my mother & the argue with my brother, and he started to giving me speech (again) about me need to do something to make some money rather than sleeping & listening to music all day, he said that he's old now why cant the whole family just listen to him for once, he do his job as a father in this family so well, all for the family, he said if he die someday he would not regret the things that he have accomplished, and then he told me that the most important thing is how we can work for a living, he said (again for the numerous time) dont just playing in a band but you have no income, and i was in a very bad mood at the time, i suddenly cut his little speech and said "Would you stop saying that, im not playing music nor in a band anymore!!". I feel really bad the next few seconds, still feel bad right now, i shouldn't said that, im paying attention as he lower his voice after i said that, he leave my room less than 5 minutes afterwards.

I can see my father just wanted to talk with me cause nobody else he can talk to in this house at that point, he's upset about what happened today and he actually just got back from out of town doing some work for 3 days, no wonder. See, this is what i mean when i said "I've been very disappointing...". I cant be there for them when they need me, perhaps i am there, but my mind's not, i have too many things already inside my head, stupid ignorance things. God, if there is a God, why am i like this?

[Berries]

(((((((((((perfectsilence)))))))))))

I am short on words. So I'll send hugs. I care and am sorry you are struggling so much.

[posborne]

Your life seems ovewhelming right now, but it will get better. talk to yourself about making your life better, dont wait for anyone else to do it. I am sending good thoughts to you. know that even though i don't know you I am sending love to you. I am a father who has worked hard to ovecome my own depression in the midst of the depression around me. Keep hope. I know that's hard, but write back if you need to
posborne

[Naturefreak]

(((Perfectsilence)))