[justfloating]

I came to the realization a long time ago that things in my life need to change. I need to change. I can get all the medication and therapy in the world but in the end, nobody can do this for me. Nobody can make my life what I want it to be except for me. I came to that realization before I was diagnosed with depression. It's something I tell myself just about every day, and berate myself for not having the courage to do something about it. I don't take risks. I take the safe way out of everything. I've done some pretty cool things in my life, but they weren't as hard as some of the simple things I could never bring myself to do. Getting into university? No problem. Studying in another country? Sure, why not. Standing up for myself? No way. Going out on a limb? Scary as heck. Having faith in my own abilities? I'd rather not.

If you've read any of my other posts you might have come across me mentioning a book by Gwyneth Lewis called "Sunbathing In The Rain." I mention it a lot because it's fantastic. Anyway, her theory is that depression can teach us something. Depression is our mind's way of clearing everything else away so that we can discover and focus on the fundamental changes we have to make. I've figured out what those changes are. I've also undergone extensive drug and therapeutic treatments. The depression has let up enough to let me function, but I've realized that it wasn't the depression that was stopping me from living. I have been doing that all on my own, because I am terrified of doing the things I have to in order to have the life I want, in order to be happy. Now that the drugs and therapy have kicked in, it's up to me to pick up the pieces and put my life back together the way I want it to be, the way it NEEDS to be in order for me to be happy.

They're such little things, too, which is what I'm most ashamed of. Things that do not phase other people have led to such suffering for me. I'm painfully shy. I let others walk all over me. I look for love from others because I'm unable to love myself. I don't try new things and I hate change because the unknown scares me. The familiar is comforting. I'd rather have familiar pain than face the unknown. At least I know what the pain is. At least I know how to live with it. If something else happens, if part of my life changes, if I don't know what to expect or how to react, I feel paralysed. I need to learn to adapt, be assertive, be more confident and outgoing. Those are my fundamental changes, and I just wanted to put this promise in writing in the hopes that if I write it down, it will be more real to me. If other people see it, know what it is, then maybe it will solidify for me and I'll have the courage to do what needs doing in order to make my life better. Because I can't continue living this half-life. I want to be happy, so why shouldn't I do everything in my power to make that happen? Maybe it'll take a long time and maybe it'll be really hard, but I promise I'm going to try, because I don't want to go back to being as miserable as I've been in the past. I don't want to keep taking one step forward, two steps back. I want to make my life into something I can be proud of, and I want to become someone I actually like. Starting now, I'm not going to accept fear as an excuse not to act. After all, I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((((((((rebecca))))))))))))))))))))

this is an amazing post. I wish I were at that spot, it gives me hope for both you and for myself as well.

I wish you luck in this, don't give up on it

[idontknow13]

(((((Justfloating)))))
I know you can do anything you set your mind to. Go for it Rebecca, one day at a time...Go go go

[lonegael]

((((Just floating))) Be right behind you all the way, dear. If it scares you too much, remember we are all here and we are cheering you on!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))))

[Pomegranate]

((((((Just Floating))))) what you wrote is very inspiring and I hope you are able to reach all your goals. And I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, I want to be helpful. So might I suggest that a place to start would be trying to like yourself right now, just as you are? Once that REALLY happens for you, then you can go on to trying to change yourself.

[Berries]

(((((((((((JUSTFLOATING)))))))))))