[RomanSunburn]

Hey everyone,
I don't normally post here, but I figured I'd give it a shot... For several years I was fighting depression and anxiety. It started in high school, and followed me to college. I took a year off from school and I transferred to a university closer to home. I still struggled. I have seen several different therapists and Pdocs. I have been on several different kinds of medication in the past five years. Last spring, I decided I had had enough of the medications and got off of them. That was probably the best decision I ever made, cause I (almost instantaneously) began to feel better. The anxiety was there, but I could manage it. The depression was slowly lifting -- I was motivated, I was trying in school, I was getting good grades and finally becoming the person I had been trying to become for the past 5+ years. I thought I had made it through, and that now I could be successful and put all of that behind me.

Recently, though.. Things haven't been going so well. Even though I had been feeling better, I kept seeing a T. I was seeing someone on campus last semester, but decided to go off campus this year because on campus is supposed to only be temporary. I've only seen her twice so far, so we're still getting to know each other and everything. But here's my problem... I can see the depression coming back in. Slowly at first, but now more quickly. I've begun to call my boyfriend in the middle of the night crying, just so I'm not alone and to have him tell me things that he loves about me just to remind myself that someone thinks I'm worthwhile and not a failure. But.. I can't get a hold of myself. I see myself slipping, I'm ticking off the boxes on the check list of signs for depression. And I just don't know what to do. Of course I'm going to talk to T, but I'm still not sure what she can do if she barely knows me. I really don't want to go back on medications. I'm just so frustrated. I was doing so well, and then I got the flu, got behind on my work, got overwhelmed, and now I'm struggling to get out of bed, simply because I'm so depressed over how much I have to do.

Anyways, I just needed to vent to someone... I'm sorry this started to get long, I just... I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, other than my poor boyfriend, and I dont want to keep dragging him down... My parents are supportive, but I dont want to worry them, and I certainly don't want to call them in the middle of the night, because they'd overreact.

Has anyone ever successfully beaten off depression before it really had a chance to begin? How'd you do it? How can I help myself stay in control? I've made lists and goals and everything, and I'm still struggling to get everything done, which just makes me feel more like a failure. It's as if everything I"m screwing up now is slowly destroying my chance at a future, my chance to get a real job some day.

Bah, I really need to stop typing. Sorry this got out of hand, but like I said, I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening everyone.

Hugs to all of you,
Ro

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Does your therapist know about everything you have told us? Do you think you would benefit if the therapy sessions were scheduled closer together?

Good luck!

[RomanSunburn]

Thanks, TheByzantine, for taking the time to actually respond. I really appreciate it.

I had two appointments with my T this week. I dont know how to determine whether or not a session is productive. You would think I would know after being in therapy for 5+ years...

I told her everything I could, but a lot of the times I was just near tears and saying "I don't know, I just don't know!" I'm not sure I could schedule appointments closer together. This week was kind of a fluke.

I have three more days of classes to get through before Thanksgiving break. My boyfriend is leaving on Sunday to go see family several states away. He has been helpful this week, though I'm not sure he feels like he has -- I missed so many classes and was so depressed and picked so many fights with him.... I'm really scared for next week. T is on vacation and my boyfriend won't be there to help me...

But yeah.. Thanks for responding, it really meant a lot to see that at least someone cares a little....

As for me and others, I can say 'that when were on the 'right' medication we feel good.
So we think I don't need that medicine anymore.
We stop all the medication
Maybe try going herbal. I even made my own capsels

It didn't take too long for the condition to come back.

Then I had to go through all the medication changes until the cocktail was correct.

Still I have to make changes, add new med, subract, less/more dosage

I've tried many times to get off the medicines was even embarrassed if anyone found out I was on them...

Anyway here i am - on Medication.... and life.......just ... whatever it does

[Rohag]

Hello, RomanSunburn!

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

Has anyone ever successfully beaten off depression before it really had a chance to begin?

Sorry, I don't make the cut here. In hindsight, depression attacked in concert with other problems and slowly overwhelmed me.

Sometimes I muse about what I could have done differently to at least mitigate the effects of the depression. Paradoxically, I feel if I had become more debilitated sooner, if I hadn't tried so hard to keep on functioning, maybe a doctor or pdoc would have recognized the seriousness of my case earlier and taken steps, steps that would have necessitated a massive change in my life's course but ones that might have yielded a better outcome. I don't know.

I can't change the past. I can recognize that some of the values and urges of "normal" society did me a disservice as a depressive.

[SweetandTrue]

Dear RomanSunburn, your situation sounds so similar to my own! I've also been dealing with depression and anxiety since high school. I am now a Senior in college but I had to take a medical leave of absence between my Junior and Senior years because I was so sick. I was in denial and it got to a point were I just couldn't ignore it anymore. So I took my year off and did the whole therapy plus medication thing until I started to do better and then I stopped. Now I'm back at school and I thought I was doing fine but while I'm not at my worst, I have had spent many nights feeling horrible. You know, that feeling of worthlessness, of what the F*** is the point? Of I have nobody. I feel like I'm going to have to start seeing a therapist again but the ones in my school are also meant to be temporary and they actually haven't helped me that much in the past. And I can't really afford to get someone off campus...This is so frustrating, I hate the thought of having to go back on meds again...Anyway, I've been blogging about stuff since I don't really have anyone to talk to. Anyone's welcome to check it out if they'd like: alittledoseofme.blogspot.com