[justfloating]

I feel flat. Even on Christmas Day I couldn't really get into the spirit. I'm in Florida now -- my family and I come down for a week every winter, which I have always looked forward to because it's essentially the only sunshine I see between the months of November and February, and because it's just so far away from EVERYTHING that I get to turn off my life and just BE for a week.

But this year I just can't get into "holiday mode." I'm grumpy, on edge ... I can't enjoy my family's company even though I haven't seen them in over three months. I saw a few of my friends back home, which was nice, but it's never enough time and I never get to see everyone. I feel so pressured when I come home for Christmas because everybody wants me to make time for them and no matter how much I'd like to, I just can't fit them all in. It leaves me feeling guilty, anxious and depressed. Plus, om The other thing is that the way my school year is set up, I haven't taken my first semester exams yet. It's so stupid -- we have first semester, then Christmas break for two weeks, then exams, then we have another two-week "inter-semester" break. First of all, it's expensive and a HUGE pain to keep travelling between Scotland and Canada like that. Second, i never really get to enjoy my holidays because I still have exams to worry about. I thought it would be a good idea NOT to bring home my textbooks because i figured that way i would have to force myself to relax, but instead all I'm doing is stressing about how unprepared I am. On top of that, I've been seeing friends and relatives pretty much nonstop and they all ask how school is going. With my friends it's a little easier because they pretty much know my dislike of my program (so they've learned not to ask) but with my grandparents, aunts and uncles I've had to smile and say it's fine, it's all fine and I'm enjoying it and yes, it has been a wonderful experience. There's no point in complaining to them -- I don't want to worry them, don't want to seem ungrateful, don't have the energy to explain that I'm making the best of a difficult situation or that a good deal of my difficulties stem from a mental illness they don't know I have. Every time I smile and lie, the depression eats at me a little more.

We drive to Florida every year -- that's two days in the car with five other people. I am an extremely introverted person and I need time alone to keep myself sane. Not getting a single moment to yourself, not even to go to the bathroom because you have to bring your little sister with you since she's too young to go alone ... it's really done a number on me. I've wanted to have a good cry for the last two days but I can't do that in front of my family. We're all pretty tired and grumpy but I feel like I've been snapping at them a lot more than necessary. I miss them so much while I'm at school but now I can't stand being around a single one of them. We make the trip every year and it's never been that bad, I don't know what's going on with me. I've always said that I get along better with my family when I'm not living with them -- it's probably true for a lot of people. But it makes me feel so bad. I feel like I take the time I have with them for granted. I know that when I go back to Scotland I'm going to miss them and I should enjoy myself while I can, but I just can't get into that mode. All I want to do is scream for everybody to leave me alone!!!

I feel like I live a whole bunch of different lives that don't fit together at all. At school I have the peace of being able to do what I want, when I want, and getting all the "me" time I need. But I'm also intensely lonely and don't feel like I can be myself until I'm with my friends back in Canada -- no matter what I do in Scotland I simply can't relate to my classmates, can't get beyond feeling like acquaintances with any of them. In Canada I can be myself, I'm more confident and driven and enjoy myself more ... except when i'm around my family and feel smothered and like I have lost all control. I keep trying to remind myself that in a year and a half, none of this will matter. I will be done my degree, I will be able to move out of my parents' house completely, I will be able to really take charge of my life and do whatever I want. I'm in the home stretch and I just have to deal with all of this a little bit longer. But after a while it starts to wear on me to think that I have to wait a whole year and a half before I can be happy. Before I can be my own person again.

My 21st birthday is in a few days. I'm not even remotely excited. All I can think is "21 years, and look what a mess you're in!"

Sorry for the long rant. I haven't had the chance to get anything out and I think my brain might have exploded a little bit all over the screen.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((Rebecca))))))))))

First off, that exam schedule sounds BRUTAL! What an awful idea for the school to coordinate things like that. *shakes fist at school*

Second, what stood out to me about your post is that it seems as though you have lots of people around you that care and support you. I've lived away from home for 6 years now (just turned 21) and I'm lucky if I can get together with a couple of friends that I've managed to keep in touch with. That being said, I remember that feeling of being overwhelmed by the amount of people that want to spend time with you - especially family members.

As for the feeling of integrating many different "lives" ... I know how that can be too. The thing that I have to try and remind myself is that while those "selves" seem to be very much separate from what you see as your true authentic self, they are still parts of you, and sometimes things aren't as black and white as they appear to be on the surface. So how do you make those feelings better/seem more whole? I can't say as I have the answer to that one, but just trying to re-frame how I look at those "selves" has helped... even if only marginally.

Do you have an ipod/mp3 or even a book that you can occupy yourself with as a more solitary activity? Or what about telling your family that you just need some alone time? Go for a walk maybe?

Often times (particularly when I'm feeling overwhelmed/down etc), its hard to see the amount of progress, or even intelligence that I DO hold. Instead of looking at yourself as an almost 21-year old who has nothing useful to offer, is it possible to look at what you have accomplished? I know this probably sounds like pop positive-psychology 101, but even just from this post, I can see a young women who, granted has some struggles, is very self-aware, and knows what it is that is bothering her. I see someone who can acknowledge the difficulties of being both away and at home, and can put her feelings into words. I see someone who obviously means a great deal to a lot of different people, and while she can't sometimes see it herself, knows on some level that she IS worth it. Because you are.

Try to take it easy on yourself if you can. What you described doesn't sound like a piece of cake, and a certain degree of empathy is most certainly warranted.

Sending many hugs your way... you can and will get through this, just hang on.
Jacq

[Naturefreak]

(((justfloating)))
hang in there Rebecca

[Berries]

(((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))

I'm sorry you are struggling so much

[lonegael]

((((((((Rebecca)))))))) It's Ok to not be into being around people all the time. Don't get down on yourself about that . It's a good idea to have something, klike and MP3 for example so that you an crreate your own space even in the car with 5 others. I think there are a lot of people who just need the time to be alone to recharge their batteries.
Take care of yourself and make sure that you have the down time that you need to have before the exams start.Try to take sthings as they come and just concentrate on managing right now. tomorrow can take care of itselff, by and large. Huggs. Not making mch sense I'm afraid.