[ThePainNeverDies]

Why couldn't I be with my real family? The family who I should be with every day of every year? Why should my Twin hate me so much that she wishes me the worst Christmas of my life and wishes me dead? Why should I crty on Christmas day because I'm scared of what they'll do to me? Because I'm with my boyfriend's family? I was happy, I had a brilliant day... But then I remembered how much they hate me and how much they wish I were dead. That tore everything up inside me and now I feel awful.

I love Christmas time at my partner's house. I absolutely love it. It's fantastic, but it's just not the same as how it used to be with The Family. Waking up at 6am to open our stockings and then open the presents in the sacks at 7am to have breakfast afterwards and enjoy our presents whilst the guests turn up. Playing with my pets, feeling happy and as safe as I could in that place. Feeling like I was leading a normal, happy life... Blissfully unaware.

I know it was bad for me to be there anymore, and yes I am incredibly lucky and happy to be out of hat place, but... Not lucky and happy to have them all hating me. To have them sending people after me to hurt me and make my life a living hell, to make me worry that somehow I'll lose my job because of them... To make me scared of having things stolen from me, to make me scared of being jumped while I walk home after work each afternoon or evening or even at 11pm!

My area manager at work the other day asked "Kirsten... Why do you look so..... unhappy?" I couldn't look at him, I felt a huge lump rising in my throat and said "I don't know. I just feel a bit tired, didn't sleep much last night after the late shift, it's alright, I'm fine, just tired." Seeing his quizzical look stopped me and I said "Actually, I'm not okay. I'm not fine. Thinking about it, I know what's bothering me. My Sister. Twin. She's been threatening me recently and I'm worried that she's going to lose me my job somehow and hurt me in some way or other. She hates my guts and I'm scared that she's going to make me lose everything". Ooops.

"Wha... How? How could she possibly do that?"
"I dunno, se knows lots of people who work here, one of them's her cousin, Emily Grandfield and I'm scared they'll lose me my job. They'll find a way, they always do."
"Kirsten. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing, no-one, zilch that could make you lose your job. You're exceeding expectations, you're doing both me AND the store manager proud and you're doing a fantastic job! o way. You won't lose your job no matter what."
"Thanks. I just worry about that because I know what my Twin's like. I'm still worried, but thanks for the reassurance"
"No problem. If anything else is worrying you at any time, just come see me ok? Don't worry about your Sister. You're not losing your job."
"Thanks"

It made me cry because I was so relieved and proud of myself but I just can't help worrying. She WILL find a way to hurt me. I look at her and the people she knows and I'm scared instantly. I'm not scared of her, I'm scared of what she's capable of. I knwo I'm capable of some pretty scary stuff, pretty serious damage to myself. But never to others, even those people who hurt me so badly before, including my Twin. I just couldn't bring myself to hurt anyone like I've been hurt, or to even hurt them at all. I don't do revenge. I may do anger and such, but never ever hurting someone else. How could I when I know how it feels?

I just wish it could all stop. This isn't the first time now that I've wished I could move out of this place, even move out of the Country if it wasn't for Connor wanting to be near his family as well as me. Heh. This isn't the first time I've wished I could just disappear off the face of the Earthe and never come back, either.

I don't even care thgat the people who hacked into my account are probably reading this. It doesn;t bother me now. Today is just another struggling day and I guarantee by the time I get back to work tomorrow everything will be fine again and once Steve comes into work, I'll be laughing my head off and joking again. I wish it could be like that every day.

Maybe the fact I still haven't got ADs is making everything worse, too... I dunno. I just wish I didn't have work tomorrow, I need a nnother day at least, to just get over this stupid flu Bleh

Sorry for the moan. Take care everyone

[Tumnus]

Friend, no need to apologize. I'm glad you keep sharing with us. I'm sorry for the load you carry, but I love that you are respected at work.

Please keep on posting so we know how you are doing.

[Naturefreak]

(((Thepainneverdies)))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you. I have had an extremely rough day today and just generally feel rough and weak even though I've eaten and my dr today figured out my body fat and how many calories my body's burning and she's gettign concerned. Yayyyy!

Today was supposed to be my relaxing day off work but it was far from that. I got drenched by an a--hole of a taxi driver who decided it'd be funny to speed through a puddle which he could've avoided. So I got soaked head to toe and Connor told two guys who were hooting with laughter to "f--k off" and then I got soaked again by another a--hole of a driver! NOT happy!! I already have a cold, already had a foul mood brewing and now that foul mood has turned into full blown suicidal feelings and deep depression. Fun.

Apart from that, I'm feeling as ok as can be expected right now really. Struggling, but ok.

[lonegael]

Hang on, hon. don't let the dorks of taxidrivers decide your day for you. Easier said than done, but people like that should not be allowed to run (yes, run, not ruin) other people's moods. Especially after showing that amazing lack of judgement...
Huggs anyway, and wet clothes is not an excuse for hating yourself. Nononono.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((((((K))))))))))))))))) Ok, let's "bright side" this. You. Connor. You. Connor. You. Job. You. Connor's family. You. Memories. You....getting the picture? Sometimes, in the throes of tears and fear and pain, we forget how wonderful we are, how far we've come. I have said this to you often and I still mean it. I am so proud of how far you've come. You are working, you stuck it out with Connor (and he with you) when things get rough, you have advanced yourself so much, you are so much stronger than before, you reached out when someone asked what was wrong. You leaned on people. I know you are scared, but look at your strenths. The people you are scared of have no idea of the strength they are up against. They aren't up against the you that is meek and compliant and fearful. They are up against the you that is strong and smart and though still fearful, you are not alone and that makes fear a motivator, not a paralyzer. K- I believe in you and I believe you have the smarts and support to keep safe. I know that doesn't help at night walking home and a leaf rustles in the street and gives you a fright, but sweety, you really are strong and you know the things to do to stay as safe as you can. Reach out, lean on people, make your voice heard. (It's a very pretty voice that I'm still waiting to hear on CD ).

[ThePainNeverDies]

It wasn't just the taxidriver deciding my mood, it was lots of other things, but yes, lonegael I get the idea. I'll try not to let it happen again

Yes, CSC I get the picture, but somehow, sometimes that just doesn't feel enough! Please don't ask me how! I have no idea! Oh don't make me cry, woman! :P You're so kind with what you say to me and it makes me cry because somehow, I do believe it deep down, but on the surface I find it so hard to believe! But I'm getting there slowly I am beginning to realize that I always have been, still am and always will be a good person, I just need to keep remembering it!

I am making my voice heard and yes, will be going back to see my T again because I know I need to. I am becoming very ill, people say my bones are beginning to show and they're worried and they're picking up on my lack of eating. BUT I did try a salmon fillet for the first time yesterday (not a keen fish eater funnily enough!) and I really enjoyed it, but my stomach is finding it impossible to hold just one bit of food :/ I'm trying hard to up the amount I eat because of work and such, it's hard but I'm trying and that's all that matters, right?

I'm keeping myself safe, taking different routes home from work so people can't follow me and find out where I live, I have self defense locked away inside me ready for when I need it and I always make sure that I'm alert and have my phone with me just in case.

Yes, yes, CSC, I am going to record this month. Connor broke one of the strings on my guitar by accident, which was another set back so once I have put new strings on, I shall be doing it straight away! You will be the first to get a copy, I promise.

I'm trying to be smart and keep my job going, doing well at it, trying my hardest to keep mine and Connors' relationship going well and just generally trying to improve life itself. It's hard, but I'm gettign there slowly and, in case I need to, I am ready to get help from a solicitor (after what Bryony said she would do). So I'm thinking far ahead and am even now setting up internet at home and getting a laptop, along with getting my provisional driving license and passing my CBT (compulsory Basic Training) so I can ride a moped around when I need to

I'm doing lots of things ot help me for once and I'm feeling ok about it, I don't feel selfish because along the way I know I have done and am still doing, lots for other people, so I deserve to give something back to myself.


The depression has been quite hard on me recently and my body's defenses are really dropping but I'm trying, I promise!

Thanks for replying everyone

I hoep you all have a wonderful New Year and many years to come!

[lonegael]

TPNS, you are a good person, and anyone who has to put up with a tenth of what you do would have trouble keeping their mood up. I do get it, buttaxi drivers can be so fun to get mad at, eh? Yes, you are trying and you are right. It counts. Keep up the fight, we're rooting for you. Let me know when you release your CD any voice that continues to sing through all of this deserves to be heard in a BIG way! Huggs, dear. May the New Year bring many good things for you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Ohhh lonegael, thank you so much for this! I have had SO much to do recently and just been reeeeally super busy with work and stuff, so just trying to keep up with it all. I accidentally burned myself the other night and I know I'm gonna get questioned at work tomorrow, just need to push through it tbh.

I've had a rough time and am going back to the drs and found out that I'm almost a stone under what I was when I was 16... Oopsie. Everyone who hasn't seen me in a while has gasped and said "Kirsten! You have lost SO much weight! Nice one!" and it makes me feel so, so good but I know that Connor's getting incredibly worried. I just can't seem to stop.

I'm working lots, eating little and just crying lots and going to the drs more often than not really... I'm trying to go see my ED counsellor soon, but the snow has put a lot on hold there, so it's frustrating!