New here and I have depression. Here is my story (insanely long long long read)

I must warn that this is an absurdly long read, and I understand if not many people want to look at it. If you plan on posting, just post saying you are going to read it that way I don't feel ignored, then post any advice, comments, or thoughts when you get the chance

Hello everyone, I'm Zac. I'm a 19 year old male and I have depression. I've been depressed for about 2 years now, although I only started seeing a psychiatrist right before Christmas 2009. Here is my story, in bullet form, because I think its easier to organize things that way.

• I'm an avid gamer, and very competitive, however starting about 2 and a half years ago, I started getting very frustrated when things would go wrong. When you play online games, sometimes the internet itself can make inconstancies in gameplay. These issues also serve as a rather nice scapegoat for frustration when you aren't playing well, even if they aren't entirely to blame. Over time I would get upset to the point of yelling, or throwing things. On occasion I would yell at people. This is kinda the first nail in the metaphorical coffin so to speak

• I went to a College Prep School and was in the International Baccalaureate (also known as IB, a prestigious higher education program, with a rather intense curriculum) and a similar, but not as wide scale, but similar Advanced Placement (AP) program. Both programs (at our school) worked hand in hand for a much harder curriculum,and culminated in many standardized tests at the end of our schooling.
• (this is why I put the little red X in the title, so this is as "bad" as it gets) Towards the 2/3rds point of my senior year, my father and I had an altercation. We had always butted heads, not gotten along ect, more than normal Parent-teenager relationships. In this altercation, it was getting later at night, and I was getting excessively frustrated with my game, and was getting really, really loud. My father to shut up because my mom was trying to sleep. I continued to be loud. My Father stormed out of the room grabbed me out of the chair and started shoving me around. He was getting in my face and yelling, insulting me. We had a shoving match (I was trying to get him off of me) he pushed me back into my chair and started strangling me. I eventually pushed him off and sat there as he was yelling at me. I didn't say anything and he kept yelling finally yelling "are you eyeballing me". He then punched me in the face, cutting the inside of my mouth.
  • Eventually I got away, I went in my room and couldn't stop crying. My brother was in our room too. I eventually called my mother in and started talking to her. My brother then informed me I was bleeding from my neck where is fingers dug into it. I told my mother I was going to call the police on him. She tried to talk me out of it, because obviously it would have been an enormous ordeal. I called my best friend (who's dad is a cop) and asked him, he kept saying he didn't know, but if my dad got out of control to call him. I then called my then girlfriend of 3 1/2 years and asked her. She didn't think I should call the police because, well my family isn't that well off anyways and it could end up pritty bad for my future. I ended up not calling the police.
• About a week later, my Dad and I got in another spat, only this was not physical, but just verbal. He started getting just as angry and my mother stepped in between us. He started telling her to stop defending me, and that I should get thrown out of the house (mind you he couldn't legally, as I wasn't 18). My mother kept telling him to go away, as I was trying to get away from the situation, but he kept persisting, getting in my face and swearing at me. Finally I told him if he didn't back off, I was going to call the police. He basically said "Go ahead, I dare you to". Well, I did. Don't think I ever saw him more afraid and disbelieving than that, considering my dad had always had a kind of controlling, and abusive attitude to all my family, (including my mother), and we're all pritty scared of him to tell you the truth, and this was the first time I'd truly stood up to him.
  • The police arrived and I told him the story. Then he talked to us all individually. I told him the story about the week before, and he said since my Dad hadn't actually done anything that night, he couldn't do anything about it, but that he could file a report for the week before, though it would be much more difficult to do anything about since I had waited so long. I filed the report, he got the rest of the stories from everyone else and left.
  • Over the next couple weeks I didn't go to school much, I also came down with the Flu shortly after. We had child services come to where I heard my dad say possibly the stupidest thing ever explaining he was that while the night I called the police he had been drinking a little, the first night where he actually belted me and strangled me, he was "as sober as a judge" to which the child services lady said "ummmm, thats not a good thing". I also eventually got a call asking if I wanted to attempt to press charges, to which I said no. That was the formal ending of the altercation.
• I missed a few weeks of school, and came back. The first day I came back, I was so upset at what had happened and what was ahead of me, when I met up with my then girlfriend and I couldn't contain my emotions, I cried, and just said I couldn't do today. We went to her father (who was a teacher at our school) he took us to the office and after explaining the situation to my counselor got permission from my dad and the school for her to take me home. We got to my house and probably had the most intimate moment of my life, and that kinda helped a bit going forward.
• Through the rest of the school year, I ended up barely, and I mean barely passing. I literally was in the last few weeks for seniors (where we didn't go to any classes) and I had to go to my Calc teacher who basically said, you are going to retake this final until you get a good enough grade to get a D in the class. I ended up failing a few AP exams, but did manage to pass all my IB tests, which was much more important (as the IB diploma is more important than a few extra college credits from any given AP test). I got my IB diploma, and my diploma and graduated.
• I got through summer and eventually was off to a state university, about 2-3 hours away from our hometown. My then girlfriend went there, and my best friend moved down there despite taking local online courses at a local Community College, to be closer to his then girlfriend.
• I started off ok, I never really got to know my roommates (we all had separate rooms, and I've always been more of a few close knit friends kind of guy). My girlfriend and I's physical relationship was at its peak, and our mental relationship was about where it was at High School.
• Slowly as the semester went on, I stopped having the motivation to do stuff. I didn't go and hang out with my girlfriend at events, or gatherings, preferring to be alone with her. Often times this would lead to sexual interactions, which was good and fine for the most part, as we had been rather slow and careful in building that into our relationship.
  • Towards the 2nd half of the first semester, I started staying up later. No reason, I was very (and still am) very adamant about not doing drugs or drinking, so that wasn't it. I would lose my motivation to go to class, or even attempt to study (much like the end of my senior year, where as before, besides general procrastination, was a fairly good student, albeit a little bit less motivated than some). I stopped going to my classes as much, and ended up sleeping through them. I would go to some lectures more than others, but would miss a lot of class. My personal hygiene was down, and even playing my games (I was organizing a team with my brother and friends) became more frustrating than enjoyable.
  • Eventually my Girlfriend was feeling like all I ever wanted to do was be secluded, and felt like every time we met I was all about sex. I think I did this because of the day she brought me back home from high school, because that moment made me feel so much better, and closer to her. She started not wanting to do anything sexual. I was much more persistent than I should have been. I always wanted to talk about it. eventually we did things less and less, and also hung out a little less often, but not a ton, though I rarely went out with her.
  • I eventually realized that I was going to have terrible grades. I went and pritty much broke down in front of my girlfriend. I kinda wouldn't tell her the whole truth, because at the time, I just felt like I was lazy, and was ashamed to admit I wasn't going to class.
  • Over the Xmas break we kinda made a pact that I would try to improve, both in our relationship with being persistent about sex,and with school and such. I went to my counselor and kinda talked about me having a hard time being motivated. she told me what I needed to do to keep my state scholarship. I ended up needing to retake most of my classes.
• The next semester started and it started off solid. My relationship with my Girlfriend improved, both sexually, but much more importantly mentally. I also started trying to be adamant about assignments, being more organized. We had a long weekend a month or so in, so I went back home. I came down wicked sick, fevers of 100+ and went back to school feeling pritty terrible.
  • That was the straw that broke the camels back as they say. Once I was sick, I reverted to my old ways. My sleep schedule got off and I started sleeping through classes and missing assignments again, didn't know what was going on in my classes. I actually missed a speech in one of my classes, which was a large part of my grade I was running out of my scholarship/loan money from the semester because I hadn't budgeted well. I was just in trouble.
  • My relationship with my girlfriend plummeted as well. She tried helping me by researching jobs and she did so much to help me help myself about school, and organization, and getting a place to live for the next year, and a job. I kept putting down her advice, or not having the drive to get any of it done. Our sexual relations ceased to exist, and she would just get frustrated with me. It was obvious she still cared about me, but she couldn't help me.
  • I eventually broke down. After realizing that I had no chance to salvage my grades, I came and broke down to her again, saying explaining my lack or drive and no solution. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like breaking commitments, or disappointing people so when she suggested that I just stop, and go home, and try for square one before the semester ended, I suddenly realized that was the only answer. I called my parents the next day, and within the week, my buddy and I packed everything and was ready to go.
  • During that last week, my girlfriend and I's relationship was in a weird place. I felt a bit better because I thought the change of scenery would help. She still didn't want any sexual relations, but even things that weren't explicitly sexual were kind of tense.
• I eventually left, and my girlfriend and I didn't talk that much, as I was sleeping/recovering a lot, and she had finals. Before the school year ended I went back to town with my family to return my dorm key, and I spent the night with my girlfriend. It was real awkward, to the point where I could kinda tell she was a bit weirded out at affection, even non-sexual. It wasn't totally blatant, but it sure didn't feel like the kind of interaction between 2 people who had at that point been dating for more than 4 years and hadn't seen each other in a month.
  • School was over, I think I eventually got my job back at my old job before I left for school at a fast food joint. I wasn't getting very many hours. My girlfriend and I hung out a few times, one time in particular we went bike riding at some bike trails, something she had been wanting to do for some time. I was really frustrated because I had to use my dads beach cruiser, which isn't very good for mountain biking. My girlfriends bike didn't even have breaks, and she had sandles on.
  • One of the next few times we hung out, we were in my room. I had kinda made up my mind to try to bring things to a better relationship. So I was trying to be romantic, without being overly sexual. I went in to kiss her, and she kept turning away. I eventually asked her what was wrong, and she eventually said that even though she hadn't planned on mentioning anything, that she didn't want to be together anymore. I don't really remember much about that day, other than me crying harder than I have ever cried in my life (imagine a panic attack on top of crying uncontrollably) and then falling asleep (I had stayed up all night the night before because my sleep schedual had gone to hell), before waking up, and her eventually leaving.
    • I was really in denial for a long time about the break up, I didn't want to believe it, especially because I was starting to feel on the right track, and I KNEW something had been bothering her for a while, and I was too late to stop it.
    • This is skipping forward for a bit but at this point there were 2 different things I had gathered about the breakup that kind of evolved over time. 1)My state of being (which about 3-4 months after the breakup I realized was depression) when I was at school was very emotionally draining on her. She felt like she wasn't getting 2) She wanted the opportunity to eventually experience dating other people because I was the only one she had ever dated (for the record the she was also he only person I have ever dated). This part bothered me the most, but I will revisit this later.
• After or right around the beginning of the next semester, I got a better job from my best friend. It was being a dishwasher at a fairly busy restaurant. I didn't have a car (or a license for that matter, never got it because I never wanted to be around my dad to learn), so I would have to stay at his house (his new house was right behind the restaurant) and walk to work the next morning. At first I loved it because I was getting my life going in the right direction. It was harder work, but I didn't have to deal with customers (Drive thru customers at fast food restaurants can be very rude, sometimes for our mistakes, but often times because they can't be bothered to read something, think about that next time you do fast food, employees aren't trying to mess your order up, don't be a douche). At work I would often zone out when it wasn't busy, and just mull and mull and mull over my now Ex girlfriend. We had been broken up for a few months at this point.
  • I would usually stay up rather late on the computer, doing nothing in particular usually, or mulling some more over my ex. I'd set my cell phone alarm to wake up. I'd usually have to set it for like 1-2 hours before work and hit snooze a million times, and wake up right before I had to leave (which was thankfully a minute before I had to be at work.)
  • I showed up to work late one day I didn't stay at my friends house. It wasn't my fault, he showed up late, but at the same time, he is going out of his way to give me a ride, and he also works there so I wasn't about to complain. I also didn't call my work and let them know, which was my mistake.
  • After about a month, I would sometimes misread my schedule, Forget when I worked. I got verbally reprimanded, but my manager was rather laid back, and had employed 2 of my close friends (one of whom was my best friend who still worked there). Then one day I overslept. My manager was out of town, but told the other manager to suspend me. He then told me to come back and talk to him when he got back. I misunderstood the fact that he wanted to see me the day he got back and didn't call my friend for a ride, thinking he just wanted to see me before my suspension was up. I get a call the next day from my friend asking what had been up with me and that he was pritty sure I had been fired. I talk to the General manager, and he said he knew I was suspended, but that was all he knew, he told me to talk to the employee manager. I go in, and he respectfully tells me I had to be let go, which I figured was coming, I told him I didn't mean any disrespect, and I had been going through some bad times.
• About a month and a half, maybe 2 1/2 months after that I finally (with some coaxing from my mother) decided to get some help (I had realized for sure about 3 weeks after being fired I had depression). I contacted my old pediatrician, and he told us to look at our insurance, then look at specialists and he would recommend one. I saw a Psychiatrist about 8 or 9 days before Christmas. I'm now on anti-depressants and have been for about 2, 2.5 weeks.
• Family and I went on a vacation (I now rock at MIB Alien attack at universal since thats all my brother and I did since he doesn't like roller coasters)until Xmas
• After Christmas I talked with my Ex about different things. She kinda expanded on how she felt saying that, she did feel relieved last semester not having to deal with my draining her and feels free. She talked about not wanting to date anyone right now because she wanted to feel freedoms and experience new things, and when she was dating me she had to worry about so much more than herself. I tried to explain to her that she was being smothered by me because of my depression. She said that I had always been kind of anti-social, and that she wants to do things like go to party's and clubs (I suppose this is a good time to mention we were an interracial couple, I'm white and she is black, not that its very relevant) or go out fishing, things which I wasn't really into. She said she didn't want me to change these things for her I told her that I eventually had to try new things anyways.
  • We also talked about her wanting the freedom to try to experience dating new people, and although she said she wasn't talking about anytime or anyone in particular, or even that it would happen. She also has been insistent about us becoming better friends first before thinking about a romantic relationship although as she has said "you have as good of a shot, probably better than anyone else trying to date me". I said that its really hard, because I feel like if I get better, and can show her that, but she wants to date someone else for the experience, but with the possibility of coming back to me if the experience isn't what she wants later is a very difficult situation for me. I want her back more than anything in the world right now. I'm not going to pursue anyone else until I know it wont work with us, and I no longer love her. I feel that we broke up because of something out of my control, but if she would rather wait to find someone else just to see what that experience is like rather than at the very least SEE if she could feel romantically about me again once I was better, than I would have a very hard time staying her friend. I made a metaphor that I'm not like clothing, you can't try me on to see if I fit, try on some more people later, then come back to me in the end. No matter how much I cared about her, I would have a hard time letting my morals have that happen. She tried to say the analogy was poor, because in the same analogy, how could she know if there was something that fit perfect if I was all she tried.
  • So I instead brought up an incident where I went to great length to get homecoming tickets to another school (where all our middle school friends went to) even though the dance was on the same day as our homecoming game (we were in the band together, so we were required to go). I knew she wanted to do this very badly even though I wasn't a big dance guy and the timing would be tight. Our game got delayed by rain, and we couldn't end up going, and I was terribly upset because I had put so much work into it and it had fallen through, when I had felt all along that it wouldn't be worth the trouble. I had called her that night really upset explaining what I was upset with her about. She asked me that night if I was breaking up with her. My reply was "of course not, I just want us to get this solved" [our plans had a knack for being last minute and I had to do most of the planning, and they fell through a lot]). I said imagine I broke up with you that night, the issue was something I was bothered with you about, but not bad enough to break up about (bad at planning and keeping plans) , but was accentuated by something out of your control (lightning storm). If I had broke up and then said "I'm going to try to date other people to experience more things", but if I can't I will give you another shot. This was similar to how we ACTUALLY broke up. She was bothered by something about me but not bad enough to break up about (my slight anti-socialness and dislike for dancing in public), but was accentuated by something out of my control (depression) and now you are saying the same thing to me. She said she understood, and would kind of go with it, but she wouldn't do so without saying she was "convinced" or coerced.

• We hung out a day later, she just came over and we watched a movie. She's normally a rather outgoing touchey feely person, not only with me when we were dating, but just with close friends, guys and girls alike. Ever since we've been done dating, besides the occasional, fairly brief hug ,our time together feels its like we're acquaintances stuck together in an elevator, rather than friends or people who dated for 4.5 years. Part of it is i'm used to being able to put my arm around her for so long, but part of it is her awkwardness I think.
  • Afterwards I sent her a long long long list of questions about our relationship, why we broke up, and how she feels going into the future of our relationship. I'll hear back from her soon, but she is doing volunteer work starting this morning for a week and isn't sure if she will have internet access.
  • About 4 hours before I got this far into writing this gargantuan story I woke her up with a phone call because I was having a mini panic attack (I had a full fledged one when one of my buddies came over to my other friends house for his birthday with his girlfriend and spent the night, and I was kinda overwhelmed that night as we all went to sleep and they went to sleep together, I was thinking about how I cant do stuff like that anymore and I had a silent panic/crying attack where I had trouble breathing. Not pleasant) We talked some, and I tried to explain how sorry I was for all I put her through, because I had never really said it, and tried to stress that I am getting help. We talked and she said that one of the main things that made her not want a romantic relationship with me is because she still has a hard time enjoying being around or talking with me because its always so negative feeling, or we're talking negatively about how I feel sad we aren't together. She was tired and said that there was still some more to it that she had explained in the questions, but she wasn't done with them yet. I did ask her if that would at least get us on the right path towards that type of relationship, and she said, yea, thats a part of it. I then asked if the "more to it" was something that I could bear any influence on, and she said its hard to explain, but she thinks so. This has made me feel a lot better, and I think that if I'm just more positive and try to enjoy myself with her, it maybe hopefully in the long run could end up with us being back together. I'm not trying to get my hopes too high, and understand it could take a while. But that has at least given me some assurance of a direction.
• I then got on here, registered, and typed this huge post.

Thats my story. I'm done writing. Right now I'm mostly focused on my Ex-girlfriend, because she means so much to me. I''d really like advice, comments, questions or thoughts on the situation with her, if its not outside the realm of this forum. General advice, comments, questions, or thoughts on the rest of my story, and my depression in general are welcomed as well. I plan on going to a local community college(which is technically a state college now), and doing online courses for the rest of my Gen Ed stuff (which despite me essentially wasting a year and a half of potential college, isn't that that much because of IB and AP)

Sorry for the terribly long read, and I probably still left something out

-Bias

Holy smokes, you weren't kidding when you warned of the length of your post!

Well, Zac, I'm sorry that you had such a difficult time with your father. I can understand how easily you delved into your relationship with your girlfriend. It's actually very common for our first love to become a painful experience. That girlfriend saw you at very weak, emotionally vulnerable times of your life. It's not uncommon for people to give their all into what they are willing to give anything in those points of life.

That is okay. The hard part is the stress that dependence puts upon the relationship. The one depending (you) on the relief (her) quickly becomes a burden. It is incredibly painful ~ yes, I've been the burden (too many times!) ~ I know! What I've learned, over the years, is to always have other things that I can put some energy and enjoyment in. I don't have many. But some is much better than only one or two.

Exercise is my personal fave ~ walking, aerobics, weight-lifting, cycling, etc. Bird-watching, baking, music, watching baseball & football games, nature, coming to Psych Central, games with my kids or being with my boyfriend. Those are the positives in my life. The more positives I have, without dependence upon anyone else, the better. That's what I honestly believe.

Hope that you've gained something helpful from my response to you. Very best wishes to you!

Hello & Welcome, Bias Logic!

Quite a post, but you needed to get that out. You might want to save what you've written for future personal reference and for therapists.

I read most of it, and, as I'm no good with relationship advice, it was the altercation with your father that stood out to me. That incident and your family's whole history with your father are things you may wish to explore.

Good for you that you've reached out for help. Keep us updated on how your treatment develops.

I've kinda moved on from the incident with my Dad. Its honestly not what I have on my mind a lot, although I guess its what triggered or at the least highly intensified my depression. He and I are getting along better, now any spats we have are more normal, not like they were after the incident. He's been supporting me more once he learned I had depression, and the incident with the police woke him up.

As for my depression, I'm a very logical and analytical, I know that once I've identified the problem, and gone to get the proper help, it will get better. I know I can get through that portion of it. My relationship with her, well I can't take a magical pill to get that back. I just feel bad that I didn't identify my problem sooner, as to not damage it.

Welcome to PC Zac

(agrees with shezbut's post)

I skimmed your post and caught some of it but will have to reread when I am less tired.

It sounds as though you have two problems: relationships and a possible mental illness. You mentioned that you have recently been diagnosed with depression. When you said you started staying up later and later at college I wondered if you might possibly be bipolar. Not sleeping much while at college was one of my first signs of bipolar. Perhaps you could take one of the bipolar tests on Psychcentral.

What antidepressant are you taking? Are you taking it consistently? How is your sleep now?

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

I have seen a psychiatrist, but I'm not sure when/if/who I can/will be able to see a therapist. My sleep is fine once I GO to sleep, I sleep for 7-11 hours. I just mull over stuff and it keeps me up, then gets my schedule all out of whack. Its ok as of late.

I am taking (kicks cat of lap to go find bottle) Bupropion which is the generic for Wellbutrin.
I've taken it every day since the 16th of Dec.

Hi, Zac. When I read your magnificent tome - I mean post - I thought that the environment that you grew up in - not just your dad but the reactions of the whole family, probably don't help you in dealing with your current problems. I'm VERY glad that you and your father are getting along better and that he took the wake up call seriously. Still, the lessons you learn about yourself from him and your family earlier are going to take some working out.
You are a very strong person do do what you have done, not just with your father but also completing that program. An IB after all of that! Spectacular, young man! You must have a real drive there! Just make sure it doesn't lead you to be unrealsitic with yourself. HUGGGGGGSSSSS Zac. I can't heal the end of first love, but I can assure you life does chugg along and you are still a person of worth!

yea, part of the altercation with my Dad was that there was a chance my mother could be charged with neglect because she "let" it go on. In reality, I think she was just as afraid of my father as we all were. She also wasn't in the room when we got in our scuffle so she didn't know how bad it was I guess.

I'm a first generation college student in my family. Both my parents are supportive of my education, and of my life in general. However, I feel that I was really just happy to be away from my dad when I was at school. I'm not sure exactly what caused the depression when I was away, It was probably there all along, but I thought getting away from my Dad would help.

The thing about my relationship is that I think, or at least hope that once the cause of the breakup (my behavior under depression) is treated, that she can once again see what she saw in me for 4 years. On the other hand, I worry every day that its too late, or that she is either to hurt, or to fixated on trying something new, that she won't give what was "unjustly" cut short another chance.

Up until the night I decided to join this site, I was unsure of a sort of path to at least put me in the ball park of getting back together. Our relationship has been kinda awkward, but not "bad" on by any means. She would really ambiguously say she wanted to become better friends any time I talked about getting back together. I kept saying that you broke up with me because of my depression, (which I had to kinda pry out/ decipher in the months after the break up [before I knew it was depression we referred to it as "how I was acting at college"]), how can you not at least want to be back with the non-depressed me, even if it takes time for you to feel romantically about me (because she says she still "loves" me, just not romantically). We talked and the only non-depression related thing that I did that contributed to the break up was At the beginning of senior year, which involves a quick anecdote:

Before school started freshman year, I went to band camp (get your American Pie jokes out of the way please). I had prior music experience through my middle school, and I play percussion (or "Drums" for you less musically inclined). In particular, at least for marching season, I played the Bass Drum (the big drum that you strap to the front of you, and play on either side that goes "boom"). First off, Bass Drums aren't light. Secondly, I'm not a big, or particularly strong guy. Thirdly, the senior Bass Drummer, was this big, fat, and not particularly nice girl named Mindy (or as I affectionately call her, Godzilla). Anyways, Freshman (or first year band students, they can be any grade) always get Hazed a little bit. If we mess up we have to run laps with drums, or worse yet, Duckwalk (Squat down, but stay on your feet, now with out unsquatting, and keeping your arms out in front of you, walk from one end of your house to the other, when you catch your breath, tell me how you feel). These wouldn't have been so bad, if I knew anyone, or Mindy wasn't slightly abusive of her powers (technically she was an upper clansmen, but wasn't Section, or Assistant Section leader). I also went to my doctor because my back was hurting (he thought I had scoliosis, but later we learned from a specialist that one of my legs was slightly longer than the other, and that the apparent curvature of the spine was due to this.) So I quit band before the season. My soon to be girlfriend joined the drumline at the start of the year, with no experience. I was still in the class (but was in the beginners class due to IB scheduling conflicts for required classes). She was in the "percussion" class, but second semester switched to the beginning band class. Eventually we started dating.

Flash forward a few years, and Its our senior year. Our predecessors didn't set up well for us, so we got to band camp. Technically neither of us had learned some of the other drums parts, she was a Tenor player, and I was a Bass player. But since so many people transfered away (our school had a tough curriculum) she technically had the most seniority, followed by me (because I technically only had 3 years). However we kind of unspokenly agreed with me being section leader, and her being assistant section leader because I could in general handle some of the more vocal rolls, and I was also a more experienced musician, and knew more parts on more drums. Despite having had no Sophomores, and a boat load of Freshman, with only 3 Seniors (one of whom was only second year in the band) and 3 juniors (one of whom was a "freshman") and no one having sat down and taught us the other drums, we put together all the parts. I was now on snare, with the help of one of the juniors, and she was on Tenor still. I pieced together most of the Quad parts, and she worked on the Cymbals.

Every time we learned a new Drum cadence or feature, I would have to learn the snare part, if I didn't get it during band camp, and she would have to teach the Tenor part. Then, I would have to literally remember what the quad part sounded like (not easy considering its 4 drums) and piece it together as best I could then teach it to a freshman with no drum experience, and she would have to do the same with the Cymbals. We were under a lot of pressure from the Band Captain, and Co-Captain because we were further behind then everyone (we had no freshman show up at camp, and we had to teach all the Drum Cadences, and Features, ON top of everything the band plays as a whole, which most of them aren't incredibly complicated on percussion, on top of everyone learning the field show.) We were trying to get one of the more difficult Features down at practice that we needed to play for the pep rally. It had 2 separate quad solo's in it, that I was not only piecing together, but teaching to someone who had a knack for having a hard time on solo's. On the other hand, my girlfriend simply didn't know the Cymbal part, and was teaching it wrong. Cymbals are a lot easier to teach parts for because they are very distinct and not as complicated. With literally no one else to turn to, and running out of time I was angry. I was stressed out from the pressure, and mad that my only source of help, well, couldn't help. I held her to a high standard, and I always saw us more as partners, rather than the top dog, and the person under that. I snapped at her and yelled at her. I don't remember what I said, but I don't think I ever swore at her. I do remember i was very upset, and may have insulted her, saying she was no help, or couldn't do her job, something to that effect. I saw it strictly as a business stand point, and didn't mean the yelling to be personal, but to emphasize that she really needed to remember this because I can't teach everyone at once. She was upset with me, telling her not to speak with her that way, and that there was nothing she could do, it wasn't her fault. She took it personally.

We worked it out, and I honestly forget the details of the resolution, or how long it was drawn out. But we were always good about talking about things and resolving them, and making up, and I didn't see this as any more of an incident than any other normal disagreement we had. However looking back at it, I guess up until I became depressed, this was the only time I ever yelled at her. It was obviously stress induced, but that doesn't make it right to yell at someone. After my depression, I would sometimes become angered at very small things. For example, I would lose patience is she was slow, or confused on how to perform simple tasks on the computer. Just things like using the very fidgity touch pad on my laptop rather than my mouse, and then being slow to scroll up or down, or do simple things because she insisted on using it over the moue. I feel like my already existing frustration and anger problem was accentuated by my depression, and I one probably 1 or 2 occasions after we moved to college, rose my voice at her for completely stupid things. I think she lumps the other experience of the drumline with that and makes a connection that that was a character trait I had before my depression, when that one corner case with her was stress induced.

/anecdote

She's currently out of state doing a Habitat for Humanity project for the week up until her new semester starts. The morning she left, I was up all night so I called her. We talked for a bit (much to her dismay as she had to leave to catch a bus in 3 hours) and she basically told me that one of the reasons she didn't yet want to even start thinking about building back a romantic relationship, is because every time we talked, I was still being negative, or sad, often talking about how upset I was we weren't together, and wanting to talk about the break-up which she would insist, she had nothing NEW to say on. However, me being an analytical person, would always pick up new things with every time we would talk about it. However one thing I couldn't understand, is why she didn't WANT to feel romantically about me (I understood why she didn't feel romantically about me). When she said the bolded statement I understood.

From my perspective, I've always recognized something was wrong with me, even before I knew I was "depressed", heck its why I left school. For me, this is more than half the battle. When I left school, I knew there was a rift between us over the way I was acting, and I thought the change of scenery would fix it, as I couldn't seem to shake my lack of motivation at school. I felt I was on the way to recovery. Well, my mood didn't improve very fast, and well, it was too late, and we broke up, the very thing I tried to avoid by attempting fixing my state of mind, and subsequent behavior. Flash forward to once I realized I had depression and made the decision to get help, I instantly knew the end result being me getting back to as normal as possible (assuming all goes well). I always see myself in that light in regards to what I have to offer her. The fact that I'm addressing the problem to ME makes me feel like the problem is now a non issue. However, because she still didn't show that much explicit interest, merely stating that I had as good a shot as any, if not better, in having that type of relationship (in my case again) with her, I was getting more and more upset over our relationship because I couldn't understand how to get on track. This led to me being negative, and being more beg-ey, and more why-me-ey. I realized now that "become better friends" was really "show her that you aren't the negative person from College, show her you are better, or are getting there, then you are at least on the TRACK to get her to look for any feeling of romance, where as now, she doesn't even want to look for it. Because I'm analytical, the fact that the solution to the problem is in place makes me confident enough that its fixed. She being more about feelings, and face value, doesn't see any change, and doesn't WANT to want a relationship.

My hope is that once I can get her to WANT to want a relationship, my infinite charm and stunning good looks (also known as the fact I can make her laugh and the fact that she happens to be attracted to pale skinny white guys) and our previous relationship can take over and I can win her back. I know that me showing her I am on the road to recovery isn't an instant fix. I know there are some additional feelings and factors that must be overcome, or changed. I just hope that she wont go ahead and just date someone else just for the "experience", because that will bother me to the point where I don't know how I could have a good friendship with her.

I talked with her best friend and roommate about what I was thinking about doing, but I don't know if logistically would be possible, or would be too invasive. I was planning on hitching a ride with her back to their apartment/dorm thingey. Then when my Ex got back from the Habitat from Humanity, I would surprise her by being there, and we would hang out, because it would be their first week of classes, so they wouldn't be too busy. Talking with her roommate though she said they may or may not be busy and was worried I'd be bored at the very least when(hey all I do is stay home, surf the internet and sleep now anyways). The other issue, is she doesn't think my Ex would want to drive me back here at the end of the week as its a 2-3 hour drive each way, and I don't really have another mode of transportation. She also said she didn't know how she would feel if I "sprung" it on her like that. From what my Ex had said to me, she feels like I never do things by the seat of my pants, and that the best things at life are just kinda random and spontaneous. If I can get a ride, I'm going for it, but I'm not sure I'd have one, and My Ex always complained about being the only one of us with a car when we lived in the same CITY. So I'll see how it pans out.

-Bias

oH jeeze, that is NOT easy. Your annecdote from Band camp rang true; I have been involved with string instruments and music camp was a wierd mix of fun, improving one's skills, yet also VERY heirarchical, product vers. process oriented, and very stressy. I could understand both your anger and her defens9iveness under those circumstances, and the best I can say is that she and you need to give each other a chance to grow beyond that time. It is hardly a "normal" situation.
I might make a suggestion and I hope you'll bear with me. Analytical as you are, it might be hard to drop the breakup, but it might be worth doing it if she doens't see how taking it apart will help. You might have more to gain just being her friend for the time being. You might discover some aspects of yourself that might surprise you, if you can bear to get out a little more. Huggs, I know there aren't easy answers, and I think the idea of hanging out is good, if you can just keep your expectations down.

(((Bias Logic)))

You do have quite a way with words. I'd recommend taking a creative writing course and/or journalism at a local junior college (for the fun of it). Writing can be such a wonderful release of thoughts, feelings, stress, etc. It can be very therapeutic!

What's the dosage of Bupropion that you're taking? Is it your only medication? What was your diagnosis? There are a few personality tests linked here ~ they ask all sorts of questions and offers insight in the trends it picks up on in your answers. Be sure to check that out some time.

I am trying to curb my expectations, and I think part of the reason she has been so ...awkward for lack of a better term, is because she wants to make sure I don't get my hopes up. She doesn't know whats going to happen and doesn't want to make any promises. At the same time, I know she still cares about me. We had a very good relationship for a long time and we didn't break up on bad terms. I just want to make sure she has a chance to know for sure we can, or can't work out, rather than a reaction to something out of my control. I will be able to stay friends with her a lot easier should it come to us not working out in the end because I wont feel cheated.

I also don't think she understands how serious depression is because she just sees negativity, which she can't stand to be around. She is such an outgoing and bubbly person, she very rarely gets mad, never swears, never says she "hates" someone or something, but she is almost always all smiles and good natured. I'm normally very reserve and don't show a lot of emotion, but once I'm around people I'm comfortable with, I'm very open and loving, and probably the most loyal person in the world. She would tell me when we were dating that people (especially people in band who only saw the "section leader" side of me, and never bothered to get to know me would ask her things like "Why are you dating him he's so serious" or "Does he treat you ok?". She would always say, "He's a really sweet and funny guy, once you get to know him."

I really want to try to spring this surprise on her. I'm even considering trying to take a Greyhound bus back if I need to, the problem is I only have very little money left that I will probably need most of for a few bills I have, and my parents aren't rich by any stretch of the imagination. I'm going to ask my Mother if we can make any arrangements to make it work, because I think this would be huge for our relationship as a whole to spring a surprise on her. And if for some reason she doesn't like my surprise (I'm talking like having upset/bad body language when/if I surprise her) and is bothered by me being there, well then I'll probably know how she feels about me at least.

Haha. Its funny because I really am not that creative. 4 years at a prep school where the inside joke is that the curriculum teaches you to procrastinate, so I learned to become rather verbose in my bull#$&%ing. I mostly just want to be thorough because there are a lot of details.

Well I believe the dosage was 150mg, and besides Vitamins in the morning, thats the only medication I'm on. I think he said that it was a relatively lower dosage, but that was to introduce it into my system and the dosage would possibly go up after, its probably been about 3 weeks now that I've been on it. I believe he said I "defiantly show signs of depression, and could benefit from anti-depressants". I go back to him Wednesday for a follow up so I should be able to.

I have been checking out the quizzes but they mostly tell me what I already know, and I tend to score "worse" for depression when I feel particularly in the dumps.

EDIT:Are the excessive ((((())))))'s around people's name a kinda "aww don't feel bad, hug?" way of saying people's name? I don't mind it, and I'm always fascinated in cultures of certain groups (especially forums) with different terminology and phrasing. Most of the forums I go on are for games, and with the exception of one community, are surprisingly cordial and helpful, but not without their own brand of sort of cultures and stigmas, where as the one is rather abrasive and insulting. This community is, being almost a giant support group has a very "fluffy" tone to it. Its not bad, but there are just a lot of posts that are trying to make people feel accepted and better so that you can help them. Very fascinating stuff.

Bias Logic... thank you for sharing and reaching out for support. I am going to suggest something that you may not want to hear but I hope you think about. I suggest you give her more time and space to sort out her feelings about you and your future together. Your surprise may force a response from her that with more time might be very different. She sounds like a lovely caring friend who may or may not be more than that in your future. I think it would mean a lot more to her to see you get yourself on track and on a more even keel than you are on right now. It sounds like you are making some really good choices for yourself right now in terms of seeking treatment and looking to furthering your education. Those are both very demanding commitments and perhaps they need to be your number one priority. Try not to rush into needing to know what the future holds with this girl. Good things come to those who wait and one must be able to stand strong alone to be able to move into sustaining a healthy long term relationship. If you rush things you may well create an unhealthy dependancy for yourself and put her into a position of feel obliged to supporting you rather than drawn to be with you. Just my thoughts.

I wish you well in whatever choices you make. You have a long life ahead and plenty of time and plenty of dreams to live. Take good care of you.

and yes the (((()))) are virtual hugs. cute hey! lol

It is true, its not something I want to hear. I really at least want to get it on track because we broke up 6 months ago, and I miss her real badly. If she wants to just have better general relations with me (as opposed to now where she feels unenthusiastic, and that I'm constantly negative) like she says she does, then I really want to get started on that. I have a hard time concentrating on anything else besides her no matter how hard I try (its part of why I lost my job). I can accept if we get our general relations back on track, showing her all the things that she felt I was missing as positives when we broke up, and then we slowly make our way to addressing any possible romantic relationships, even if in the long run they don't pan out. I can't accept me waiting, and her deciding she wants to try a relation with someone else just for the experience, and me not ever wanting to talk to her again despite loving her so much. Its a delicate balance, I just want to get this one going in the correct direction because it means so much to me.

I really wish you were sitting here with me because I think it would be easier to say and explain all of this. But I have to say, and this isn't going to be easy to hear, but it sounds like she loves you because of the past and because of that she is trying to be gentle on your feelings. I don't see that she does want to be with you anymore and unfortunately, from what you said at least, it looks like she has been saying somethings that give you false hope out of her desire to not hurt your feelings too much. I know it sounds harsh, but first loves do usually hurt. My god, I'm 34 and I still hurt when I think about how I lost my first love (he had a traumatic brain injury and lost a lot of memories). I, to this very minute, miss him desperately and its been like 16 years since we were together. I miss him even though I'm happily married. I guess my point is that maybe, for your own sake, you seriously need to consider moving on past your ex-girlfriend. First of all, you are trying to cope with mental illness that you are just starting to get treatment for, so maybe you should spend some time getting yourself into a good place. Secondly, there are zillions of women out there. I know you think right now you could never love anyone else, but I promise you can. You've got to give yourself the chance to experience something other than her and constantly reliving and regretting the past. I don't mean any of this to be harsh, but you have to be realistic. You talk about being logical and analytical, but from what I read, you are looking at this relationship from purely an emotional perspective.

I wish you happiness and I hope that things work out ok for you.

I'm a realistic person. I've thought about it a lot. A lot a lot. The thing is she means so much to me. I have a lot easier time dealing with my depression than I do with my relationship issues because everything is a lot more black and white. I have had a lot of people (including myself) tell me I should move on. I think the things that bother me the most is that I feel like she didn't break up with ME persay. I mean, I know she did, but what I'm trying to say is I feel like If I didn't become depressed we would have been great. I mean she went from telling me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (marriage), to not being able to kiss me. One thing changed, I became sick. She broke up with me because she couldn't take the effects of my mood and behavior due to it. I just want to see if me getting back to being me will help the situation more.

When ever I've told myself that I should move on, it was usually because of 2 things. 1) I'd be mulling over our relationship, and I would get mad at her for breaking up with me when I was sick. I don't want this because that means our relationship would be permanently damaged. or 2) I'd be upset imagining her dating someone else, which is just really an extension of 1.

Sometimes I just think "You just want a relationship, and since you aren't in any sort of social circle (I'm not in school, and don't have a car) you are turning to something you've had." But I sit there and think, and when I do I ask myself, Do you want to be dating someone, or do you want to be dating her. Its always the latter.

So anyways. I know it may not be the best emotional course of action. And I realize there is a good chance she is trying to let me down softly (although she has been really adamant about not giving me false hope, she says it all the time, which Ironically makes me believe this more because she wouldn't give me hope for something that has 0% chance of happening.) And until that reaches 0%, or I eventually move on, I'm going to pursue it. At the very least, we still have our friendship.

Sorry I'm so stubborn, but I'm a really loyal person (I have very few, but close knit friends) so I can't let go, not just yet.

At least I'm acknowledging it eh?

You are acknowledging it and that's a great thing. I think in some ways you have a very mature and healthy attitude about everything. I can understand not wanting to let go, so I am not going to harp on that. The one last thing I will say, and this is not to take hope away from you, but if someone leaves when you are sick, they wouldn't last anyway. You know marriage vows say "in sickness and in health". There is nothing wrong with her deciding she cannot handle the sick you (other than how badly it hurts), but it does show that she's not at a place where she CAN handle all of you, the sickness and the healthy. Depression is a hard beast to beat. Its very hard for others to stick around for. The person you need to be with is someone who can, out of deep love for you, sick with you THROUGH sickness.

Again, you have a good attitude in general, and I think you know in your heart and in your head what you really need to do. Its just going to take some time to accept it.

Well without trying to defend her too much, I didn't really realize at the time I was sick. We both just kinda assumed I was being lazy, or was acting weird, or was just generally unhappy with being away at school.

As far as Heart VS Head. I admit I am biased towards my heart in this instance (Points to username), however the "Head" part of it can't see the harm in trying my damnedest to fix things with her, because I feel like it happened over something that can be fixed. My head see's it as "remove the problem, which is something detrimental anyways, then attempt to heal wounds, and forge back that relationship. We were always good at these kind of things as a couple. If she doesn't want to do that, then well, it will be easier for me to handle than if we didn't try. The fact that she still cares about me, and we've talked about this and made some progress. I can accept if she can't fall for me again, but I need to make sure its ME she isn't falling for, not some shell of who I am. I don't think that is unreasonable...

On another note:

I'm going to my psychiatrist for a follow up Wednesday. Do you think I should bring some sort of copy of what I have written in the OP and later posts. I feel like I could better express exactly how I feel now and how everything happened now that I've had time to think about it as a whole. Also I'm planning on going to my local was a community, but recently upgraded to a state college, and handing in some info, my transcripts, and hopefully get signed up for classes, and get my Financial Aid. That will be a bunch of major burdens lifted off me at once. I think with the help of my meds and as long as I concentrate, these gen ed classes are going to be a breeze.