I find myself feeling depressed today, and since things have been going well, I couldn't figure out why. My very first post at this site elaborates on how much I hate the question, "What are you depressed about?" Still, I had to ask myself exactly that question. I knew something was causing it. I just didn't know what.

First I looked at biological things. I am taking my meds. My antidepressant has been changed fairly recently, but I've had time to adjust. My psychiatrist told me just yesterday (when I was feeling pretty well) that with Cymbalta, they've found that higher doses don't work any better than lower ones, so an increase doesn't appear to be in order.

Since I'm diabetic, for my next investigative step I checked my blood sugar. It was much higher than it should have been. OK, that could be a factor. I ate a no-carb lunch and administered insulin. It's still pretty high, but coming down. Some hyperglycemic episodes can even mimic psychosis. Sure, being higher than I should be can affect things.

But is that all?

The weather? It's overcast, but not raining and not extremely cold. I am affected by cloudy, gloomy skies. It could be another factor.

I looked at yesterday, and recalled my recent post on feeling a fraud when I performed so competently at the clubhouse I've just joined. In fact, due to physical exhaustion, I sat today out. Getting up and going out every day is going to take some getting used to. After the clubhouse, I had a p-doc appointment followed by a mindfulness class. All that in one day. Still caring for a convalescent cat, I hadn't slept the night before last, and hadn't gotten enough sleep last night. It seemed safest to catch up on my rest, and go in again tomorrow.

Physical exhaustion can be a contributing factor also.

Plus, the feeling of fraud. I remember being in college, and my mother telling me it didn't matter how well I did in class or how many straight A's I made. I'd never get a good job because "nobody's going to want someone your size to be their corporate image." This was her standard reply to any career dream I had. "Airline stewardesses are always very slim." "Look at this business publication. You don't see any CEO's with a weight problem." Etc. My mere body size seemed to disqualify me for everything. But this is a long-term issue. Why am I depressed *today*?

Then when I came here, and commented on someone's continued grieving in the loss of her service animal three years ago, it came to me.

Tomorrow is Jessica's day. It's the 22nd anniversary of the day she, my third daughter, died as a baby. Two months old, from SIDS. A parent never stops grieving. We get "through" it. We don't get "over" it.

I now believe I have perfectly legitimate reasons to feel as I do, in spite of the fact that things have been going so well for me. My second daughter Tiffany is coming for a visit in a couple of hours--that was previously arranged--and this last sentence was interrupted by my husband's check-in call from work. Both of these help. And I *will* go to the clubhouse tomorrow, since I feel I should not be alone.

Hubby had a moment of alarm when I told him what was going on with me. I was just in the hospital last month, when my medication had to be changed. Since I told him I was feeling depressed, and why, and that I felt I shouldn't be alone tomorrow, he feared I was going to have to go back to the hospital. No. I'm taking care of it now, before it gets to that point. And this is how, although it is an illness, people can manage their symptoms and not say, "Well, I have a medical condition, there is nothing I can do about my feelings."

Thanks, all, for being here and for understanding depression.

Sorry about Jessica. (((((((((( LovebirdsFlying )))))))))))

Great job of analyzing and dealing with your feelings. Kudos to you.

[VickiesPath]

((((((( LovebirdsFlying )))))))

[Tumnus]

Way to be proactive!