[constantlyfalling]

Everything is so dark. It's always hard to make myself get out of bed, yet it is near impossible to fall asleep, and when I do nightmares interrupt my sleep. I never feel anything, I am a walking zombie...emptiness, sadness, et cetera...martial arts is the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge. Yet I feel like I am. I keep cutting deeper and deeper, have tried to stop but its only getting worse. it's hard to believe that i'll ever be succesful. a good future is so far away, I can't reach it. My dorm room is a mess so much that it is hard to move around but i dont have the motivation to clean it, or do my laundrey....i want out of this but refuse to take meds because of their side effects...the world is spinning, everything feels so unreal, I don't know what to do

[starrina]

Aww I am sorry you are feeling so lost and alone I do
understand everything you say,do you enter competions
with your martial arts perhaps you can try take it to the next step
as for your room can you try to do just one small section a day.
Do you have a therapist,did you know that some meds
do have side effects but after they get into your body
you know after a period of time those side effects
will no longer be an issue I am on one that makes my body have these jerking movements but I would rather that them the opposite
can you talk about all of this to a counseller a school one
maybe this would help to Stay Safe

[Tamale]

since you are in college you might have the opportunity to see safe, free, confidential counselor or psychologist
my school was very, very good about confidentiality and making me feel comfortable in calling to make appts. they had a psychiatrist for meds and although I never took them, it was available if I needed it.
it's hard to make the first call, but if you just call and say " i think i need to talk to a counselor, can a i make an appt." they should help you out.
plus, it should be free or very cheap
I hope you are feeling better soon.

[constantlyfalling]

Originally Posted by starrina

Aww I am sorry you are feeling so lost and alone I do
understand everything you say,do you enter competions
with your martial arts perhaps you can try take it to the next step
as for your room can you try to do just one small section a day.
Do you have a therapist,did you know that some meds
do have side effects but after they get into your body
you know after a period of time those side effects
will no longer be an issue I am on one that makes my body have these jerking movements but I would rather that them the opposite
can you talk about all of this to a counseller a school one
maybe this would help to Stay Safe

I just dont like the idea of putting personality altering pills in my body. its a crutch. so whatever happiness i got would be fake. and i dont have money so i cant do therapy.
kinda....i have two huge martial arts events coming in february, where i travel someplace to train for three days straight, 2 hours, a break, 2 hours, all the way up until midnight...and the ppl there are really fierce and its going to be intense so i want to try to not have any cuts then, even as it is now i am not sure the one i did last night will be completely healed by then :/

[constantlyfalling]

Originally Posted by Tamale

since you are in college you might have the opportunity to see safe, free, confidential counselor or psychologist
my school was very, very good about confidentiality and making me feel comfortable in calling to make appts. they had a psychiatrist for meds and although I never took them, it was available if I needed it.
it's hard to make the first call, but if you just call and say " i think i need to talk to a counselor, can a i make an appt." they should help you out.
plus, it should be free or very cheap
I hope you are feeling better soon.

I dont know...I doubt it would help, probably it would just make the problem worse :/

[starrina]

Ok please do not take this the wrong way but you sound
defeated even before you have given anything a chance
what would they say if they saw your wounds can you
come up with a resonable excuse about it or if need be
and I am not encouraging here but find somewhere
you can do it and they would be hidden by your clothing
many people with depression etc do what you do but like I said
I am not encouraging it by any means. A school counsellor should be free and no one said do it now hun maybe when you get back
in the meantime why not call a crisis line these people
are trained to some degree so they can assist you.
Remember Above All Else Stay Safe.

[constantlyfalling]

well i wear a gi which is longsleeves so it wouldnt be that obvious. im just worried about that we do blocks and sparring and stuff and it will be intense so i want to try to not have fresh cuts because it would be embarrassing if they started bleeding during training, that has happened to me before :/ but i dont know if i'll be able to not do it.