[Miss Laura]

Been to Doc's..... I have another 3 wks off work.

I went in and just blurted it all out. I am not coping in work at all despite having support there. I am not eating, washing, changing clothes. I am struggling to get up in the morning. My OCD has came back with a vengace. I feel guilty when I don't wash/shower and scrub like mad when I do shower.

My friends are all worried and I am in denial when I say "Im fine" I am sometimes "fine". I am just really unsure what I feel now. I am having dreams about my funeral but I do not feel suicidal. My friends are a wee bit worried about me being in flat on my own etc. But I am fine. I have my support network and the samaritians if I feel really bad. I am in contact with the samaritians too as I am just needing someone neutral like you guys here to see if its my depression or my paranoia thats kicking in.

So anyways 3 wks off. I am back on my Birthday but I am actually on holiday so it will be 4 wks being off

I am just scared and unsure

What does your therapist say?

[Miss Laura]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

What does your therapist say?

I haven't spoke to my counsellor since November since she off sick

[lonegael]

(((((((MissLaura)))))))))at least you have a little more time. Are you scared about your job or about what is happening with the depresion? HUggs

[Miss Laura]

Lonegael,

I am scared of everything. I am scared of losing it, having no money, having no job. I just can't seem to figure out what I am suppose to be or act like. I am scared of people thinking I am not coping/I am coping/I am faking it/I am being stupid/I am not worth it the list goes on....

I just don't know if I can do it anymore, life would be easier if I didn't admit I had a problem in the 1st place

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

I just don't know if I can do it anymore, life would be easier if I didn't admit I had a problem in the 1st place

Believe me, lying to yourself is not any easier. This sucks, inside and out.
It's by admitting the problem that you can face it. I hope things get better soon.

[Miss Laura]

I was doing fine until I started crying in October. Since then I have been diagnoisised with depression, my ocd has worsened, I am talking to myself again, I have had 5 wks off work, been back for 2 wks and now I am off again for 3 wks. I am dreading everyday as its as bad if not worse than the day before

[Miss Laura]

Now I am like an emotional wreck, I am finding it harder and harder to be "me" amd am sinking lower and lower into my patterns of dwelling and self critisism

Is your therapist back? If not, maybe someone else could see you? It is as good a time as any to stop this downward spiral.

Good luck.

[Miss Laura]

No still waiting on my Area Manager to get back to me about my counsellor. I just need something

[lonegael]

Miss Laura, it's not the diagnosis doing this to you, but the disease is getting worse (like, no duh) . can you try leaning on them and telling them what you told us? mayber tey will hurry things along if they knew you were getting worse so quickly. It's not a matter of coping, it's amatter of getting the right care. For some reason that doesn't sound like it is hapening. HUGGS and waiting to hear how it works out.

[Miss Laura]

Lonegael,

Thank you so much for speaking to me on here. I am needing desperately to speak to someone. I am on-going with the samaritians and I have also opened up honestly to my friends. 1 of my friends suggested I go back to my back massages as they always calm me down and help re-store me. Another friend suggest our local mental health team they have drop ins and 1:1's etc I have emailed them. I still haven't heard anything from my Area Manager about my counsellor. I just cant afford to pay myself or I would

Yesterday I was pretty bad, a couple of my friends thought I may be suicidal but I wasn't they were pretty worried. But I managed to convince them and myself I was fine.

My ocd is the one that is getting to me more so. As my hands are all sore and cuts and bleeding due to constant washing

[Miss Laura]

Guys just wondering,

I am on another forum- unconnected to depression. I have beentalking to 1 of the women on there and she also suffers from depression.

However she mentioned this to me and I am wondering if I am or not- Do I have Bi-Polar Disorder. The reason she came to this conclusion is because I have been acting out of character. Example I had been at my friends wedding and I was with my then boyfriend. However we broke up while at wedding(too much details that is not needed) and I had sex with another guy. I called my friend who was back home and she was shocked. She said to me that it was completely out of character for me as I am not "normally" like that.

The woman I am in contact with says I do sound like I have Bi-Polar Disorder as I am high and low. I am also not sleeping again and am hyper. I talk so fast people just don't understand what the hell I am saying sometimes

Any ideas, therioes, anything at all will be helpful??!!

[Miss Laura]

Another 3 weeks off and my med has been upped. My doc says next time I come we will look at changing my meds or giving me sleeping tabs for a week and thats it no more sleeping pills after that week as she does not like giving them out- this is if I do not sleep. I have been upped to 30 mg of Mirtazipine. I am now on day 3 and I have slept pretty well but I am shattered through out the day. I have a meeting on Monday with my new manager to discuss my options for returnng back to work.

I am now seeing my counsellor too. I had my 1st session on Wednesday. We have booked 3 more sessions together as she thinks we need to work intensely together- which I am a bit scared of. She says that I seem to be disillutioned but everything and everyone and that I am aiming too high for myself and for other's which I agree with. She says I am "faking" being happy as I don't like people to see that I am ill and needy as I have always been the "agony aunt" in my group of friends and now its me who is needing help but don't want it at the same time.

Its all weird but I am hoping I will get over this little obstacle that has came in my way

My boss(flat mate) told my new Manager and Area Manager that I have another 3 weeks off. Both my Boss and Area Manager said that it was a wise decison, however my Manager said "I spoke to her the other day on the phone and she seemed upbeat" My Boss and Area Manager said "Laura puts on a front to people as she doesn't want people to see the real Laura, the one that is unwell and needs help" I guess this is true. But how can I tell my new boss who I am and what I am if (a) I don't know who or what I am and (b) tell a total stranger who I have never met how I feel??

[lonegael]

Oi, first, it's good that folks are getting the picutre, second, it's maybe not so cool that it is common news, or how do you feel about it? What you are (besides human and female) isn't so much important for them to know as how you are feeling and how that is affecting your ability to function.
last time, you mentioned bipolar, but I think you should ask your talk doc and Pdoc about that and be evaluated properly. Moodswings can be caused by everythingthing from lack of sleep to stress to thyroid problems, and you don't want to jumpt to conclusions. Sorry to hear about the hubby. that sounds like a situation that would have a lot of people acting strangely.
Hang in there, hon. You don't have to be the strong one all the time. It's ok to ned someone to lean on sometimes. Huggs

[Miss Laura]

Lonegael,

My flat-mate who is my boss told my Area Manager and my Manager as I couldn't get through to any of them on the phone. They are the 3 of the 5 that need to know in work. The other 2 will be told in time.

I think a lot of things are going through my head and its all jumbled up. I don't think I have Bi-Polar. This was throwen into the equation. But I don't think so, did a load of research and I don't think its me.

I can't figure out who I am or what I am and I know its terrible referring to myself as that but I can't help it. You forget what your body language says about you too. Think working with my counsellor will help me, I am willing to give things a try. My counsellor said that I am not dismissing anything that she has said we could do. I said I am here to get better and to take on board and learn from what she is saying etc. I haven't got the answers so I am hoping she does.

I find it hard to admit I am needing help and I just mask it with my smile and say ye everythign si fine, when its not. I had to on a scale 1-10 say where I would put myself faking it with my family/friends/work/flate mates/myself. I rated mostly 8 and was asked why I fake it and said "Cause I don't want people to think I am faking it or milking it for all I can get" My counsellor said I am not faking or milking anything. I am genuinely unwell and I should try and see that I am ill and need help and support and advice. But its so bloody hard to say that to people who have always thought and known you to be "fine" and "smiley" and "happy" argh!!!!!!!

Simply say you have some personal problems you are dealing with and change the subject.

[Miss Laura]

Ye TheByzantine, will have to say something like that