[Inky]

I feel like I want to get it all out, but I can't find anything meaningful to say. I'm too tired, too depressed to even say anything that matters.

I post here and in the anxiety forums, but I should just pick one, since my anxiety and depression are so intertwined.

This guy on some stupid site keeps telling me how he thinks about me all the time, how important I am to him, and sometimes it's nice to hear, and sometimes it just nauseates me, because he doesn't know me, and if he did, he wouldn't like me.

I tell people that I don't want anything to do with anyone, but it's only half true. I know how people are. I don't want it. I also don't expect anyone to pick up this mess my life is in and make it better, because you don't go into a relationship looking for someone to help you. You go in as a whole person, able to hold up your end of the relationship. I can't do that. I'll never be able to do that. I am permanently cracked, mentally and physically.

But deep down, I feel that all men are the same. I have this feeling like they tell you what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want, and what they want isn't anywhere near what I want. I don't want anyone being stone drunk every weekend and making me feel like I live with a rapist. I don't want anyone threatening to skin me. I don't want to know I'm so much less important than his friends that I can take the bus home on a three-day trip when I'm six months pregnant, but he'll give his buddies plane fare home without even asking me.

The idea of being in a relationship makes me want to throw up...

... but the idea that I'm stuck here, paying the rent and the bills and never leaving the house except to work, that's almost as bad.

In a little over twenty minutes, I have to go to work.

They'll wonder, like they always do, why I'm so serious and quiet. Why I'd like to just be able to come in and do my job and be left alone and go home. Why I'd like to be treated with deference after three years in the Army and married to a sociopath, hearing that I'm worth less than a terrorist and how my own husband isn't jealous because I'm too ugly to attract anyone else.

I'm going to be near tears all day again, and they'll be surprised when someone says something stupid and thoughtless and I have to take a break to get myself together.

I'll leave the room and they'll talk about how the poor stupid home schooler never got any socialization skills, which is absolute bull but that's what they think.

And if I try to stand up for myself, to let them know the whys behind why I'm this way, it will only give them more ammunition and more reason not to like me. Oh, she's such a ---damn downer.

I'd take my b12 vitamin, but that makes me want to throw up, too.

[thine_self_untrue]

((((((((((((((((((((Inky))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Man, I hate the poor stupid homeschooler sterotype. Shoot me down before I say anything. Explain everything I do away with 'my inadaquate socialization'.

Just a thought- maybe now is not the time to enter a relationship? Only you can answer that question, but maybe just wait and see what comes along? Hold out for the kind of man and the real love you want. There are decent guys out there. You are worth a man who will love you the way you deserve and who will see more than skin-deep. I hope you can believe that.

[lynn P.]

Sorry you feel so down. It's normal when you've suffered from a very bad relationship, to feel bitter and angry - I've felt like that myself. I hope you'll be able to work through it and be in a better place.