[Elana05]

When I wake up feeling stressed I go on my computer and comb the job listings. Then I end up crying. It is like the feeling of having to do something but that thing just makes life seem pointless. My partner says that there are people that actually like their jobs. I know there are people who can study something that interests them and then little by little take small steps to go to school, then intern and eventually find a job that interests them. I think it is very quaint. That is very nice for these people. I feel angry, exhausted and sad. I cannot make money and I am worthless. My parents have never liked their jobs and my mother let me know every day by coming home and drinking herself into a stupor. She left every job eventually, even if it seemed like a good one to me and my dad only teased her for it and told her she couldn't ever hold down work. Jobs are necessary but are meant to kill you slowly. I "know" this isn't true but I cannot get myself to understand anything else. Life is like a foreign language to me. I am good at keeping up my house, and taking care of things inside. I cannot venture out to work. It only makes my heart so heavy I cannot function.

Hello, Elana05. What does your partner think about you staying home?

[Elana05]

Today was just a bad day. It's not that I don't go out. For the most part I have been functioning well. I have only been out of work for 1 year. My partner just wants me to feel better. Apparently sees something in me that I don't and thinks I should go back to the work I enjoyed doing in college (by eventually getting back into school). Partner has suffered from major depression in the long-ago past (worse than mine) and knows how debilitating it is. I am ready to take $8 an hour (medical service driver) job because I feel numb about it -apathetic, whatever. Partner says this kind of pay might not even make that much of a difference, so would it be worth the stress? Says to maybe focus on taking care of myself. Thanks for response. Will take it to T.

[turquoisesea]

wishing you good luck

[BashfullOne]

I'm glad to hear that you are going to talk to your T about this. If you don't feel the job is for you, then by taking it you will only make yourself misserable. Maybe you have a talent and can do something at home? I like to scrap book and crochet - I make money by doing scrapbooks for others. It's fun and I enjoy it a lot. I'm not always busy with it - it goes in cycles and my husband is okay with it. But I'm agoraphobic, along with being Bi Polar II, and suffer awful panic attacks, and parnoia. I can't work outside the home. If you have a certain skill and like what it is, you could profit from that - persoanally and financially; such as cleaning houses. I hope I was able to help somewhat. You'll know when the right job comes along. There is something out there for you. You can break the pattern your parents started... You sound strong! Best of luck!!