[DdDCcC]

I was diagnosed with major recurrent depression back in October and I can honestly say that I never thought I would ever have to fight myself so hard to stay alive. My doctor started me on citalopram immediately. He had to up my dose in November but later on decided that it wasn't working well enough. I've now been on Mirtazapine for 3 weeks. I just wish everything would stop.

Sometimes when I really low I find comfort in lying on the floor. I need to lie on the floor. I lie on the floor and time seems to stand still and I wish it would. It feels like the entire world is moving forward and I'm just stuck there. I can't move and I can't even breathe. I just need it all to stop! My spiral downwards to actually being bad enough to go to the doctor's took place over years and I'm absolutely terrified. Terrified that the world has been moving while I'm just stuck there. Terrified of having to cope with the fact that I'm so behind other people I can't even see them anymore. And I despise myself for being terrified. Despise myself for being a coward but I just want to hide away.

I just want to cry. I'm exhausted and sometimes I wonder if going through all this is worth it. When I first broke down I thought I had gone crazy. I didn't even know what I was feeling all I knew was that I was going out of my mind. Drowning from it all. I couldn't breathe. I had to force myself to breathe because it felt like it would stop if I didn't. I was desperate and I just wanted it to stop. Now most of my emotions have died down to what I'm used to and all I know now is that I'm tired. What's on the other side that makes this worth it? All I can see is actually having to deal with everything I wrecked during my depression. All the things I couldn't be bothered with because I had no interest and was too tired. And what happens if this is it? This is the way I'll be feeling for the rest of my life? I wish it would just go away or that I could disappear.

I've been to the counselor and still see her every week. I go to my doctor. I talk to my friends. I try to exercise. I force myself to eat healthily although I would rather just lie in bed forever. I try to attend my classes. I speak to our supportive tutor frequently. I talk to my chaplain at least once a week. Whatever they ask I tell and go beyond what they ask. I've taken my medication as prescribed although I hate pills. I have done everything exactly according to the book and I should know being a medical student ironically enough. It's not working. And now I'm just tired. So very very tired.

I just wish everything would stop.

What you describe has to be incredibly difficult. Have you impressed upon your doctor and therapist the treatment is not working? Perhaps you might copy your post for both of them?

My thought is for you to call one of them today to tell him/her you are going through hell and need help now.

Good luck.

[No_longer_sane]

I feel exactly the same way, have done for a while, but you need to tell the doctor that the pills arent working, tell him exactly how you feel and that you need help. He/she can offer you support. Hope you feel better soon, PM me, Id love to talk, take care x

[Psyched]

I know exactly what you're going through. All I can tell you is what my last Pdoc said to me when I asked him to give me one reason not to kill myself, b/c I didn't think I had anything to live for & was so tired of the pain: "You never know what's around the corner." Those words are what has kept me alive.

[DdDCcC]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me! Sometimes I find it hard to believe that things will improve but you never do know what's around the corner! Getting completely better by tomorrow would be a nice thing to be have waiting around the corner

Originally Posted by Psyched

I know exactly what you're going through. All I can tell you is what my last Pdoc said to me when I asked him to give me one reason not to kill myself, b/c I didn't think I had anything to live for & was so tired of the pain: "You never know what's around the corner." Those words are what has kept me alive.

[DdDCcC]

How are you doing today? He just started me on a new medication. I'm just really lost because I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling. Are they supposed to make me feel better or simply make my bad days less bad?

I'm new to this thing. How do you PM somebody? It would be really nice to talk Take care.

Originally Posted by No_longer_sane

I feel exactly the same way, have done for a while, but you need to tell the doctor that the pills arent working, tell him exactly how you feel and that you need help. He/she can offer you support. Hope you feel better soon, PM me, Id love to talk, take care x

Hello, DdDcCc. Each medication needs to be ingested for a period of time before becoming efficacious. I will suggest again that you call your psychiatrist's office to ask about how you should feel. Please also explain you are not doing well. You need relief.

To private message someone, click on their moniker, contact info and send a private message.

Please keep on posting. Good luck.