I can't hide anymore

I can't handle feeling this way anymore and not having my family know that I've got a problem.

So, I've taken the advice of my T and other people here on PC and taken all the posts I've written and e-mailed them to my sisters.

Once they read it they will know that I've been living a lie for the last couple of years and that I've been completely sad for a long time. I won't be able to hide behind saying I'm ok and that everything is fine.

I'm really really scared about what my family is going to say. I'm kinda freaking out. I kinda wish I could take the e-mail back, but I just know I can't take it anymore. I hate my life the way it is right now.

Totally freaking out!

((((Lostforevermore))))

Thank you for sharing. I know that you are scared from what you have done but I think you did it for a good reason. Telling those closest to you is often times the hardest to do. Especially when you have been hiding it and are not sure of their reaction. But I am proud of you for doing what you felt you needed to do.

I can relate, only mine is not for telling them about what I have been going through, but I wrote a letter confronting my family on what they are doing and saying and the way it is making me feel. I was scared to death and to be honest still am. When I mailed the letter to my sister, I was so afraid and for an instant wanted to somehow get the letter back. I withdrew and got very silent for the first few days and as I realized that they had probably gotten the letter I knew that what I did needed to be done. I am still afraid now but know that what I did was a good thing.

I think in a few days you will be able to calm down. I know you do not know what their reaction will be but you have opened the door for them to possibly support you. I know though that it is scary doing something for the first time. Please remember to breath and to know that you did nothing wrong. Please keep posting here and letting us know how you are doing. Know we care and are here for you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

...if all right

Along with dps, I offer my support and understanding.
Jme, but freaking out/experiencing fear whenever we take this major step of self care is actually normal. It's scary when we make that healthy decision to stop keeping secrets...

When I stopped communication between myself and my sisters, it gave me great relief...after I went through the spell of guilt/shame/worry if I had done the right thing.
Yeah, I did the right thing
It was a choice between continuation of their abusive actions or taking care of myself by telling them I would no longer accept it.

Again, jme,but you are making a big change in taking care of yourself...but in all honesty, you cannot continue with the way things are, right?
You have to be your number one priority, you have every right to feel peace in your mind...and it will come to you.

In Peace

Lfm, GOOD JOB! You had the courage to do something good for yourself...i wish I could email a sib or something, but honestly, i've realized that there isn't anyone in my family to turn to. not now at least, i'm stuck in a bad position.

but anyway, keep us posted on their responses, and i know you must be a little freaked out, but hey, i told my teacher about it, and i was shocked that i could do that! but she helped me, and my c. is awesome! life is balanced a little more..life's a little better too.

i'm sure your family will support you, i don't see why not!

but i'm serious, you've done a good thing lfm!

Good for you.

Whether your family supports you or not, you have done a very good thing for yourselve. Just don't undo it by expecting your familie's support or that anyone will understand. If they do, that's great. If not, that is THEIR problem. Do see it as a reflection on you.

It is hard to feel misunderstood and unloved by family or friends but sometimes big changes are needed in our lives for us to starting feeling better. I hope this helps you and goes well for you. But if not, stand your ground and don't let anyone guilt trip you or diminish your feelings. You are as important as anyone else and have a right to be happy.

So my sister has called to talk to me and she wants me to come to MI to hang out with her and she wants to talk. She wanted to know what I was doing this weekend. I told her that I have to hang out with my cousins because I promised them I would. I told her I can't come to MI. She tried to talk me into going over and I said No that I can't break my promise. So she is coming here to chicago tonight and she wants to talk and hang out. She said she will drag me out of the house if she has to to hang out. I don't know what to do. She will be here in chicago by 5 or after cause that is when I told her I get out of work. She is coming here today so "she can help fix the problem". She was saying stuff like we need to talk to fix this. She says "I know some of the reasons why you're feeling like this is because of me and we need to talk. I know both of us have problems (she has also been fighting depression) and we seems to be having some of the same problems and so we should talk." (She has always been very vocal about her problems in my family and everyone knew that she had problems with depression. She was always screaming and fighting and threatening to commit SI. My parents were always having to deal with her. So I guess that's one of the reasons why I never told my family that I've been this depressed. I didn't want to burden my family more than I had to)

I don't know..so far I'm not getting what I want from her. I guess I'm expecting too much and that they would understand and give me the help I needed. I guess I have to be patient. So far talking to her and having her know is making me feel worse. She keeps talking about how it's because of her that I feel this way and as soon as we talk I would be better.

I really don't know how she can help me when so far she is either making me feel worse or making me feel as if my problems can be easily fixed. That I've just not been trying hard enough to make it better. She says that my problem is that I always think negative and that I need to start thinking positive and everything will be better. That makes me soo angry. Like I haven't tried that before. Why the hell didn't I think of that. Think positive and I'll be all better.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how ready I am to talk about this in person with my sister and my family. I'm kinda regretting telling them...I'm scared about what's going to happen when I get home and my sister is waiting for me so we can talk.

I'm kinda thinking what would happen if I just don't go home today.

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. It sounds like your sister is being very self centered and if she does have a long standing problem with depression that could be likely. If you feel you can do it, without just trashing yourself emotionally, go ahead and let her visit, let her talk, talk, talk and pour out the advice, then change the subject and end the visit as soon as possible.

Now, she IS not respecting your feelings by coming when you told her you had other plans and would not be available. So if you feel you will be totally draining yourself by letting her over step her boundaries, or even if you just want to start practicing setting boundaries you can call her and tell you will not be available to visit with her until you are able to set up a date sometime in the future when it is good for BOTH of you.

Or you can simply not go home, or go home and tell her you have plans and she should go back home. There's nothing wrong with doing that. She's the one who insisted on coming even though your told her you would be busy. This is her problem, not yours. Good luck.