Another failure.

So, yesterday I was all positive. I told my ex I was ready to get over her, I repaired relationships with some of my friends and family members. I was all ready to just stop drinking and hurting myself for a while. I even ate like 7-800 calories.

But I could never let myself get better. Such a good day must be followed by a bad, it would seem. I wanted so much to find something to prevent me from drinking. No luck. My ex was unhelpful, as always. My friends were nowhere to be found. Family all at work or school or asleep. I was itching for self-destruction. I missed it. After ONE positive day.

My therapist is really helpful. He's a psychotherapist, so it's just talking, understanding what's going on and where it comes from. That's really good for me, because I've been so analytical and logical over the years that I know myself pretty well, but he manages to create new revelations, or justify what I am beyond simply being a **** up.

My ex was pretty much what kept me alive for over 2 years. Now she's moved on. She's so ****ing happy and it kills me because I know I was the thing that kept her down. I'm so ****ing tired of being a burden. I honestly CAN NOT believe that I will get better.

It seems like a ****ing joke. Getting better. Who says that ****? I'm ****ed up, pure and simple. I am the bane of hope. I bring people down. At least dead I they'd have a chance to start healing. This. I can't do this. **** salvation, **** redemption.

I'm broken and I just need to drink 300 calories of rum or vodka and nothing else, and get blood all over the room. My knuckles are still sore from 3 days ago, but I just need to punch something hard until it breaks or I do. I laugh at my one positive day. I mock it.

Happiness is ignorance to problems. Courage means not knowing how weak you are. Hope is make-believe. Life is meaningless to me, and all I cause is harm. I'm ****ing poison.

Do you want someone to argue with you?

I relate to your feelings of things never getting better, but I think the reality is that things do get better, everything passes. If you want to get better I think you can do it. It's just not quick and it'll be up and down along the way. You're already in therapy so that shows you're actively trying to get better.

I hope your mood can improve again and you'll get that positiveness back with some work x

You've got alot going on! Have you considered meds?

Wow...I really hope you find relief very soon!

I like a good argument if you use logic. Obviously I'm not going to get any reinforcement here, so I guess I must be looking for opposition. It's not like I've actively thought out WHY I would post here. I did try to get my account deleted some weeks ago, to no avail.

Basically, I'm ranting, because I don't want to throw my hopelessness on my very few friends.

I say rant away! And yeah there was a reason you posted here. In the meantime it sounds like something to help you relax and concentrate more would work very well for you. Already you know whats going on in your life, just haven't found a fix yet. Would you consider a med short term to help you?

Hey, you know when you said things won't get better? I beg to differ on the basis that I believe you have been through depression enough times to know that the depression will not last. Hang in there and you might want to have your meds checked as soon as possible.

Nucking, I've been this way, and only ever gotten worse, for over seven years, since 15 or so. It is not temporary. Envision and Flagwriter, I'm already on meds. They've helped, certainly. I'd be dead a year ago without them. Trouble is, my problem is philosophical and self-induced. It's not some chemical issue which can be solved or corrected. I am ****ed up, pure and simple. It's not from trauma or some awful event. I am the one and only cause of my pain.

The only short term chemical fixes I've found are booze and the occasional vicodin. Booze only feels good for a while, then it simply allows one to indulge in their self-destructive urges. Trouble with pain pills: apparently they need food to work! I wasted about 6, because I hadn't eaten for a long while. Threw booze in the mix, to no avail. So, the only short term relief I get is sleep, and now I'm having trouble sleeping.

Explain why your the only cause of your pain. I don't understand that. I think if you could chose to be happy you would. The situation with your ex is no doubt making things worse. Its tough to distance yourself from an important part of your life like that.