[Lostforevermore]

Why?

Why do I hate myself so much?

I hate my life...and it's not like I have a horrible life either... I have a great family who loves me but I can't seem to stop hating myself...

I have been doing everything I can to ruin my life. It all started unintentionally at first..where I stopped really taking care of myself. I stopped going to school. I ruined my opportunity to graduated from college with good grades.

I have ruined my credit...by not paying my bills on time...and now I'm ignoring the calls from the credit companies even though it's was only like $200 I owed. Now it is probably a lot more from the interest. I know that it is wrong and that I could fix it but I don't want to.

I haven't done my taxes yet and I'm not really planning on doing them. I stopped working months and months ago and I haven't really been looking for a new job. I don't care.

I stopped paying my health insurance and now I don't have any even though this is the time I need it. I've been getting sick and every time I do I get happy.

I'm happy that I'm sick...I keep hoping it's something horrible that I won't recover from. When I have a cold I sometimes try to make it worse by not taking care of myself.

I've been having some health problems lately and I keep hoping it gets worse and I get upset when I get better. I think some of the problems I'm having are the results of my failed attempt of SI from a couple of months ago. One that I never told anyone about. One that sometimes I wished hadn't failed and other times am glad that it did.

Why?

Why do I hate myself so much?

[Naturefreak]

Lostforevermore
Why do you hate yourself so much?
I don't know if there is a legimate answer to that question.
I've been there many times myself and make up many reasons why I should hate myself . I can come up with many reasons if I try.
I hope you and I can learn how to love ourselves . I think that is a much better feeling . Take care .

[Lisa Michelle]

I'm sorry you're so low I can relate, I have really low self esteem and a very low opinion of myself! I don't work and I have no self worth.

Do you have anyone who can help you to pay that bill and to help fill in your taxes? I know things like that can feel so overwhelming.

I can't answer why you hate yourself so much (besides low self esteem) but I do think it's possible to feel better about yourself with the right help, and to go on to live a happy (??) life.

x

[Willow13]

(((lostforevermore))) just to let you know, you are worth something to me! You understand what it's like to see yourself falling--most people don't even think about it--they just cover it up.

I've done so many dumb things in my life, but I didn't turn out to be a bad person. You haven't messed up that much at all. Just start where you are! I think if you saw a complete stranger who was in your exact position, you'd have mercy and understanding for them. so please have mercy on yourself. I'll be thinking of you. Also, please let your family help you.

[Lostforevermore]

Originally Posted by Lisa Michelle

Do you have anyone who can help you to pay that bill and to help fill in your taxes? I know things like that can feel so overwhelming.
x

I'm now living with my parents so I don't really have to worry about my bills other the ones I haven't paid off yet. It almost like I don't care what happens. They don't know I'm not working and they still think I have a job. They will be upset if they knew that I've been lying to them about working. So I can't really ask them to help with my taxes. My dad used to do them for me every year and since I can't tell him I'm not working. Since he will notice that I've not made a lot of money when he does my taxes, I've can't ask him to do it this year. I don't really know anyone else who can do my taxes and I don't have money to pay anyone. I don't know how to do it myself. I've never had to do it by myself. I don't really care...

[Willow13]

If you feel up to it, you can go online to the http://www.irs.gov website and they have vendors you can click on to use their free software if you make under a certain amount of money. The software takes you through all the questions, then you submit it online for free.

That's how I do mine. You get your w-2s together and pick one of those vendors. It takes you through all the questions. Then you can put in your bank account routing & account numbers if you want your refund direct-deposited, or put your address for them to mail you a check. I don't think they'll do the state taxes for free--I had to pay $9.95 for that.

If you have trouble, let me know & I'll try to help.

Lostforevermore, are you receiving professional health?

I don't think you hate yourself. I think you are suffering from depression. I have experienced a lot of the same issues you describe in my life. By not paying your bills or working, you are benefiting because you gain free time, give up responsibility and enjoy being rebellious. I think you need treatment for depression, to learn humility, compassion for others, the benefits of maturity and appreciation for what you have and who you are. Depression is a disease and it's treatable; you will learn to be less self-destructive and, if you have an addiction issue, receive treatment. Good luck.

[LoneScout]

I hate my life...and it's not like I have a horrible life either... I have a great family who loves me but I can't seem to stop hating myself...

I know that it is difficult to realize that you may have an organic type of depression, meaning that it is not how you are raised but rather an issue of chemical balance. Once perspective is gained, you then know you are treating an illness. I don't want to go deep here since simply acknowledge that you have an illness is the first step. Please don't Commite SI. There is tons of support, hearts and love for you. I hope in my heart you feel better and can acknowledge where you are so you can grow stronger. UR worth it.
LoneScout

[Mike_J]

I'm not sure about you but I think I figured out why I hate myself.

I hate myself because I hate myself.

Perfect circular logic, also completely flawed logic, but hey if my thoughts made sense I wouldn't be crazy

[SophiaG]

Yes I agree with what lonescout & unhappy guy said. I think what you have is an organic sort of depression. Have you gotten treatment for it? I know it's hard to drag youself off to a doctor initially but it'll be worth it if you can feel happy again.

[Lostforevermore]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

Yes I agree with what lonescout & unhappy guy said. I think what you have is an organic sort of depression. Have you gotten treatment for it? I know it's hard to drag youself off to a doctor initially but it'll be worth it if you can feel happy again.

I've recently started seeing a T and I guess she is helping me. I've been avoiding all my problems before I started seeing her. I've been denying it and not doing anything about it and now I'm starting to face the fact that there is something really wrong. I started posting here on PC soon after I started seeing my T. She is the one who told me about PC. It has helped. Also I have just started taking meds for the first time and hopefully they start working soon.

At least now I know that I have a real big problem and that I can get help for it. Even though I still sometimes feel horrible and hate myself, I haven't wanted to really do something really bad since I've started seeing my T and talking on PC. So THANK YOU TO EVERYONE HERE ON PC!!! I now know I don't want to continue living the way I have been for the last couple of years and that I need help.