[Inky]

I have made up my mind to leave.

I'm going to tell my parents I need a third of my income to save for a car.

I'm going to hope they can continue making the rent, and that my fifty-two-year-old mother can find a job while I save to abandon her and my bipolar father, take away their twenty-one-year-old baby who my mother has traumatized into OCD, and their grandchild, who I will not have raised to become like me, alone and bitter and broken and cynical and hardened against the world because it's hard to support people when you're soft.

I'm going to save for a car and figure out my bills and my debts and start paying them, instead of closing my eyes and wishing them away like my parents always have.

I'm going to work for myself, instead of working to throw money into this ever-widening ditch.

I'm going to try not to think about whether my aging parents are going to end up homeless and starving, and what that means about whether I have a soul or a heart or a thought for anyone but myself.

They'll end up divorced.

My mother will end up with my other sister.

My father may commit suicide.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it to not have to come home every day and pick up the pieces of my sister while pretending I'm not cracked?

Is it worth it to see that when my daughter needs dental work (like my sister does) or glasses (like my sister did, before I bought them) that she gets them?

That when she needs medical attention because her kidneys are infected (a disaster in the making, since she only has one) she doesn't seek comfort in an Internet art community for the seven months it takes of not eating and sucking down water and cranberry juice and wishing fervently for death she gets to see a doctor, like I didn't?

That my sister doesn't get screamed at for doing or not doing things or doing everything or doing nothing, or responding to the texts I send her while I'm at work because surely, says the mind of Mother, the Golden Child who Brings Home Money has better things to do than check up on her useless ***** of a kid sister?

I don't know.

This is lose/lose for everyone but my baby and my sister, who need better lives. Some might say it's for me, but I don't think I'll feel a lot better living with the guilt of abandoning the cause for which I've been the champion since I was born.

In the Army, one of the few useful things I learned is that it doesn't matter much what you choose to do, as long as you make up your mind and stick to the plan.

If it turns out to be the wrong plan, you make the best of it.

You don't vacillate your entire life and do nothing at all because it's safer and more comfortable.

You strap on your flimsy body armor, capable of stopping only five rounds from a nine or two from a rifle, and you get out there and keep your head down and run as fast as you can, and sometimes you have to drag people behind you when they can no longer run for themselves.

And when I go to work tomorrow all I'm going to be thinking about is my homeless or dead parents and my sister taking even more abuse from my mother because we're leaving.

Because every time I try to help I just shoot myself and everyone around me in the foot.

Because every time I've chosen a plan of action and decided to stick to it it turned out to be the wrong plan.

But one more thing the Army taught me is that there's no point in complaining. You're always a volunteer.

It's a choice between staying and going AWOL, and if you stay and you're abused then that's your fault, and if you leave and they hang you that's your fault too, and you just have to decide which option you like better.

Catch 22 is the only catch.

[Puffyprue]

(((((((((((inky))))))))))))

[BashfullOne]

Inky - I think you are making the right desission. You have to think of your daughter and your abused sister. You mother at 52 is not too old to get a job - you can be your father's keeper. They are supposed to be supporting, loving, and giving to you, your sister, and their Grand Daughter.... You need to survive and save those that can be saved. You daughter should not be raised that the household that you talk of - it will scar her for life if you don't do something. Your sister is young enough where she has the chance to change and believe that she does count and that she is a beautiful person, just as you are. You have to survive and that those that are injured with you... You are a Mother, a Sister - also a daughter who should be cherished and loved - when you are abused, you leave that toxic situation instead of taking the risk of being maimed forever. You are doing the right thing, in my opinion. ((((((((((INKY)))))))))))

[SophiaG]

No one ever said life would be easy Inky. It isn't. I know it is hard to make certain decisions at times. <hug>

I've been following your posts and it sounds like your home life is intolerable. It's damaging you, your sister and will damage your daughter as she takes in what goes on around her. You're right, it is a lose-lose situation. I too was brought up to do my duty to my family, accept my responsibilities, and so I too would feel incredible guilt at leaving home not knowing if my parents could cope. I know how hard it will be, and you will beat yourself up with guilt, but your parents are dragging the whole family under with them. You have the chance to save your sister, daughter and self. When you are consumed with guilt for 'abandoning' your dysfunctional parents, look at your sister and daughter blossoming and you will know you did the right thing. I am sure of it!

Sending at this difficult time

*Willow*