[desperate&disturbed]

i haven't triggered but all week i have thought about suicide. i have not triggered but i still want it.. i don't get this at all. is there something wrong with me? i keep thinking about it, all day and night. i am scared of it but at the same time i feel like its the only way to get out of this daily cycle of pain. my life for the longest time has just been coping. i don't want to cope anymore
im being 100% rational is whats scaring me, im looking at this from all angles. it truely scared the crap out of me. but at the same time it could take my pain away.
Is there something wrong with me?
Does it make me a bad person to think about all this even while i know i have people who it would hurt.
What can i do to make these thoughts go away?

[Evening]

You don't have to be triggered to feel this way, sometimes it can happen without you understanding why, trust me, I've been there. Now that I've been diagnosed with PTSD it doesn't happen as often (I guess just having some sort of ANSWER has been a huge comfort for me), but having said that, I do still feel that way sometimes. In fact, just last night I got triggered, and I won't say what I did because I'm not sure what I'm allowed to talk about, but I freaked myself out (it wasn't anything physical, just something I did).
But to make that feeling go away, I don't know. Even if you've been there, even if you know exactly what it feels like, even if you know the thoughts that go through someones head, it's hard to give an answer to solve it. Sometimes it's because the thing you need to get better is something that isn't exactly a quick or logical solution. And if you don't know what the reasons are that have made you feel this way it can be even harder.

It doesn't make you a bad person knowing there are people who would be hurt, when I get suicidal I don't even care, I get so upset and angry that I WANT them to be upset, I want them to think about the fact they never helped me when I needed it but turned their backs instead. Does that make ME a bad person?

I can only give you some suggestions to make you feel a little better, but there is no way to know what will work for you. You can try writing a 'letter' to people you are mad at, no matter how hate filled and angry it is, they will never have to see it, just write it like you are giving them all the crap they ever gave you; you can sleep, I find that when I cry a lot I tend to fall asleep, and I feel more rational when I wake up; if you have the motivation for it you can find something to fill your time- watching tv, cleaning, making something, listening to music, whatever (of course that's IF you feel up for it); you can't vent on here or go on chat and vent there.

You're not a bad person for thinking or feeling anything.

[lynn P.]

((desperate&disturbed)) - I'm sorry you're suffering right now. I understand you're in pain, but it's important to have a safety net, when you're feeling this way. If you're not safe, please reach out for help. It's important to be patient with yourself and wait for these feelings to pass. There's no rush to find a solution to your problems and pain. Sometimes pain can even bring about change. All you need to do at this moment is keep safe and be kind to yourself. You're an important piece in this puzzle of life and there's a reason you're here. Sending peaceful vibes to you.

[desperate&disturbed]

i really don't feel safe, i want everything to get better. this mess i call my life i mean.
i don't see it getting better any other way. every time i seriously think about it, my friends come into my mind and i feel awful. at the same time i think that they would be better off without me. i doubt most people would even care.

evening: thanks for the ideas for coping ill definitely try those
lynn: thanks

If you really don't feel safe, you may want to get to some professional help...You have repeated it a couple of times and you have me a little worried.

I think it's wonderful that you have people in your life that love and care about you.
Still you have these intrusive thoughts.

Are you in therapy? CAn you talk to your therapist about all this?
What about meds?
Reach out--for the sake of all who love you, and for all of us here--(((HUGS)))theo

Desperate and disturbed-----how are you today? What's going on???

[desperate&disturbed]

im not doing too good. the urges are really starting to make me scared.

You are not alone there pal---in bad shape myself today--but, have you thought about contacting a professional? empathy hug to you theo

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by desperate&disturbed

the urges are really starting to make me scared.

Desperate&Disturbed, perhaps your fear is your natural wisdom talking to you. Maybe it's time to talk to someone.

PsychCentral's Suicide and Crisis links page
Doc John's Suicide Resources short list

http://metanoia.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.suicide.org/
http://www.hopeline.com/
http://www.suicideforum.com/

[Radien]

Des darling just hang in there. Many of us would care if you did anything to yourself and it would not be better off for any of us if you acted on those impulses. I care about you so much Des, i think of u as my little brother. I want you to know that and know how few people i truly care for as much as i do for you. You have helped me through so much. If you had not been here i would be so much worse than i am and in who knows what state. If you were to act on your thoughts you wouldn't be here for us when we might need you. I am always here for you Des, all of us pc are and i never want you to forget that, never.

see that? you are loved so much, and needed ---you are a valuable person!

the world needs you--hugs--theo

[desperate&disturbed]

the thoughts are starting to get better. not as frequent.
thanks

sooooo glad!!!!! my artificial plants died, i forgot to pretend to water them.
sick joke-it made me laugh though--hugs!!!! ! theo

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by theodora

sooooo glad!!!!! my artificial plants died, i forgot to pretend to water them.
sick joke-it made me laugh though--hugs!!!! ! theo

LOL that made me laugh Theodora - thanks.

D&D - years to come you'll be glad you hung on. I'm glad you're feeling a little relief. Try to keep busy. Hugs