[Knitnut]

Sorry this is sooooo looong!!

If you are young, like a teen, this may not be the best post for you to read. I don't want anyone to feel that they will be in my place after six decades of pain. It is not true that anyone else would have the same duration I have had. We are all different and our lives evolve differently; no comparison can be made one to the other. I had a horrible childhood, followed by a bad marriage which included an abusive son (who is normal and whole today at age 36,) and...well, just a painful life...one crisis after another.

So, please do not judge or compare your situation by mine!!

Well, I have not been here for a very long time. I have finally had enough meds and dosages added to my regimen that I know I feel 'normal' for the first times in my 61 years!!

As I told my psychologist last week...If this what normal feels like, it is sort of scary and feels a bit abnormal. To not have suicidal thoughts daily, to not want to cry every minute of the day, to not want to crawl into bed and never come out from under the covers, etc. etc. I hate that I must take all of these pills, and their dosage. And, I will add, I do miss that old me, as odd as that sounds.

How did I get to this place, the reason is simple, I found the RIGHT psychiatrist for me. The one prior was more concerned about filling out the practices required form than he was about listening to me and helping me. So, I started with the local 'find a doc' database and search for a doc I thought might be a good mix for me. Then I started calling. How silly to discover that if I wasn't seeing a psychologist in a said group, I couldn't see the groups psychiatrist!!

This was not long after I left in-patient at Johns Hopkins. She is in practice all by herself, does her own thing, so to speak. I remember when I called her office phone many months ago to ask her if she would see me to help monitor my meds. She sounded a bit leery on the phone that day, but having come to know me I believe she is glad I did find her. I would have never thought that simply finding the right doc would make so much difference. I only see her for 15 mins about every three months.

Now I can say, never give up, the right doc is out there!!

I know that the old me is not a good person for me to be; mentally, that is. One of my favorite quotes is one that I have used for many years in the Parkinson's disease community:

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. [Raymond Lindquist] The 'familiar' is different when applied here, than when applied to the PD community.

For me letting go of what has been so familiar for so long...suicidal ideations daily (since 1985 when I attempted, and probably for years before that day,) crying over nothing or simply because someone said "how are you doing?", letting everything that I can perceive send me into a downward spiral... Letting go of the old me feels very strange and hard to describe. But, mostly it is scary!! It is like having a new life, but still being in the old body...so hard to describe. So, I guess I have not yet found the 'courage' that the quotation states.

Now that I am on:

• Nortriptyline (RX'd at Johns Hopkins; one month inpatient in 2008)
• generic Lamictal
• Seroquel

While the Lamictal made a huge difference, it was the recent addition of Seroquel at night that completely turned the tide for me.

This is the part that is most interesting of all. I believe it was a kind of message, a reminder of sorts. During the two weeks prior to the RX for Seroquel I went into a depression spiral unlike anything I have had in many years. It was very bad. So bad that when I visited my psychologist on a Tuesday, I couldn't sit in the chair as usual. All I wanted to do was crawl under the desk and curl up on a ball. I made a couple of statements that day that caused him to finally say to me, "if you say something like that again, I will have to call Crisis Intervention" so I shut up about what I was saying. I didn't want to go back to that damnable local psych unit; a horrible place it is (my psychiatrist told me once that she has heard that from other patients). But, that very night I told my daughter on the phone that after my granddaughter (age 20) went back home the following Monday, I expected to have to check back into the hospital again.

To my relief on Wednesday morning I began to climb back up to the surface again, and my nightfall I was recovered.

So, having such a short time between that horrible bout and today, feeling 'normal,' is where I am now. And, if I haven't already said it a couple of times, it is rather scary after so many decades and the unfamiliarity of it is uncomfortable. How does one find comfort after so many years of misery? I guess I will find comfort one of these days, but it will be a 'work in progress' and I am scared in a whole new way.

Thanks for listening (reading) and bless PsychCentral (Doc John) for this safe place to fall, this message board.

There is hope for all of us!!

I really want to thank you for this thread, I have stated many times, to many how very important it is to find the right Psychiatrist and therapist----

Somehow people keep thinking just seeing a shrink or a therapist is enough-and it's not!
It's as you say- like the right med combination- you have to find the right one for you----there are too many quacky ones out there- or just ones that are in it for money, or just too busy to listen and take the time to truly help each individual.
40 years of therapy- and I've had perhaps 2 Docs that were great for me---and they were back East---Thanks again for posting this, it is of utmost importance--theo

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((bigcasper))))

Thank you for posting and welcome back to the boards. I have missed seeing you around. I am sorry you are finding it hard and so scary I can only imagine. But I am so glad that you have now been able to find some peace. Living with the thoughts of Su for so long is not easy. Finding the right psychiatrist makes a difference as you said.

I am glad that you looked and reached out for what you needed. I was on Lamictal twice now and it was an awsome med but I could not take it as I got the rash both times. But before I got the rash, I found that it did work wonders and I was saddened when I had to be taken off of it. Finding the right meds helps so much for so many people. Right now I take no meds as it does not help with my others within that think they do not need any.

I know that feeling of being there and ready to end it to get out but I am so glad that you seeked out someone, the right someone for you, to help you get back. I cannot imagine living "normal" so to speak. But I hear what you are saying. I am so glad you reached out when you did. It would feel different and abnormal to feel so different after all your life feeling like you did not want to be.

But I am glad that you are here and that you did for you what you needed to do. I can hear you that it is scary letting go of the old you but you are still you just without all the stuff weighing you down everyday. I thank you for posting and for letting us know. I have missed seeing you around and I hope we will get to see more of you again.

Thank you again for posting. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Rohag]

It's good to see you, Bigcasper, and it's GREAT you bring this news! Yay!

Yours is another testimony to the importance of personal chemistry (no pun intended) in therapeutic relationships.

[Abby]

I'm sorry if this reply isn't exactly coherent, i'm not at my best today. You have suffered for a long time with depression, but i was pulled to the title of your post. What is normal? Isn't it strange that depression can become so familiar that when we actually see the sun shining and the bird singing it feels like too much all at once?! I remember when I was starting to improve after a horrid depression period and i started to notice life again all around me, it was amazing but also i felt so detached from it. I'm glad that you have managed to find the right combination of meds and supportive dr to help you reach a safe, if not yet comfortable, place in your life. Best of luck to you.

Thanks for sharing, bigcasper.

[Lisa Michelle]

So lovely to hear that after so many years of not quite getting it right, you've finally found a therapist who helps and that your relationship works!! Also great to hear that your meds are working. I know it's not 'ideal' to be on meds, but don't dwell on it.
You've been through a lot, you deserve to be better now. I hope this new mood continues and you can settle into it and find peace. Thank you for sharing x

[Knitnut]

Thank you all for you comments Yep, this is yet another Bigcasper post...ho hum...what can I do about me...

Here is my personal tale and comments about finding the right docs; psychologist and psychiatrist. Keep in mind I have been in and out of therapy for the better part of 45 years!! I feel today as though I could take the Psych 101 final exam and pass with flying colors.

When I moved to PA in 2005, I went to a diabetes thing the local hospital was putting on (I am a insulin dependent diabetic) and heard a local psychologist speak who is also a juvenile diabetic. I was impressed by him. So, I called the office and got on the waiting list; he is in practice with his wife. After a couple of weeks I received the call that there was now room on his calendar for me.

I began seeing him weekly back then. At first I wasn't sure it he was the right fit for me, but I also knew that this feeling was more about me not feeling good about tossing my issues onto the table, even though I knew I needed to do so or I would not get better.

Shortly after I began with the psychologist I needed RX for something, anything. So, he referred me to the area medical group (two counties) psychiatrist. (I live in a community that is not large and psychiatrist are few and far between.) I saw this guy for the usual 15 minutes meds-only visits, but was never comfortable with him. After a few months he was transferred to another city by the medical group. I was "assigned" to a new psychiatrist. From the get go I was not happy. This guy was more concerned about filling out the requisite medical group form than with listening to me; apparently one form had to be completed for each patient seen. I was put on yet another antidepressant.

I told my psychologist about my dissatisfaction with the psychiatrist, but I needed meds and who else can script them. I did not feel that my Internist/Family doctor was the right place to go; what does a regular medical doc know about mental health; not a lot.

Then I was into terrible downward spiral and had constant suicidal ideations. So, I checked myself into the hospital locally. No meds change there' I was taking Pristiq. When I left that setting I knew I was still in trouble and my psychologist knew it too.

I live relatively close to a very large east coast city. So, on my own, I sought out a psychiatrist with a university there. I saw him ONE time only and he recommended that I check into the university hospital in that city. So, I obtained an open-bed date, but I didn't have a driver to get me there. I asked my psychologist if he had any ideas about finding someone to take me to that hospital (an hour away.) Believe it or not, his office manager's sister-in-law was recruited and took me.

I stayed there for a month and that was where I was changed to nortriptyline. A good move for me.

Then I returned home and again returned to that horrible psychiatrist. I also began to seek out a new psychiatrist. I went to the hospital 'find a doc' database for the hospital nearest to my home. I found TWO only psychiatrist in the area, outside of that medical group. One was in my city and one was 45 minutes away in another city. I called the one in the other city. While she does have someone parttime to keep her insurance files and files insurance papers, she takes her own phone calls and is the only one to make her patient appointments. There was the doctor for me! Hands on! I told her that I needed someone to manage my meds. She sounded a bit skeptical, but she agreed to see me.

I had found the right psychiatrist for me. After a couple of visits, she RXd the generic Lamictal. Then last month, after seeing her for about 18 months, she RXd the Seroquel.

And here I am today. One you (repliers) asked what is normal. Heck, I don't know, and I am only assuming I feel normal. I say that only because I don't want to cry every hour of the day, I don't feel the urge to cry just because someones asks me how I am, I DO NOT have constant sucidal ideations. Best part is that I can tolerate my critical oldest daughter, whose home I am in three to four days of the week. And, I can tolerate my oldest grandson who is 'hell on wheels.' I have also been able to see what I have been told about him, that he is just a boy being a boy. I could not see that before, I could only see my hurt over his obstinance.

A few more personal comments: The most important part of seeking therapy is finding the right fit!! ALWAYS keep in mind that unless you are restricted by insurance or some other problem, you ARE the "customer" and if you are not comfortable with the person, then go find a new one. Leaving a docs practice and find another may feel improper, but is it not.

BUT, having said that, you can not assume that the fit with the doc is bad simply because you don't like the questions or you are interpreting the feedback as direct criticism. If the doc is a good one you should expect this and not take offense. If you feel anger at what the doc says or suggests, then say so. I can't tell you how many times in the past five years I have left his office so pissed off at him, but I told him so at the next visit, or may two or three visit later, and we discussed my issue over this. It was not him I was pissed at, it was the fact that he took me to a place that I was not wanting and/or ready to talk about, but after pondering it for a week, I knew I needed to talk it out, or I would just go on being pissed about it.

For me, I must be able to take what I may call criticism from my patients perspective. It is also sometimes difficult to respond to questions that feel uncomfortable.

As many, if not all, of us know getting to know the doc and allowing the doc to get to know us can be a difficult and uncomfortable thing to do. But, it is necessary. I felt that after about eight/ten visits if I was not comfortable spilling myself onto the table, that I would leave and seek out another.

Today, my psychologist knows me very well; how can he not after five years (I took a six month break after two years.) He knows when to push and when not to push. He never gives me a direct criticism, but allows me to find it myself, helping me realize the issue is my issue. He does not allow me to ramble about things that are not about me. Let me elaborate on that last sentence a bit. I have family here. When I get into a session and begin spouting about family and things that are not specific to me, after a while he will say, "now that you have told me all of that, what is going on with YOU." I am not there because my daughter does not keep house well. I am not there because my grandson has no table manners. I am there for me only.

[Knitnut]

But I am no ready yet to change my avatar!

And I do not think unique people can ever be normal. "Normal" is a subjective consensus joined with a bit of scientific proof that is transformed into an objective basis to compare behaviors.

[Lisa Michelle]

bigcasper, thank you for sharing again! It's really helpful, and I'm happy you've found the right match for you... both because that's great for you, but also it gives me hope that maybe with the right therapist I could do better, too.
I dislike my therapist, well not really her as a person, but the therapy. I dislike her methods. BUt I've been told that with eating disorders that IS the method, so I don't know what to think really. I'm thinking of not seeing her anymore, but I'm on a waiting list to see somebody else (something to do with my current one not being able to help with anxiety and depression which to me just sorta asks, how is she a therapist then?) so... I'll see how it goes.
Hope you continue to do so well x

[SophiaG]

thank you for sharing this story, it gives us hope

[Julial]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am in my fifth decade and have known that normal was not a word I could ever define for myself. I have watched other people to see what their normal responses to situations were and that only left me more puzzled. Finally have found a great t and an understanding family doctor that both work together on my behalf. They are working on what I think is normal and what is not. My doctor says that the people I have always thought normal may not be that normal! He explains that I need to find the path that will lead to the normalcy that works for me. I am giving it my all, because for the first time in a long time, I have hope. I have some rough anniversaries coming up but I am hanging on and I am not looking down! I hope things continue to go well for you.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/men...2/METHOD=print