[michellep]

Hi my name is Michelle. I am new to this site. I am 21 years old and I am a miserable person. I am just an unhappy, nasty, boring person. I am in danger of losing my job as a receptionist because I am not pleasant enough. I am also very inpatient with everything. I drive like a manic- I swear one of these days I am gonna kill either myself or someone else. Everyone tells me I am a miserable person, my family, boyfriend, co workers, boss, friends(well I don't have so many friends anymore since I never feel like going out and doing anything, except sitting on my butt and watching tv. I am slowley turning everyone away from me and I know it but as much as I don't want to I can't help it. I don't even think I know how to be nice to people anymore, if I do go out or am stuck in a crowd I become nasty, making fun of people, and putting people down. Oh and I can't forget the fact that I am so unsociable anymore. I went out last weekend with my boyfriend, we went to our neigbors parents house for his brothers birthday party. There was a bunch of people there, I was so uncomfortable that I made my bf take me home and told him to go back and have fun.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????
I don't want to be like this anymore. I am always sick either my throat hurts, or my head or my back or stomach. I have tried many depression meds nothing has helped, I tried anxiety pills, no good. I work 2 jobs and am in school so I don't have time to go talk to a professional. I hate who I am. Everyone does. I know my bf is tired of this and I am sure he will leave me soon if i don't do something. I just don't know what to do.
PLEASE HELP ME

[kvinneakt]

This is what got my immediate attention: "I work 2 jobs and am in school "

Most, if not all of the stuff you complain of could be caused by chronic fatigue.

I don't think you have much chance of improving anything if you are exhausted.

You might check with your school's financial aid office. Schools have an interest in their student's success and you may be able to get loans or grants that will enable you to drop one or both jobs so that you can sensibly educate yourself.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[LMo]

Hi Michelle:

Your post makes me want to cry. You sound so unhappy.

KV is right - it does sound like you are under a lot of stress, and need some time off and maybe some nurturing. KV's advice, as always, was really good. Also sounds like you're really lonely, I guess probably from pushing everyone away.

But I thought something else when I first read it. I thought it was really incredible how you can be so honest with yourself. I am not being weird when I say that -- I mean, I have met people that seem to be nasty to everyone, and I always thought "well, they just must not like people. Or they just like being nasty". You have kind of changed the way I'll see these people from now on. I didn't realize that someone could be nasty and antisocial, impatient, making fun of people... but at the same time, wish they were different. I think my attitude toward these people will change from here on.

Let me ask you something: What is it that somebody (your boyfriend, your parents, a new friend) could do or say that might soften you up, or get a good, positive reaction out of you? I don't know what advice I can give you, but maybe you can give me some advice for if I meet someone like you.

It gives me faith in you that you recognize that you are in danger of losing your job and your friends. It makes me think that you are closer to getting better than some of us who think we're SOOOOOO great but don't understand why we get negative reactions from people.

Tell us how we can help you - there are a lot of caring people here who will want to respond to you. Maybe tell us a little more about yourself - what your home life was like growing up, what kind of personalities do your friends have, what you're studying in school, what your dreams are...

I'd like to get to know you, if you'll let me,
Your potential friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Peanut61]

Hi Michelle = wanted to welcome you to the board. I agree with what Kvin & Lmo have said. Also, it does sound like agitated depression which is just the pits to endure. I hope you will keep trying with an anti-depressant/work with your Dr., because you CAN feel better, and you deserve not to be hurting! Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[Sam]

Hi Michelle and welcome to the boards. I think, it is a great first step to solving your problem. And way too often - that first step is always the hardest to take.

You stated you were 21, and working 2 jobs and going to school all at the same time. Wow! I tell you, that is still an icredible young age to have on your plate. Come to think of it, it's a lot to have going on at the same time regardless of one's age.

You need to rest some ... have some fun too and I'm sure it is hard to do all that while working 2 jobs and going to school too.

I think KV, LMo and Peanut have all gave some wonderful advice and I didto that. I would like to know more - about your jobs - your school (like, 2 year or 4 year) what you're majoring in and such.

And, after reading your post and reflecting on it some - I think just maybe - the person you're being the hardest on - is yourself.

And just for you ... (((Michelle))) ... I hope that helps some.

Sam

[ltlredvett]

Michelle....

The greatest thing about your post is that you recognize that you have a problem and that it seems like you are motivated to change that is more than half the battle. Irritability and isolation are common symptoms of depression. You really need to find a way to seek some help. I am sure that with one of your jobs you could work something out to get away for an appointment. Simply tell them it is a doctor's appointment(s). Do what ever you need to do to get the help you need (go to work early, stay late, etc.)., but just do it. You are far too young to feel so miserable, no one should have to suffer like that.

[michellep]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am so glad I found this web site.
You asked for more about me - well here I go....
I only recently started with the 2nd job and going to school, It has only been about 1
month and my attitude has been like this a lot longer than that. So as a few of you
said that may be contributing to it but it's only the topping on the cake.
I have been like this for so long I don't remember when it started. I do remember
though when I was younger like in JR. high and HS, wanting to go out, and making
plans for the weekends, lately however(maybe 1-2 yrs now) I find myself relieved
when my bf says he is going out with the boys, I am happier to just jet in my pj's and
sit my butt in front on the tv all night. Sometimes I talk myself into getting excited
about going out with some people and tell myself that I will have a good time, but 9
times out of 10 I end up regretting ever going out and wanted to be back at the
house in front of the tv. I don't know what my obsession with tv is. I could watch it
all day. I sometimes think that I watch so much tv because when I watch tv I don't
have to think or worry about my life. I don't know if that it true. I don't know what
to think anymore. someone asked me about my life growing up. I had a good
childhood, my parents were still together I have a sister 2 yrs older than me, we had
a single family home in a nice suburb neighborhood, went to a good school did
pretty well in school. My mom is one of the best moms I know, I have never been
close to my dad- no one really was, we love him but he was the control freak and
"scary" one int he family. There is nothing in my childhood that would be contributing
to my attitude now.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I hate myself for being like this. I try so hard to
control my aggravation and it does not help. Even today at work knowing for sure
that if I am not more pleasant on the phones I will be fired - I still can't help but to
get annoyed att he customers calling in. It is horrible if they don't spit out the info I
need the second I get finished greeting them I get so frustrated and get an attitude.
Thanks for all your time. I am trying to stop this problem before it starts to interrupt
my life anymore than it has already. I am currently on a depression med. I am not
sure of the name - the bottle is at home - my doctor gave it to me after I complained
of being moody. I didn't go into depth about my problem because I know he will
want to to see a professional and I just don't have the time or the money since my
insurance will make me pay out the butt for a psychologist. The med he gave me is
an older one and he told me to take 10mg the first week and then go up to 2 and
maybe 3 so the side effects don't bother me that much. He said he could give me up
to 150mg dosages. I am now taking 3 at night. I have not noticed a difference at
all. I am aware that it may take 3-4 weeks to feel anything and it has only been
about 2 weeks- so I guess I should keep up and see, but I have heard there are so
many new medicines out there so I don't know if taking one of the older med's is the
best way for me to get help. Anyone here have any opinions.
LMO -
You asked as if there is any advise I could give you if you meet someone like me- It
is hard to tell if the person is like you said "generally nasty and just doesn't like
people" or if they are in a position like I am. I am sure there are some people out
there who like being nasty so nothing you can do will change that fact, how to
determine how they feel is near impossible unless you get close enough to them to
talk about it. I am trying to find some advise to tell you, but honestly I don't know if
there is anything you could do. Even though I know I am being nasty and I hate
myself for it, nothing a random person I meet does will change how I feel or how I
am. I drive down he road and if there is a car in the left lane and it is going any less
than 70 mph - I get all huffy and start *****ing. (even though the speed limit is around
50 mph) then when I finally get a chance to pass "this pain the butt who is in my
way" I deliberately give them a look or something, half the time I do this it turns out
to me an elderly man or worse an elderly woman. My 1st reaction is " I am such a
*****, I am probably scaring the crap out of this woman and all because I can't drive
slow" I think about how I would feel if some [censored] was doing this to my mom and
I get so mad at myself but then I convince myself that it is ok cause she is in the left
lane and if you are not going to drive then get the hell into the right lane.
I told you this story to help you understand that no matter how much I feel bad
about my actions or how much I wish I could stop - something inside of me doesn't
let me - so you asked what you could do - nothing really - but it was really nice of
you to think of that.
Thanks again