[findingmyself1005]

Just a little warning this may be long. I have two living childern and my oldest just turned 18 on the 21st, and instead of being happy that he turned out to be a wonderful young man i am depressed. The reason that i feel depressed is that i am not any further ahead then i was when i had him 18 yrs ago. I still remember looking at him in the window and promising him a good life. Sure he has a good life i mean both his parents love him more than anything adn he knows that. And we are not bad parents, well sometimes i feel that i am becasue i gave up on being a full time mom.

I had my son when i was only 16 and by the time i was 18 i had anotehr son, we lost him in 97 from cancer and if it wasnt for my oldest i would have never made it through those fllowng years. But soon after i had my second son i couldnt handle them adn my mom took over so that i could get my hea don straight and get a job adn a nice place to live. Well it took a little over a yr adn my cousin and i got a place and i got a jb as a CNA and i was going to college to be a nurse.. That was when my second son was diagnoised with the cancer , and i had to drop out of school adn took a leave of absence form work. After we lost him i needed my older son so i had to fight my mother in court to get him back. She had grown attached to him adn didnt want to give him back well i finally got him back and life was ok. I was a full time mom again adn working and living in a nice place. A few yrs later i eneded up pregnant agin adn this time with my beatiful daughter. I moved in with my husband at the time and his parents, oh how i hated being there but neither one of us made enough moneyt to have our own place.My daughter was born in feb of 2000 , in august of the flowwing yr we finally got our own place adn life was back to normal , or so i thought and well hoped. But thsi time i knew that something was off with me but i didnt know what and i was too proud becaue i am a fixer to find out what was going on with me. About two yrs later again life wasnt bad i was going back to school but this time for hhuman services, then one day i realized taht i was not in love with my husbadn the only reason iwas with him was becasue i got pregnant and i didnt wantto have anotehr child out of wedlock.

It took the next yr of fighting all teh time for my husbadn to leave, but taht was after we had agreed that he woud stay long enough for me to finshout my last sememster at school. He and my neighbor strated to date and after a few weeks it really bothered me and one night i just lost it and started destorying everything in our apartment, but he finally left. I think that was my wake up call that something was off with me becaue i would always freak out adn yell and scream over everything i could feel the rage in me. Wel becaue he left before i was done with school i had to drop out and work full time .

Two yrs later is when i had my breakdown adn my life really took a turn on me. In oct of 2006 i was hit with the diagnoises of bipolar. well at least i knew why i was the way that i was. For the frist yr i was so drugged that i didnt work an barely was a mother. After that yr i couldnt do the mom thing full time so i asked their father to take them for a yr while i got my head on straight agian . Well that was over two yrs ago and i still dont have them.It has been nothing but a up hill battle with this depression . The symptoms of the bipolar is under control for the most part, but not the depression. I have not worked in over a yr and i have lost so much over teh last couple yrs it hurts. That is why i feel so down about my baby turnng 18.

[SophiaG]

It sounds like it may be time for you to go back to school again. Perhaps calling local schools and online schools to see what they have to offer that could fit your schedule, would be a good idea. Finishing up that last semester would probably make you feel much better.

I pray that you find peace.

[Lisa Michelle]

I agree with sophieG, is doing your last semester an option for you?

You've been through a lot, and from a very young age, try not to dwell on the mistakes and the difficulties, but rather what you HAVE achieved, which from reading that seems like a lot.

Try to enjoy your boy's birthday. Do you get to see your kids regularly? You know, he may be 18, but he's still your little boy and even if you do feel you've not quite got everything right yet, there is still a lot of time!