Red flags?

OK, so I've had episodic major depression over my entire life, four episodes so far (I'm 27 years old and had my first one at age nine; the most recent one ended about three years ago.)

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm starting to get another episode, because I know that if you stop it before it gets bad, you can shorten it considerably and not actually go suicidal. That's the theory, anyway.

Okay... So here's the issues I'm having.
--I'm doing an internship that's extremely difficult for me. I'm under a very large amount of stress, to the point that I've broken down crying a couple of times, which was needless to say quite embarrassing.
--I've been unable to get myself out of bed properly, and taken up to an hour to get off the mattress. Not horrible compared to "can't get out of bed at all" (which is what I had when I was actually mid-episode), but... kind of worrying.
--Speaking of worrying, I've been doing more of it. I've been getting a lot of existential angst lately--trying to face the reality of mortality, which is no fun in general, but why am I dwelling on it now rather than some other time?
--Feels like I don't have time to relax before I have to try to work hard again, and trying's getting harder...
--I'm eating more. Not quite binging or anywhere near, but more than I need, which is no good. I've gained a few pounds lately, which could still be normal fluctuation, of course.

Anyways, the reason I'm asking is because, during the last couple of episodes, the big issue that was always present was that I'd lost interest in my hobbies--which, since I'm autistic, border on obsession and are pretty much central to my life (and, before you ask, are not harmful; they have the function of diffusing stress and helping me organize and step back from the craziness of the world). But I haven't lost interest yet, and hope I won't, though I've become less able to do the more difficult things, because I'm too stressed to concentrate on them.

So that's it. I could just be paranoid because I've been depressed before and I do NOT want to go back again. On the other hand, it could be a matter of really having issues that need to be addressed before it gets really bad. And complicating things are the fact that the medications that have worked at all for me have also given me side effects that caused stress by themselves, limiting the good the medication could do as well as making me quite cautious about trying meds, since they could have pretty much the opposite effect of what I want!

So... yeah. Should I be worried? Or am I just fine and going through a random tough time?

Hi Callista
I'm Calista+12

Since you know yourself, and this is worrying you, check it out. The stress of internship in itself could cause depression. OR it could simply be the stress that you're feeling. Do you have a therapist? I know the medication issues, cause I have every side effect know (and unknown) to man. Luckily my med T is creative in her prescription writing. I explored different options to the usual depression meds and so far it's all right.
You know yourself best and you know how you felt before. I wouldn't add extra stress to yourself by worrying but see someone and maybe they can help. Good luck!

I agree with calista calista+12,

You do know yourself and that gives you the ability to respond,

Good luck,

Rhiannon

Heh, maybe I should change my name! I swear I'm not a copycat! :P

Anyway, went to see the psychiatrist today--he didn't push for medication, and left it mostly up to me (he believes that therapy is more long-term effective anyway, and I agree with him), so I decided not to resume meds. His not pushing medication on me makes me think he wasn't getting any really big red flags; because I think a responsible psychiatrist would probably point it out and try to talk you into medication if he believed you really needed it.

The stress stuff still needs to be dealt with. I'm working with the disability services office now to try to solve some of that. Fingers crossed...